


The Trouble with Memories

by FemaleJaeger



Series: Born to be Yours [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Cussing, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns For Reader, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hurt, I'll add to these tags as I add chapters, Implied/Referenced Torture, Imprisonment, Loss of Limbs, Memories, Memory Related, Needles, Nightmares, Other, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader-Insert, References to Depression, Self-Indulgent, Self-Sacrifice, Temporary Amnesia, the relationships are mostly friendships, x Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-05-08 11:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 47,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14693400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FemaleJaeger/pseuds/FemaleJaeger
Summary: What would happen if you were inserted into the Voltron reality? This is my take on what could happen. (Summaries are hard! What the heck!)





	1. What's important: Exposition

**Author's Note:**

> This is super self-indulgent and I used this as a way to work through some personal stuff but why not share with others ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> Also I don't think this is accurate anymore because of the new seasons coming out since I started this so let's consider this an alternate reality altogether. ;D

     You were out on the star-deck again. Well that was what you called it. It was the overlook with a big window. Admittedly one of the best things about being in space was the view. There was nothing on Earth that could compare. You had dreamed as a little child to go to space, to dance with the stars and eat a piece of the moon. What? You were three, you thought with your whole tiny heart that the moon was really cheese. Your mom had always wished for you to follow your dreams and if your dreams included eating the entire moon, she would have supported you, no questions asked.

     You distinctly remember a time in kindergarten when your class was learning about Earth but you had so many questions about space that the teacher ignored your raised hand in favor of continuing the lesson. You went home that day disheartened and your mom’s heart broke. That night, once all the city lights had turned off and you had been asleep for a couple of hours, your mom came into your room and gently woke you up. She brought you to the backyard patio where she had set up a whole stargazing party for the two of you. There was a telescope set up to look at Saturn, music playing from her portable speakers featuring songs about space and stars, snacks creatively cut into moons and stars and even an air mattress complete with pillows and blankets to lay back and look up at the stars. You must have spent hours out there, laughing and talking, well you were mostly asking questions, questions that you couldn’t ask in school. Your poor mother tried her best to answer everything she could but your questions were good. When she was finally out of answers for you she decided to sweep you up into a dance that turned into tickling and then turned into you two collapsing on the air mattress in giggle fits. This is your most treasured memory. It was what sent you spiraling into your studies on space. You worked your butt off to join the best space program that was available.

     If you were being honest, you weren’t a genius of any kind. You just had a curiosity that could not be tamed. It was like someone had lit an eternal fire within your soul and there was no way to extinguish it, not that you had wanted to. Space was a mystery and you didn’t mind how long it took to understand and with all good mysteries, you didn’t truly want to solve it because then the fun would end. You viewed space as others viewed God. It was your religion and you were its reverent follower. You could often times be caught looking out of the window during class watching the goings on of the sky. It got you in trouble a few times. Another thing you knew was a bad habit but couldn’t stop was going way off topic and getting distracted. For example, in high school, you had a project due on the hydrosphere for Earth Science. The night before the project was due was when you finally started the project because you had previously been looking up the moon’s effects on the tides and then researching if the moon had an effect on the sea life. Once you were in the Galaxy Garrison, things were better. People shared your interests and they all took their studies seriously. You had to step up your focus but you didn’t mind for the most part because this material would get you to space.

     The Garrison had offered three areas to major in: Piloting, Communications, and Engineering. The most popular by far was Piloting to no surprise. Communications was a close second because it was rumored that if anything happened to the pilot, the communications officer would be next in line to pilot. The engineering program was super hard to get into, this comes as no shock because if there was any malfunction with a spacecraft, you need people who are ready to deal with the situation as quickly and efficiently as possible. You knew that they were the ones really in command if anything happened to the pilot because they knew the inner workings of the spaceship better than anyone and they had the knowledge to prove it. After all, everyone’s lives were in their hands at that point. Ultimately you had to pick one of these routes too, everyone did.

     Only a few students came into the program undeclared, but you were one of them. With that you got to experience a wide variety of classes over a two-year period but it was coming up to your junior year and you had to make a decision. This was when classes got more specific towards your major. After many nights fretting about the decision and making what seemed like hundreds of pros and cons lists for each major, you finally decided on Communications. One of the biggest factors in choosing this was that Communications students can pick another field of study and get a few classes pertaining to that subject as well.

     The nerd that you are, chose Astronomy. You weren’t surprised that it wasn’t a popular choice among the students. It was much more common for students to pick something like Applied Physics or Mathematics because these classes would help with test scores. Astronomy was just too vague for the majority but it was a perfect fit for you. You learned a lot in a little amount of time and you credit it to the small class size and the great instructor you had. Given that the class was so small and unpopular, the Garrison had assigned one of the trainee instructors to teach the introduction course.

     His name was Takashi Shirogane. He was young, not more than a couple years older than you were and he let you all call him by his nickname, Shiro, when there weren’t any other instructors present. He wanted to make the class feel comfortable because it was so small and most of the class time was spent discussing things instead of being lectured at. You could tell it was his first-time teaching and sometimes his lessons were a bit unorthodox (like that one time you all pushed the desks to the edges of the room and sat in a circle on the floor telling alien stories/conspiracies and debating the validities) but it didn’t matter, he really knew his stuff. This was only affirmed when he got selected to be the pilot for the first mission to Kerberos. He became the golden boy for the Garrison, his face was on all the posters. He didn’t let it affect his work for the class but you remember thinking he seemed a little tired during a couple of the lessons. You also remember being so jealous of him, like to the point of staring him down and then huffing as you would look away when he turned your way. You were childish, you knew that, but he was about to live your dream of exploring space and he wouldn’t talk about it in class at all. Trust me, you tried to get the details out of him every day like it was your job but everything was, “I’m sorry, y/n, it’s confidential,” “I’m not allowed to talk about it,” and “Stop asking about the Kerberos mission, unless you want me to start asking you questions in a pop quiz.” So stingy.

     Once he was set to go to Kerberos, he left in the middle of the year for the final prep. You got a new instructor but it wasn’t the same. As a class, you went to watch the takeoff. He had waved to you all as he crossed the threshold of the open elevator. He crossed the metal bridge with his crew and it was a clean takeoff. Five months went by where you would dreamily wonder, “where in the solar system is Shiro?” Was he passing by Saturn? Maybe Neptune?

     That’s when you guys got the news. All of the students were herded into the cafeteria after classes had already ended for the day. Iverson, a known-to-be-strict pilot instructor, stood on one of the chairs and broke the news to you all that the Kerberos mission had failed. The place was eerily silent. Some brave soul in the crowd asked, what does that mean?

     Iverson explained to you all that due to pilot error, the mission had failed and the crew was presumed to be dead. Again, a moment of silence where you could feel the Earth take in a breath that it didn’t want to release. Then many people erupted into screams of confusion and denial, “What do you mean pilot error? Shiro was the best pilot this place has ever seen!” “D-dead?! Dead?! Did he really say dead?!” “What happened?!”

     What happened would never be told to you though. Everything was confidential and under lock and key security.

     That next day of Astronomy was especially somber, you remember. Everyone in the class looked like they had recently cried, were about to cry, lost the whole night’s worth of sleep or any combination of all three. You felt all three. It was so hard to think back to a time when Shiro was sitting across from you guys teaching you something that wasn’t widely known and grabbing the full attention of the class. It was impossible to think that it wouldn’t ever happen again. The instructor could tell the students were in bad shape and ended lessons early that day. The instructor had left but none of the students had moved a muscle. You had looked around at each other, the eye contact of someone who was just as upset as you, broke you and tears spilled quickly after. Everyone was crying, hugging each other, and saying what they could to validate another’s feelings while trying to lift their spirits.

     “The key to wisdom is constant and frequent questioning,” a French philosopher had said it first but Shiro always ended class with it and we had to ask a question before we could leave class. Walking out of that door now, before asking anything felt like betraying Shiro somehow. The class had decided that in honor of Shiro, you all would sit around and decide for yourselves what really had happened.

     So, you sat for hours in that unused room asking question after question to each other, trying to find answers in the very little information that was given. As a group, you decided that the crew wasn’t in fact dead but there wasn’t much comfort in not knowing anything else. It seemed like your class was the only group of students who truly believed there was something fishy going on.

     Unfortunately, at the end of that year, half of the small class was graduating so you wouldn’t be seeing each other every day. You all had grown to be like a family and it was thanks to Shiro. That next year you were a senior who would be doing flight simulations on top of your normal course work. It seemed to be both a downer and a motivator. Getting out into space was the only way to prove that there really was something going on at the Galaxy Garrison that they didn’t want the public to know.


	2. The Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events leading up to going to space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it this far, I commend you! I am just realizing this might be a little boring for you but exposition!!

The beginning of your senior year flew by in an instant. You had been assigned to a three-person team as a backup Communications officer for the flight simulator. The backups saw almost no time in the simulator and it was hard to stay motivated when the one thing you wanted to do was just out of your reach. The A team as you oh so affectionately called them were Lance, Hunk and Pidge. They were all amazing in their own right. Lance, the pilot, was a self-proclaimed lady killer which was questionable but his flying skills were almost unrivaled. Hunk, the engineer, was one of the strongest, kindest, and genius minds of his generation, or so they say. Pidge, the Communications officer, was a tech wizard and was super adaptable to any type of machinery put in front of them. Separately these three were incredible, it was when they were first paired together that makes you laugh even now. Three strong personalities in one enclosed space, each think that they are right and that they know better, isn’t exactly ideal for space travel.

Pidge was in a couple of your classes since you were both the same major. You got the opportunity to get to know them better so you couldn’t be too upset about their placement on the A team. Still, being on the B team didn’t leave a good taste in your mouth. You had been talking with Pidge one day and you had nonchalantly mentioned that you didn’t believe the Garrison about the Kerberos mission failure. This caught their attention big time and soon you two were best friends. You showed your new friend the spot on the roof that was a security camera blackspot and they showed you the piece of equipment they had been working on to listen to alien chatter. If it had been anyone else, you wouldn’t have believed it but Pidge knew what they were talking about. After talking about recent developments and findings about the Garrison with Pidge, you would kick back and lay down on the roof looking up at the stars while Pidge tinkered with their device. It was an amiable silence and your conversations always reminded you of your Astronomy class from the year before. It was a bittersweet memory.

You also happened to be waiting on the roof the night Lance and Hunk followed Pidge up there. You were upset that more people knew of your spot but ultimately didn’t have time to be mad when you saw the ufo crash land two miles from the Garrison.

You followed the group to see what was happening. The Garrison had already moved on the ufo and pitched a tent so no one could see what they were doing. You watched when explosions thundered about half a mile north and another cruiser came up from the east. The driver jumped off and ran into the tent. Lance lead us to follow after him claiming he knew who it was on the cruiser. You were speechless when you entered the tent and saw the stranger supporting Shiro.

Shiro was here. He was alive. Passed out but alive. You held back tears as you helped hold Shiro on the back of the stranger’s cruiser. You watched as the garrison grew smaller behind you as you escaped with the group. Everything you had worked for, thrown out, down the drain. A pit of regret had formed in your stomach making you feel sour. You were a little surprised when Lance placed a hand on your shoulder just then. You could tell by his face that he was thinking the same thing, probably second guessing but he was here now and he accepted it. You decided to be strong too, there would be time to figure everything out later.

You had spent the later part of that night and early morning getting to know Keith, the stranger who had shown up on the cruiser. We were at his… shack, for the lack of a better word. You hadn’t known that he had gone to the Garrison as a pilot student and you also didn’t know how he ended up here. Shiro came in and out of consciousness a couple times before he could sit up. When he could finally focus on his surroundings he asked for some space, got changed and went outside for some fresh air. He hadn’t even looked around at the people in the house, he just needed to be alone at the moment. It was a little awkward waiting for him to come back so eventually Keith went out to get him. They were talking casually when they entered the house again. You could hear them from the kitchen. You were just finishing up your cup of tea because what a night!

When you walked back into the room, everyone was being introduced to Shiro. Lance was shaking his hand happily. You knew Shiro was like everyone’s hero at the Garrison before the Kerberos mission but there were very few who still openly regarded him as such now. It was nice to know that people like Lance still existed, it made you feel warm inside.

“And that’s y/n!” Pidge pointed at you. You had snapped back to reality and Shiro turned around to face you.

It took a second for Shiro to comprehend. Then you could see all at once he remembered, a small smile forming, he asked, “Y/n? From Astronomy?”

You nodded your head unable to make a sound. You swallowed the lump collecting in your throat as you shakily asked, “Shiro?” You were trying to think about something to ask, something to keep him talking, to keep this real.

He nodded and waited, knowing you had something else to ask. You couldn’t think of a single witty thing to ask, you couldn’t think of a single scientific question that felt right, it felt wildly inappropriate only because he had been your instructor but there was only one thing you wanted to ask.

“Can I hug you?” Your voice was broken and fragile. Your class had been broken and fragile after the news of Shiro’s disappearance. It felt as though this couldn’t be real but it also felt like he had never left. But there was proof that he had left in the white hair that rested on his forehead, the scar across the bridge of his nose and the metallic arm.

Shiro thought about it, probably the same as you had, the relationship had only ever been student and instructor but he brushed it out of his mind quickly when he saw the tears starting to form in the corners of your eyes. He nodded and you took two large steps to cover the distance between you two. No matter what had happened, he still cared deeply for the students at the Garrison and you were proof that they had still cared about him, that someone was waiting for him to return.

You thought about how that ragtag group of people managed to find an alien ship in the middle of the desert thanks to Keith’s maps and Hunk’s ingenuity. The first brave ones to walk up to the mysterious ship were Keith and Lance. When the force field had turned off, you had all clambered into the ship. Little did you know what that would lead to.


	3. Parts of Voltron: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your interactions with the paladins while on the castleship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of short but here are some little interactions with Hunk, Pidge and Shiro!! This is where it starts to move away from canon, just so you know. Next chapter will feature Lance and Keith interactions!!

You are now in the middle of an intergalactic war. The empire you are up against has been dominating for the past 10,000 years. You all are really just a couple kids from a very small planet. It is easy to see the odds stacked against the group. The one thing the group has going for them is the super-weapon known as Voltron. Shiro, Keith, Lance, Hunk and Pidge all piloted a part of the super weapon that could be combined when they willed it. The separate parts were shaped liked lions and when they combined, it was a giant man with various weapons and a shield. You shivered thinking about what would happen if it ever was in the hands of the enemy. You had even met a couple of aliens from a planet called Altea. One alien is Princess Allura who leads the command from the castleship and the other is Coran who acts as a terrific liaison and is very knowledgeable about many things.

Everyone has an important role in this fight, except you, you feel. Providing backup in fights through a remote-controlled droid just doesn’t feel like you contribute very much. Not when the pilots or paladins are breaking into enemy ships, stealing data, disabling fleets and droids, all while kicking ass along the way. It worried you every time they went out because they were facing the enemy head on, everyone knew what could go wrong.

When you weren't fighting for your lives, you really enjoyed being out in space with this crew. You learned that Hunk enjoyed cooking and you would often help him out by tasting dishes he made. A couple of times you even cooked your own creations for him to try. It was a struggle because there was nothing written in English but even then, the ingredients themselves weren’t found on Earth. Everything was new but when you found one way of cooking that actually tasted good it was so worth it.

You tried to help Hunk when he would start building things like you had helped him in the kitchen but the engineering stuff was over your heard. Most of the time you would just watch as he created small trinkets from scraps of wires and metal. It was truly amazing how he created things like it was nothing. Hunk is too good for this universe, you remember thinking as you slowly fell asleep near his work station. Many nights you would spend watching and talking with Hunk in his room until the very dead of night and many, if not most, times you fell asleep in the most random places. When you would go quiet, Hunk never assumed you were asleep so it always caught him off guard when he would turn around and you would be asleep in a weird position. Like once you fell asleep on the floor surrounded by his previous inventions, he thought that was kind of cute, or another time when you fell asleep on his bed but your head was hanging upside down off the edge, it was a shock to say the least. You had seriously scared him the one time you actually fell asleep on your feet, leaning against the wall. He was worried you would be sore and stiff from sleeping in those positions so he always woke you up and ushered you off to bed. In the beginning you would yawn, rub your eyes and refuse because you wanted to see what he made. He was too nice at first and let you stay to see the finished product a couple times but you never stayed awake for the whole time. Eventually he put his foot down and wouldn’t take no for an answer. When he woke you, you jumped to attention now to prove you weren’t just sleeping. You weren’t fooling anyone except yourself. He would almost push you into the hallway and that was really your clue to go to your room down the hall. He would watch to make sure you made it and you would always turn around, smile and sleepily wave back at him. Sometimes you mumbled the quietest, “Goodnight Hunk,” he always heard it because everything else was so quiet at that hour.

You always dedicated a chunk of time to hang out with Pidge. You couldn’t exactly help with what they were working on but you both enjoyed each other’s company and they enjoyed your stories you would tell to fill the silence. Laughing, you remember on time when Pidge had drawn inspiration from one of your stories to build a robot that resembled a Roomba complete with laser lights. Little did either of you know that the lasers that you found on the ship weren’t lights but actual weapons! They were powerful enough that they burned holes in your clothes and left a few uncomfortable blisters on your skin. The funniest part was you and Pidge trying to corner the rouge Roomba while swaying, stepping and jumping to dodge the lasers. You had both taken sheets of metal as armor and wore the Altean comparative of sunglasses as you tried to hit the off button with spears from a distance. The two of you looked like warriors dancing to appease the little angry metal god in front of you.

After Shiro assumed the role of leader, it got hard to get close to him again. He was still as friendly as always but now he wore his professional face more often than not and he was always so busy. Every once in a while, you would question something in the plan or make a comment that you thought was obvious but no one else was thinking about. When everyone would look at you confused, Shiro was always the one to recover the situation with a smile and say something encouraging like, “nice catch, y/n.” You once caught him alone in the common area. He was sitting on the end of the couch seriously looking over a set of holographic maps. You had asked nervously if you could talk and he closed everything down to give you his attention. Sitting felt wrong for this so you stood in front of him while you told him about the class’ reaction to hearing about the Kerberos mission. You told him about the hours you all spent talking and questioning ever piece of information you all had been given. Not one student left the room until you all had decided that the crew was still alive. He had listened very intently to the entirety of your story but by the end he was clearly fighting back the emotions he had been burying for the sake of the team. Your heart had been hammering through the whole thing because you didn't know how he would react and when he stood up suddenly you kind of jumped. He enveloped you in a warm hug. You could tell his breathing was somewhat labored so you held him until it evened out. He released you slowly, smiled and tousled your hair before walking away. You had hoped that your point had gotten through and you vowed to yourself to protect him from anything like that happening again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to add, because I am meme trash, maybe the real ass kicking is the friends we made along the way. Ok I'll shut up now haha.


	4. Parts of Voltron: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get to know the right side of Voltron. Literally. This chapter features the right leg and the right arm paladins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, idk if you know this, but this is my first and only work that I have shared with others and it's kind of really fun? I just wanted to say thank you for reading and there is definitely more to come!

You probably ran into Lance by accident the most often. He would always shoot his finger guns your way when passing in the halls. It made you laugh as you rolled your eyes. Your favorite sight though, was when Lance was serious and concentrated, like when he was considering a new plan or when he was training with his bayard, a laser rifle. You appreciated the focus that he had and his self-assuredness. He knew who he was and what he was going to do.

When Lance wasn’t chatting up the Alteans, he spent a lot of time with Hunk, also some time with Pidge but when you found him alone he was usually in the common room. Lance and you got to know each other very well because you would spend hours talking about Earth, your families and your lives in the common room. He became your confidant and he seemed to truly understand your feelings or at least he was as good a listener as he was talker. You learned things like he is a big brother, he can speak Spanish and play the guitar. In turn, you told him about your mom's antics and endless support and even your secret fascination with magic. He had laughed when he heard this and asked, "Is that really your big secret?"

You pouted and crossed your arms as you answered, "Yes! I don't tell anyone because they wouldn't take me seriously, like you aren't right now!" You looked away from the boy seated in front of you on the sofa.

"No, I'm taking you serious, I believe in magic too, it just wasn't what I was expecting when I asked 'What is something you haven't told anyone on the castleship?'" Lance chuckled a bit, "Have you seen this place? It's basically Hogwarts!" He threw his hands up and fell backwards to lay down.

It was your turn to laugh. When you settled down you continued, "But most people don't feel that way. Like Pidge always tells me," Lance had peeked up at you from his spot lying down and you pushed up your imaginary glasses on your nose as you impersonated Pidge, "Magic is just science we don't understand yet."

Lance snickered his understanding and then abruptly stopped, "Wait, I thought this was a secret you hadn't told anyone about?" He squinted his eyes at you.

"I didn't, but that doesn't mean I didn't test the waters. I can be sly, you know," you squinted your eyes right back at him.

"You?" He clearly didn't believe in your slyness.

"Yes, me!" He was still in disbelief so you continued to prove your point, "I know Hunk doesn't believe in magic, but he does believe in ghosts."

"I already knew that," Lance replied with a yawn.

"Well what about Shiro?" That caught his attention. "I can't say for certain because we haven't had a direct conversation about it but I would be willing to bet that he at least believes in it. I don't think he likes it though so that's why I won't bring it up." Lance shot a questioning look and you tried to answer him before he asked, "It's something in the way he acts when faced with the unknown or even the possibility of magic being at play, it's mostly just a feeling so again I can't say for sure."

"Wow," Lance started.

"I know right? The crew is 50/50 on magic... I wonder which side will prevail when we find out for sure where Shiro stands." You looked up hopefully.

"What? No. Wow you. You're really perceptive, like crazy perceptive," Lance shrunk back a bit and you looked down and admonished yourself for being weird. "That's so cool!" Lance burst out and you looked back up to see his smiling eager face. "You knew what I was going to ask before I even took a breath! That's so cool!"

"Well, it takes one to know one!" You smiled back at him trying to keep up with his compliments, "You know what's _really_ cool? Being able to play guitar! I'm not musically inclined at all so playing an instrument or singing is so beyond me it's like magic!" You waved your hands in a fanfare to flourish the word magic. "I'd like to hear you play someday after..." you didn't know how to finish that sentence though. After you find a human instrument in deep space? After this war? That was also assuming that you both survived this. The mood fell flat as you both contemplated what could happen in your futures. Simply listening to a song played on a guitar seemed impossible.

"I'll definitely play you something," Lance had moved close to sling his arm around your shoulders and he squeezed gently, in that moment, finding a guitar didn't seem as impossible anymore. "But," Lance continued, "if I'm gonna play guitar then I have to sing, thems the rules."

You smiled and rolled your eyes, "Well I guess I'll _have_ to listen to that too if thems the rules."

"Hey!" Lance faked hurt. "I'm a good singer!" You both laughed, hopeful for a day when it would become reality.

You secretly worried about Lance. On a couple of occasions, you had thrown out some pretty self-depreciating jokes about not being useful and he had denied them while making his own depreciating jokes about him being the not useful one or the "fifth wheel" as he put it. He made a point to make sure you were included when they landed on a new, safe planet though, probably thanks to your self-depreciating jokes. You hadn’t known at the time if he was trying to make you feel better or if he truly felt that way but over time you came to realize he did feel that way. You knew that if the situation had presented itself, Lance might sacrifice himself to be useful to the team. He had never said it in so many words to you but you knew because you felt the same. If the choice were you or anyone on the team, you would 100 percent volunteer because who were you compared to the last Alteans or to the paladins of Voltron? If one small sacrifice could be made to save the universe, you would make it.

Keith was a different kind of nut to crack. He spent the majority of his free time in the training room. His bayard is a sword so his training also doesn’t lend itself to having a conversation, especially when you should be totally focused on your enemy. You made an effort to bring him fluids to keep hydrated and small snacks you had made with Hunk. You were strangers before all of this and you just couldn’t find a way to connect to him besides reminding him to take breaks. You heard from Lance that he had been an excellent pilot while in the Garrison but Keith didn’t seem to want to talk about the Garrison. You racked your brain for something to get him to say more than, "thanks for the water," to you.

You had spent a few minutes outside of the training room door on one particular day, trying to find something clever to say. The door opened and there stood a sweaty confused Keith. Embarrassed by what you had been doing, you made up the lie that you were just about to go in to train for yourself and you were glad he had finished. He stepped aside to let you enter.

You had started sweating because lying doesn’t agree with you but you pulled out the older dummy from the basket anyway. You needed a target that wasn’t going to move. You squared up and started punching it.

You weren’t really focused on what was around you, instead you focused inward and beat up the dummy like it was yourself.

Why had you been so creepily standing behind the door? Punch.

Why couldn’t you just strike up a conversation? Punch.

It’s not that hard. Punch.

You are all stuck together, you have to make friends. Punch.

You have to support them in any way you can. Punch.

This is the only thing for you to do. Punch.

And you can’t even do that? Punch.

You were actually in the training hall for quite a while. You hadn’t come prepared for training but you did feel somewhat better having vented your feelings through your fists. Speaking of fists, yours were very red and sore. You hadn’t wrapped them and you were too focused on your inner monologue during the training to have stopped before they were actually hurt. You dropped the dummy back into the basket and sighed rubbing your knuckles. It hurt. You rubbed the sweat off your brow and turned around while doing so when you heard the door open.

It was Keith, "of course," you thought, he was probably back to work out some more. You finished putting the dummy away and jogged up to him. You remember saying, “Sorry, I took a little longer than I had planned, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting, it’s all yours.”

He shook his head, “Nah, I wasn’t waiting to train, I wanted to bring you this,” he held out a water pouch. You felt touched! He had brought you water like you had brought him all those times.

You smiled and snatched it from him, “Thanks! I can’t believe I forgot to bring water for myself haha.” Of course, you hadn’t planned on training but you couldn’t let him know that. You struggled for a second with the straw and it was long enough for Keith to see your raw knuckles.

“What happened?” He had furrowed his brow and frowned.

You brushed it off quickly, “Oh nothing really, I didn’t wrap my hands before coming here and thought it a waste of time to go all the way back to my room. I also didn’t set a timer or anything so I stayed longer than I should have probably.”

Keith frowned again, “I don’t know, didn’t seem like nothing when you we beating the shit out of the dummy.”

He saw through you. Wait. That means he was watching you practice? “I was up on the observation level getting my towel, before you ask.” He pointed at the glass encased room overlooking the rest of the room. “I know it’s easy to take out your frustrations on a dummy but there are people here that would listen a lot better than this dummy, you shouldn’t waste your time and get hurt,” he walked over to where there was a small first aid kit and pulled out the roll of gauze.

“Oh no Keith, I’m fine, I’m just gonna go get some ice and I’ll be good to go!” You flexed your arm muscles as if that would show him your physical readiness.

He let out a huff of air that was definitely a laugh. You deflated.

“Well when you are really ready to go, you should come back and I can show you how to throw a killer punch, and if you’re lucky, maybe a kick too,” he joked before he put the gauze away and walked out the room.

You had been left in somewhat of a daze from what had just happened but you did it! You had a whole conversation with Keith and you felt much more relaxed now that you knew that he didn’t find you to be a nuisance. You would definitely take him up on his offer to train you because you wanted to be stronger for the team.

Each of the paladins held a very dear place in your heart and these precious memories confirmed that you would do anything to help and protect them. The day where you would have to follow through on this promise was coming sooner than you knew.

The castleship quickly became your home and you started to associate different places with the different paladins. Shiro in the command room, Hunk in the kitchen, Keith in the training room, Lance in the common room and Pidge in the hanger, this was where the paladins could be routinely found. As for you, no one really came around looking for you but your favorite place was the star-deck, where you were now. For as far and wide as the eye could see, there were stars twinkling different colors. They twinkled to the beat of their own song and you are brought back to the memory of the night under the stars with your mom.

A single tear escaped and fell down your cheek. What did she think happened to you? Does she think you’re dead or does she think you ran away, because you kind of did? This wasn’t what you thought space was going to be like. You had only ever had so much love for space but to be out here surrounded by enemy forces, have your life and your friend’s lives threatened every time you made a move and to see the effects of war on so many inhabitants of so many different planets was getting to you.

You took out a little makeshift radio Hunk had put together and tuned into the first channel that sounded like music. It could have just been some alien talking about food trade economics but the language was very melodic. You decided to spend the night up here with the stars and the “music.”


	5. Guilt Trip and Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You missed something major and it eats you up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short but I do plan on uploading the next chapter today or tomorrow so look forward to it! Also, this chapter gets a little darker at the end, Reader is in a bad place mentally. If that's not your jam then this is your warning.

You awoke to Pidge yelling at you. “Why are you asleep here?”

“Mmmmm, because I was tired?” You sat up, a little stiff from being on the hard floor for so long.

“Well Oolert was attacked while you were sleeping,” they stated. Not that you sleeping had anything to do with the attack but they made it sound like it did, and you couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“I’m sorry Pidge! Are you guys ok? Did you catch the attackers?” You stood up, turned off the radio and started making your way down the stairs, “I’m sorry I was asleep, I guess the castle alarms don’t reach up there.”

“It’s fine, y/n. We're fine, Oolert is fine. The attackers, well they aren’t fine but we didn’t catch them either. We could have really used you out there.” Their tone was softer now but it didn’t help the growing guilt lump that was forming over your heart.

“Again Pidge, I’m super sorry.”

They shrugged. “It’s really fine, we got some data so I’m gonna go grab my computer to start analyzing it but you should go talk to the rest of the crew, they were worried about you too.” They walked ahead of you and turned down the hallway towards the hanger.

Ugh, the crew. You already felt so bad for having missed the battle, and they were worried about you? “I’m the one who should have been worried, but instead, I was sleeping,” you thought. You trudged your way towards the common room, that was where the team went after battles for quick reflections before breaking into their separate routines. With any luck, they will have all left.

You were not a lucky person, everyone, minus Pidge, was there. You entered the room sheepishly and Lance was the first one to spot you. “Hey! Y/n, nice of you to show up,” he joked but your guilt lump grew a little larger, “you missed my totally amazing flying kick.” He went on to, you can only guess, recreate the kick and managed to kick the table leg off. He blushed briefly because that was not his intent.

You jumped on the awkward moment, hoping it helped you, “I am so sorry everyone, I was in a part of the castle that the alarms didn’t reach so I didn’t know. I am very sorry.”

Keith said, “we did ok without you so don’t worry about it.” You know he had meant it as a reassurance but still… ouch.

“I feel bad though…” You didn’t want to let them down but it was becoming apparent that they didn’t need you to be successful. Maybe, if anything, you were holding them back somehow.

Pidge burst into the room yelling, “I found them sleeping up on the overlook deck!” You looked down and blushed furiously, dammit Pidge!

Shiro was the next to chime in and he said, “It’s ok, we were worried about you because you weren’t in your room, but now we know that everyone is alive and well. We were just discussing the next plan, since the attackers got away, we can try to use this to our advantage. They could lead us to…”

The paladins discussed the plan at length, you stayed quiet, not wanting to ruin anything or cause another problem. When Shiro wrapped up the discussion, he asked, “Ok so any questions?” and looked at you directly almost waiting for you to give input.

You shook your head no along with the other paladins and made a hasty retreat to your room when everyone was dismissed.

The second the door closed and locked behind you, you punched the wall next to your bed. Why are you so dumb? You literally slept through a whole attack. "I can’t do this, I can’t do anything!" You threw yourself onto your bed face first. You wanted to cry, you really did, but there was nothing, you felt nothing, and that was scarier.

There were a couple of soft knocks on your door. You rolled over and faked your happy voice, “Just a minute!” You took a deep breath and stood back up, fixed your hair and went to the door.

You were surprised to see Hunk standing there. To be fair, you would have been surprised whoever it was because you weren’t so important to warrant a visitor. “What’s up Hunk?”

He looked embarrassed to be standing there but he quickly asked, in what seemed like one breath, “I was gonna go try to make something that is a cross between soufflé and parfait and wanted to know if you want to come help and test it?”

You blinked a couple times trying to understand, normally Hunk didn’t invite you, you just kind of invited yourself. You thought it was sweet but of all the times, you just didn’t feel up to it.

“That sounds so great Hunk! It’s just that after having spent the night on the floor in the overlook, I’m really sore, just like you always said I would be from sleeping in weird places.” You laughed a small sad chuckle before continuing, “So, I’m just going to lay down for a bit. Another time, ok?”

He definitely looked upset, and it hurt to see him that way but you didn’t want to show him anything but the best side of yourself. Hunk was always so amazing, you didn't want him to see the uglier side of you right now. He nodded in understanding and wished for you to feel better. He then went on his way to the kitchen.

You must have spent two days straight in your room. Nothing major was going on so you weren’t neglecting any duties or anything. You just didn’t want to face the paladins. It was scary to think about what the paladins and the Alteans could be thinking about you, so you didn’t. You would sneak out of your room and grab snacks from the kitchen and quickly run back to your room. You knew this wasn’t the way to cope but for right now it felt nice to be separate. You just laid on your bed for hours and hours, not thinking of anything in particular but also not feeling anything either. You had recognized this as "not normal" but you couldn't really do anything about it in this state.

What shook you from your numbness were the alarms.


	6. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zarkon has the team backed in a corner. You offer up a plan of attack that could just work but no one is happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit longer to make up for my broken promise of an earlier upload. Enjoy! :)

In response to the alarms, you changed out of your pajamas and threw on respectable clothes to run to the command room. Everyone else was there already and Princess Allura was at her dais guiding the ship and giving orders. You followed your orders to man the remote-control drone. Everyone else went to their lions. Before the paladins could launch themselves into space, Zarkon’s face appeared on all of the monitors.

“Hello Princess Allura and Paladins of Voltron,” he started. “I have finally tracked down your one weakness.” He stepped aside and your throat went dry. Behind him was Earth.

He had declared that if the team delivered Voltron to the Galra, he would spare Earth. He said that there was a Galra battle cruiser near your vicinity (That must have been what triggered the castle alarms). You all were to hand Voltron over to them. Zarkon allowed the group some time to consider and his face removed itself from the monitors. The paladins came back to the command room obviously shook. No one said anything for a really, really long time.

You had a plan, a wild one, but it was a plan nonetheless. “So, we give him Voltron.” Everyone stared at you, anger, disappointment, and confusion apparent on their faces. “If he wants Voltron, we bring Voltron to him. If that monster is by Earth then that's where you need to be to defend it.” You looked up at the now empty monitor, mostly to avoid looking at anyone. “You give him a good punch in the face from Voltron. He can’t have that many ships near Earth because they would definitely be seen and engaged by the Garrison. He should be far enough away to battle without risk to Earth, possibly another planet or beyond the dark side of the moon.” You were starting to ramble but if no one else was going to say anything then you were going to keep talking. “We obviously don’t want to startle him into doing anything rash so we have to contact him and tell him that we want to deliver Voltron to him and him alone. He won’t like the idea because he likes to call the shots so we offer something as collateral to prove we aren’t up to anything, even though we obviously are.” You looked back down at the paladins, their individual faces had changed but the moods from your initial statement were still consistent.

“And what do we offer as collateral?” Coran asked intrigued by your proposal.

“Me.” You looked him in his eyes as you spoke and touched your chest when you started again, “I'm not a paladin of Voltron and I'm not needed to control the ship or its weapons. You can leave me behind as a sign of good faith.” You went back to avoiding the eyes of those around you while thinking aloud, “obviously we will have to lie and up-sell my importance so that Zarkon thinks that he is getting away with something but yeah, it could work.”

“Are you crazy?” Shiro asked loudly. You hadn’t expected the outburst to come from him. He looked hurt and conflicted.

“No, as I see it, this is the only way that…”

He cut you off sharply, “No. There has got to be some other way.” He was almost shaking. You realized that he must be remembering what it was like to be a Galra prisoner.

“I promise you there isn’t. Not this time.” You walked over and gave his hand a squeeze to show you were strong in your decision but also there for him. You released his hand and faced the other paladins. “You can't give him Voltron no matter what, you can't let him destroy our home and you can't do anything about anything from all the way out here. You need a way to get close to him to land a blow and this is how it has to happen.”

“What if someone else is the collateral?” This time Lance was speaking. You knew in your heart he was about to offer himself up instead of you so you stopped him.

“Like I said, the paladins need to man their lions to form Voltron to beat Zarkon and the Alteans need to stay with the ship to take you to Earth and back you up in the fight.” You looked back over at Coran and Allura who were both deep in thought but looked like they had bought into the plan. At least you wouldn’t have to argue this with them. You looked back at the crowd and the green paladin caught your eye, “Pidge?”

“If this is what you really think will work… I hate leaving you though.” They looked troubled. You had learned that Pidge’s family had been with Shiro on the Kerberos mission and they were possibly still prisoners of Zarkon like Shiro had been. This had to be hard for them.

“I know it isn’t ideal…”

“You got that right. It’s not happening.” Keith finally spoke up. He crossed his arms angrily.

“Yeah! I’m with Keith,” Hunk said while he imitated the angry arm crossing.

“Do either of you have any other plans then?” You looked at them expectantly.

Silence.

“That’s what I thought.”

“Well we aren’t just going to leave you there to rot!” Keith spat.

“I know… I appreciate that, I do, but we have to face the fact that we don’t know what will happen to me. The second that you go to face Zarkon, the cruiser will be long gone. They aren’t going to wait around.” Keith looked incredibly pained at the thought. He knew you were right.

“So, the first matter of business would be to make contact with Zarkon. Pidge, I think this is in your wheelhouse,” you had walked over to them and tousled their hair, “setting up a video link has got to be nothing for you.” They avoided looking up at you, you knew why and smiled to yourself.

“I will also need a pod to get to that cruiser. We don’t want the Galra coming close to the castleship for obvious reasons. Hunk can you show me one that’s relatively easy to fly? I’m not a pilot after all.” Hunk looked on the edge of tears when you pat him on the arm but nodded once.

“Keith, can you help me pick out and conceal a weapon, I probably won't be able to keep it for long but I don't plan on going down without taking out as many enemies as I can.” You smiled before you added, “I can finally use some of the moves you taught me.” You flexed your muscles like you had done in the training room forever ago. He recognized it, smiled and then the smile quickly turned into a scowl to hold back what threatened to spill out of him.

“Shiro…” He was already a visible wreck, you walked over to him to put around an arm around his hunched shoulders. You squeezed him to bring his attention back to the present and you. “Shiro, as leader of Voltron I want you to make the broadcast giving Zarkon our terms. As my previous instructor, you probably know my strengths best but you really have to make it sound like the team is taking a big hit by losing me to him.” He swallowed hard, fully knowing what this could mean for you, knowing what you would be walking into.

“But we are?” He had found his voice, it was soft but it was there. It hurt you to hear him like that. Now it was your turn to swallow your emotions for the team. You pat him on the back and moved on because there was nothing you could say that wouldn’t give away the pain that was creeping back into your body. You laughed at yourself internally because of course now after the last few days, the numbness was starting to fade away.

“Coran, Allura. They need all the support they can get out there. Coran, can you send messages to any of the planets we have already helped to see if they can help us out now?” He nodded and set to the task right away. “Allura, it is your life force that powers this castle, I hope that you will protect my friends well.” 

"Of course I will! I will not let your plan fail!" You held out your arms and she jumped to you and hugged you tightly.

“W-what about me?” Lance came forward after a couple of seconds. You released Allura from the hug and slowly made your way over to him.

“I left the most important job for you because of how much I trust you.” You paused to take a deep breath that was shakier than you had wanted it to be. “If anything goes wrong on my end of this plan, and you make it back to Earth, I want you to tell my family that I loved them and that I never abandoned my dreams. Please tell them about how smart I was, how brave I was, and how I saved Earth…” You smiled best you could but it didn't quite reach your eyes as you took in another shaky breath, “Tell my mom about my favorite memory of her and I under the stars when I was five. I told you all those happy memories about meeting everyone and becoming good friends with you all, share those memories too.”

You looked over at Hunk, “Don’t tell them about my embarrassingly massive sweet tooth,” you looked at Pidge, “or about climbing onto the Garrison roof at night, it’ll only get you in trouble.” While looking at Shiro you said, “Don’t tell them about how much I daydreamt in class,” and then looking at Keith, “or about the time I tried a roundhouse kick and ended up face-down on the floor.” Finally coming back to Lance, you rested your forehead against his breast plate of his paladin armor and continued at almost a whisper, “Please don’t tell them about where I am about to go…or what might happen to me…”

Lance wrapped his arms around you and gave a little whimper. It felt as if he wasn’t ever going to let you go and somewhere deep down, you didn’t want him to. Your hands came up to hug him back. Only a couple seconds ago, it felt as if you were going to cry but being enveloped in Lance’s arms brought a second wave of strength. There was a strength in knowing that your friends were going to save a planet, your planet, your home, and it would be thanks to your plan. You looked up at the brunette and smiled.

“Thank you, Lance.”

He didn’t have any time to process why you said it before you had slipped from his grip and started walking briskly down the hallway with the Keith to get a weapon. The castleship was buzzing with activity around Lance. Pidge was typing furiously on the computers to create a signal to transmit to Zarkon. Hunk, Shiro and Allura were discussing which pod you should use, how Shiro should word his statement so as to not look like they were stepping on Zarkon’s toes, and the best locations for Allura to create the wormhole near Earth. Coran was yelling in another language on the communicator, it didn’t seem like it was going well but knowing Coran, he would get the reinforcements.

Lance hadn’t really moved but he started to when he saw you and Keith walk back into the command room. You now had a short cloak on that went down to the middle of your thighs. Lance knew it was to conceal your weapon but it looked like you had just put on your jacket like you were going to run to the space corner store real quick and come back before he knew you had left. At almost the same time as your entrance, Pidge yelled, “I got it!” Shiro straightened up and the screen blinked a couple times before the picture showed Zarkon sitting in his commander’s chair. Lance’s body froze and everything seemed to move in slow motion.

Shiro explained that he thought forfeiting Voltron to a lowly cruiser was dishonorable and if they should accept defeat, it would be to the ruling head of the empire. Giving Voltron directly to him would prove that they have truly stopped trying to fight the Galra.

Zarkon seemed to listen. Shiro went on to say that they had enough power for a one time jump to his location and nothing else.

Zarkon spoke up now, “How do I know that you are honest? This is not my first battle, I know the tricks of those weaker than me.”

Shiro feigned thought and looked over at you. You nodded your head and moved up to stand next to Shiro.

“I would like to offer myself to you, Commander Zarkon.” You bowed your head while thinking that you worded that totally wrong. Even in this, you just couldn’t pull it together.

Zarkon raised his brow.

Shiro described in great detail how amazing a person you were. “This is y/n. They can fight better than half of Voltron, they have an IQ that rivals geniuses, and they have honor, integrity and courage that far surpasses even my own.” You peeked a look up at Shiro from your bowed position. He stood tall and unwavering. You could sense a twinge of anger in his voice. You were sure it was because he was talking to Zarkon but you felt a little guilty you had made him lie like that. Just bear with it a little longer, you thought to him.

Shiro paused for a little bit longer than natural. He clenched his fists hard, you could hear the fabric in his gloves stretching. Through almost clenched teeth he continued, “We will leave them with your battle cruiser as a sign of good faith that you have our word that there will be no tricks in the surrender of Voltron.”

“Ha! Leaving one of your own behind for the success of your mission? Sounds like you finally understand what it takes to be a good leader, Black Paladin.” There was a grumble from the shadows against the back wall and you could only guess that it was Keith or Hunk since they were both so openly against this plan. Zarkon continued, “Too bad it is too late to be a good leader. I accept the offer of your warrior and I expect Voltron to be in my ownership within the varga.” The transmission sound cut out and the screen cut to static and then blackness.

There was a collective sigh that this part of the task was over but then there was the slow realization that this was really happening. You were the first to move after the end of the transmission. You stood upright and pat Shiro’s arm that was closest to you. “You did so well! I totally messed up my own introduction but you did so much better, even I was convinced by those words!”

Shiro’s eyes had a darkness to them that you hadn’t known to be found there. He was scared, terrified at what he had just done. Nothing but his eyes gave him away but it was enough to grasp your heart. “Hey, hey, hey,” you said soothingly as you moved in front of him and grabbed both of his hands firmly in your own, “this is to save Earth. This is to make sure no one from our planet has to suffer. This is what I wanted remember, this is the plan, my plan. I’m not going down without a fight and neither are you.” You accented your last statement with a squeeze of your hands. The darkness in his eyes subsided a little and you let your hands go limp to slide out from his hands. When they didn’t drop, you understood. You squeezed once more and smiled. You would definitely remember these big hands that were so gentle with you.

Hunk pulled you back to the castleship’s command room. “Y/n.” He was whispering to be courteous.

“Yes. Hunk.” You let go and Shiro did too. “Did you find a good pod for me?”

You walked a couple steps towards Hunk to talk about the pod details. Shiro’s eyes wouldn’t leave you, no matter how much he thought he shouldn't be staring, he couldn’t stand the thought that he might never see you again.

You had to depart relatively soon so that the castle of lions could focus on the jump towards Earth. You had about 15 minutes to go to your room, collect anything you might be able to keep on your person and then prep your pod. You went to your room rather slowly. It was starting to set in that this was real. Your door opened to a disaster. You had been cooped up in here by yourself because of something stupid. You should have gone to eat Hunk’s cooking or played with Lance and the mice or helped Coran with the castle's maintenance. You started cleaning up your room and in 5 minutes you had it sparkling. Sadly, you knew you weren’t going to be able to bring anything with you because the Galra would certainly take it away. You walked down to the hanger to check out the pod Hunk had readied before anyone could get there.

It was small, it looked lightweight with simple controls. It was perfect. You glided your fingers across the body of the spacecraft, you thought about wanting so badly to fly in the simulator and now here you were, about to do it for real. If only it was under better circumstances, you remorsefully added. You leaned your back against the door of the pod and looked up to keep the tears in. This was it. You were going to leave your new home and your new family. You didn’t even know when you had started to think of them as your family but it felt right. You felt you could write a novel with all the memories you guys have created and it had been such a short amount of time. A tear fell from each eye as you tried to blink them away.


	7. Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan is set in motion; Phase 2 is a go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for your last words to the crew! Also, I know the chapter summary is cheesy, forgive me haha.

You quickly wiped your cheeks when you heard the door open. You sniffled to cover any trace of crying.

You thought you had done a good job but Keith walked into the hanger at just the right time to see you wiping your face. He pretended he hadn’t seen, for your sake, and walked over.

“You can still back out, you know,” he leaned up against the pod with you.

“Who said anything about backing out?” You shot him a defiant look.

“Me…” he was looking down at his shoes but his concentration was somewhere far away.

He really didn’t want you to go, that, you understood. You had already made up your mind though. You sighed and said, “I get it, without me, who’s going to bring you water when you most need it!” You gave a little power pose.

You managed to stun him for a whole two seconds before he said, “No, that’s not what…”

He was cut off though when the door opened and everyone else came into the hanger. You walked over to greet them. Keith pushed off the pod and jogged over too, not wanting to miss even a single second. It could be your last time talking to him. He wanted to memorize exactly what you sounded like. He still couldn’t bear to think that he might never again hear your voice call out to him or he might never hear you humming a tune while doing basic training activities. It was your voice and your words that had gotten him to slowly open up and use his own voice in more constructive ways.

It was time to go. No one was saying much except for you. As you hugged everyone you told them something encouraging like “Stay strong, it shouldn’t be hard for you, you were always so strong and kind and brilliant” to Hunk, “remember why this is happening Pidge, it is to save Earth, I know you are going to find your dad and brother someday soon so stick to your guns and trust your instinct” to Pidge, and “look after them,” you couldn’t say anymore to Coran before he had you crushed in his embrace, you had to laugh and patted him on the back.

“Please don’t cry Allura. You are so tenacious and intelligent that you have nothing to worry about,” You wiped her tears and she put in all her effort to stop them. “Good girl, you go kick Zarkon’s ass like that, don’t give him an ounce of breathing room.” She nodded resolutely and hugged you tightly.

When she let you go, you stepped in front of Keith and said, “hey.”

“Hey…” he answered back and paused, looking anywhere but you.

“Look at me,” you said softly.

He did, instantly, and you could see the pent-up anxiety coming from inside him. Panicking, he scratched the back of his neck and said, “I’m not good at goodbyes.”

“This isn’t goodbye. I mean that for everyone. This is not me saying goodbye!" You said it to convince them as much as yourself, "I will see all of you again. I don’t know when but I know I will. So, don’t give up or give in to anything while I am gone.” Turning specifically back to Keith you continued, “don’t take on more than you can handle. This is a family, if you ask for help, they will help you, isn’t that what you taught me?”

He nodded. He thought you had said it way better than he had but he stopped thinking about that when you hugged him. He hesitated to move his arms and you took it as a sign he didn’t like the hug.

You whispered so only he could hear, “I’m sorry, please just bear with it for a second longer.” Even at a whisper he heard how strained your voice was and then he remembered he had walked in on you crying. His hesitation vanished and he put his arms around you.

He let go when you moved to step back. Next was Shiro. You locked eyes as you began, “I want to first say thank you Shiro for everything. You are an amazing, kind and fair leader that inspires all of us to be better. Those traits were with you before Kerberos and they will never change or be taken away from you.” You tried to maintain a level of professionalism because that was how you wanted Shiro to remember this. This was a transaction, it wasn’t anyone’s fault or responsibility (except for Zarkon’s for putting you in this situation). You were trying to minimize the gravity of this if you could.

He clenched his fists again, whoop, too late for that responsibility thing it seems.

You went in to hug him while you said, “it’s not your fault, and I will never think of it that way, ever.”

He stiffened at hearing your words, you probably hit the nail on the head, but he melted into your touch. This poor man thinks he has to take on the weight of the universe. He is just a touch-starved lost boy and you were glad to be lifting at least one burden off his shoulders, if you could call it that.

“Rely on the team. It’s a good team, I promise.” You pat him on the shoulder before you moved to the last person standing in the semi-circle.

Lance wasted no time, he grabbed your hands and held them up between you two. “Y/n, we will save Earth, and then we will come rescue you too!”

You smiled, “Thank you but be careful! Look out for each other and don’t get reckless.”

“You’re one to talk about reckless, you’re the one walking into enemy hands, willingly!” Keith added harshly.

“Keith…” Shiro shot him a look and was about to scold him.

“No, you’re right. But I have every intention of walking out too.” You looked at him as determined as you could. He seemed to accept that. You turned back to Lance.

“Y/n,” before he could say anything else you hugged him tightly. “Y/n…” while you were hugging him he looked over at Shiro and Shiro shook his head no. It was a conversation that you didn’t even know took place.

“Lance,” you whispered, “Don’t forget your job…it’s important.” You hugged him a little tighter and added even quieter, “Don’t forget me…” He was surprised you didn’t hear his heart literally break into a million tiny pieces.

He squeezed you back lifting you off the ground for a second, “I could never forget you.”

With that you were set. You jumped into the pod, waved to all of them, and took off to your destination.

The paladins started leaving one by one until it was just Lance and Shiro left.

“Shiro, I was going to tell them I like them, that I love them.” Lance looked down at his hands that had held you only minutes ago.

“I know, buddy,” Shiro placed a hand on Lance’s shoulder to comfort him.

“But I didn’t…” Lance looked back up at the spot where your pod had vanished from. “Why?”

“It wasn’t the right time. It would have only made them leaving harder.”

~~

In your pod, you sat very still and very quiet. Even though you knew this was coming, you still weren’t prepared for how it feels. You had tried to wait so that you were out of range of the castleship but you broke. You wailed the loudest and the wettest sob you have ever wept. Everything felt like it was being torn into shreds. Your heart writhed in agony. You had just said goodbye to the best family in the entire universe and if you were being brutally honest, you knew you would never see them again. The Galra weren't exactly know for their hospitable treatment of prisoners. There was so much left unsaid and you regretted every minute you weren’t interacting with them. That group of people was your everything. That was the thought that brought you back down a bit. You were doing this for them, for Earth. You whimpered remembering what had just happened. You were trying so hard to fill them with hope that for each piece you gave to them, you lost a piece from within yourself.

Luckily Lance had been the last one to say goodbye to you and he put back some of the missing pieces. It wasn’t everything but you remembered your cause and to keep your head about you since you were heading into enemy territory. You sent a quiet prayer out to the universe before you were picked up by the Galra cruiser.

~~

Lance was dismayed when he heard your sobs coming through his helmet on the crate nearby. He picked it up so he could hear better and it was definitely you, he looked over at Shiro.

“They had wanted to disable the comms completely but when Hunk wasn’t looking I plugged the microphone back in. I also lied to them about how far the radio frequency could transmit, even so, we are the only two close enough to still pick up the signal.” Shiro sat down in the hanger, “I don’t know what is going to happen to them once they get on board but I wanted to make sure that they at least got to the cruiser safely.”

Lance was speechless as he put his helmet on and sat down next to Shiro. With his helmet on, it sounded like you were still right there next to him but this was like his own personal brand of torture. He could hear your pain so clearly, he could even imagine what you looked like because he could hear every ragged breath you took but he couldn’t hold you close to him or offer you any words of comfort. His anxiety waned as your crying slowly stopped. After a few moments he had thought that the comms had cut out and went to take his helmet off but then he heard your voice. It was brittle and faint but he heard it.

“Thank you to whoever is watching over me. I must be the luckiest person in the universe to have found these friends that make saying goodbye so hard.”


	8. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following your self-surrender, the team fights to get you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I maybe could have broken this into 2 chapters but what the heck, here you go! Enjoy! :)

Lance stood up quickly and almost ran to the hanger door. Shiro yelled after him confused by the sudden rush, “Where are you going?”

“To go fuck up Zarkon’s ugly mug.” Lance left Shiro in the hanger and headed to the Blue lion. He needed to fight and defeat Zarkon as quickly as possible to get you back.

Shiro had run out after lance and grabbed Lance’s shoulder to stop him. Lance maneuvered his shoulder out of the grasp and continued his pace to the blue lion.

“Lance stop, slow down, we haven’t even made the jump yet.”

“Yeah… but every second we wait is another that y/n will be suffering in Galra hands.” Lance had stopped walking now, his hands shaking at his sides, “Every minute we wait could be the minute that the Galra choose to torture them, every hour that drags on means we have less of a chance of ever finding them again, and every day that passes could be their last.”

“I understand that better than anyone Lance.” Shiro looked at the blue paladin with fierce determination in his eyes, “We are going to get y/n back, I promise you that.”

“Ok, ok,” Lance resigned, “I’m sorry it’s just…”

“I know, but we all need to remain as calm as possible now for the sake of our world and for y/n.” Shiro patted Lance on the back and the two of them started walking back to the command room.

~~

The fight with Zarkon did not last long. The paladins fought with everything they had and it showed. They had won by blasting a huge hole in the side of the cruiser but Zarkon escaped the fiery consequences in a small fighter plane. It had been true that they only had enough energy for the one massive jump so they had to wait while the balmeran crystal recharged in the sun’s rays. The paladins all looked longingly at their home.

“It has been months…” Pidge stated.

“We’re so close…” Hunk remarked.

Lance felt the same. How could he not? He hadn’t signed up for an intergalactic war. He wanted to go home and he felt extremely guilty about it. You were now a part of his life that he had never imagined you would be. There was no way he could go home and give up on you. “When will we be ready to go?” he asked to remind everyone the reason they were even here in the first place, you had sacrificed yourself for them to get here. Everyone had a responsibility to get you back.

“Not much longer now. I think we can start the jump sequence now Princess and the ship should be fully charged by the time we need to open the wormhole.” Coran was typing away on his screen.

“Alright, starting launch sequence.” Allura placed her hands on the drive sticks. The castle hummed, multiple images appeared in from of Allura and she started pushing buttons to prepare the ship.

Lance looked over at the rest of the crew looking out the window. “I know it sucks leaving, but we will be back. At the very least we’ll be coming back as winners and universe savers.” He tried to rally the other paladins and it seemed to work as they turned around to face him with small smiles. “There you go,” he thought.

They each made their way to their seats and buckled in for the jump. It happened in an instant that felt as long as time itself. They were back to the unknown reaches of space.

“I don’t understand.” Allura was flipping through something on her monitor. “This is the last known location of the pod y/n took.”

Lance looked over at Shiro and thought, “Did he put a tracker on that pod too?”

Shiro seemed to read his facial expression and said, “I wasn’t going to leave us with absolutely no way of finding them.” He got more serious as he turned towards Allura and continued, “But I don’t think it worked.”

Just then something came incredibly close to the window as it floated past the castleship. It was the pod. It was burnt in many places from what could only be laser beams and the main window on it was cracked. It was silent in the command room once again.

“That… it doesn’t mean anything right?” Hunk was clearly worried but trying to play it off for the crew. “It is empty…”

“They probably guessed that it had a tracker attached and left it behind so we couldn’t find them.” Pidge was already trying to reason the team out of despair but Shiro tensed, it was his idea to place the tracker.

Keith was the first to say something that was actually reassuring, “There’s no blood on it.”

“That’s right! So they couldn’t have been inside when it took all this damage,” Hunk chimed in clearly more relieved at the thought of you being alive.

“So they’re alive…” Lance thought, “but in the enemy’s ownership.” He couldn’t stand to be the one to say what everyone must be thinking.

~

The team had been on edge ever since that day. It took lots of battles and a lot of information gathering to find where in the universe you could be. It had also taken lots of time, months of searching. Some days were better than others, along with that, some fights proved to be more beneficial than others in their quest to find you. They were still fighting for the emancipation of many planets and it was a worthy cause but always in the back of the blue paladin’s mind was you. Lance didn’t laugh like he used to. During the sleepless nights he cursed how willing and naïve he had been to follow through with your plan. If he had just pushed a little harder or told you he loved you then maybe you wouldn’t have gone. He was still reminded by Coran every once in a while that what you had done had been your choice, that you had done what needed to be done in that instant and that that fight with Zarkon severely weakened him and it had led to Voltron winning countless battles since.

He knew Coran was right but it still hurt.

Lance found himself drawn to Pidge and their research. The two of them bonded over finding people important to them in space. They worked hard long hours deciphering Galran texts and maps. They had even found Pidge’s brother Matt through all of the intel they had gathered!

Recently, the team had gotten intel that you could be somewhere within a specific system of planets. Lance was wary not to get his hopes up. In the past he had rushed in if there was even a slight chance you were to be found and it had led to many unnecessary battles. After ransacking an outpost, the team was fairly certain you were somewhere on one of the two prisoner planets.

Lance was excited and exhausted. He had been fueled by the sounds of your cries and the very last words he had heard you say. It had taken so long and so much disappointment to get to this point but this information was new, within the last couple of days and that proved better than anything that you were probably still alive after all this time.

Once it was decided that the team was going to free both planets’ prisoners, starting with the one closest to their current position, you could feel the electricity in the air. Everyone was amped up and ready to go, Lance hadn’t felt this energy in a while.

The first planet had been closest to the star in this solar system and the planet’s surface was hot and dry. There weren’t many guards on this planet and they were easily taken out. During the evacuation of the prisoners, the paladins looked everywhere for you. They opened all the cells, looked in the infirmary, and even the ship hanger but you were no where to be found. It was a little kick to the energy everyone had been feeling before the mission.

“That just means they're definitely on the other planet!” Hunk said, always the optimist.

“We don’t know for sure.” Shiro added, always the realist.

Pidge fiddled with a device they had been working on to track humans, “I will be able to tell for sure once we get closer to the planet.”

The paladins boarded their lions once more and took off into space towards the castleship. They were to board the castleship and then everyone was going to fly to the planet at the edge of the solar system. Lance had gotten a different idea as he watched everyone board the castleship. Through the comms he said, “I’m going on ahead to scout out the planet.” He flew off in the opposite direction. He heard the team’s protests as he shut down the communications in his lion. His lion had reached out to him and he felt a warmth in his body that he knew came from her.

“I know girl, it’s dumb, but this is the closest we've ever been to them in months and I need to get there as soon as possible.” The lion purred in acceptance and whizzed past a couple planets. Lance had grown very attached to his lion and she to him. Their bond was that of a mother and son, she supported Lance in what he did as long as it didn’t put them in danger. She must have felt how despondent Lance had begun to feel and noticed the recent change in hope.

Lance circled the planet in question. There was much more security here, but for what purpose? Lance noticed an outcropping of rocks that was far enough away to land the blue lion and keep her unseen. As soon as he touched down, he turned on the comms and listened to the crew.

“He’s just excited, I am too!” Hunk was the first voice he recognized.

“So? He can’t just rush off like that!” Keith fought back. Lance rolled his eyes, he knew that Keith would have done the same thing if he had thought it first.

“Well we are almost there anyway so it doesn’t make that big of a difference,” Pidge settled it.

“Hey guys,” Lance apprehensively spoke, introducing that he was listening in.

“Lance! What does it look like?” Shiro was the one to ask, also very anxious to get you back.

“Lots of security. The castleship might need to stay far away so as to not be seen or captured on any radars. Most of the planet is barren but in the main city there are numerous patrols and a lot of guns.” Lance tried to provide as much information as he could along with his own location. “I’m going in on foot.”

“Lance, stop.” Shiro again. “I know you want to find them but please just wait for us to go in as a team. If there are as many guns as you say there are then you couldn’t possibly take them all on your own and come out unscathed.”

He was right but Lance was itching to find you. “Ok. Then I am going to scout, on foot, a way to enter the facilities.”

“That’s fine, be safe, we will be in contact when we land.” Shiro sighed out a relief, at least Lance would wait. Shiro didn’t know if he could have had the same strength if he were in Lance’s position. This whole thing had been his undoing. He had had hard nights before but they got so much worse once you left. Not only were his memories of being in a Galra prison and being experimented on coming back to him but now he had the fresh memories of sending you directly to the same enemy. Your cries haunted him and he couldn’t help feeling guilty even if you had told him that you would never blame him. He buried those thoughts deep down and went to address the rest of the team. “Alright team, head to your lions, we need to get in there before anything happens.”

The lions raced towards the planet’s surface, they found the blue lion exactly where Lance had described and parked their own lions. Pidge was going to stay back to guard the lions and scan the base remotely.

“I found an entrance less guarded than the others.” Lance spoke into the microphone in his helmet. “I’m still going to need backup to enter though because I don’t know what’s on the other side.”

“We’re on our way,” Keith turned his jetpack on and started leaping toward the large building in front of them. With the help of the maps in his helmet, he saw Lance’s location and the rest of the team had followed. When Keith wasn’t being a hothead or a loner, he was a good leader. He was decisive and skilled at combat.

It took the team no time to break into the base and the other side of the door led them towards a large open area. “I wonder what this is?” Hunk spun around to take in the whole place.

Shiro froze as the rest of the paladins walked forward to see more of what this large room looked like. There were seats all around them and about a ten-foot drop to another flat floor. Shiro knew what this place was. He had seen something eerily similar in his time as a prisoner.

Keith was the first to notice Shiro had stopped and looked back. Shiro looked pale and sweaty. Keith jogged back to him, “What’s a matter?” After no reply he asked another question, “Have you seen this place before?”

Shiro mustered a nod. Then swallowing a dry lump in his throat, he said, “not this exact place but I know what it is.” He forced himself to look around to confirm it even though there were no doubts, “This is a gladiator fighting ring.”

Everyone looked at each other and then back at the ring. They had heard what Shiro went through at a place like this. It seemed to dawn on all of them at the same time, “That means, y/n…” Keith started but couldn’t finish.

No one wanted to finish that thought.

“Guys!” Pidge startled them by yelling through the comms. It didn’t sound like they had been listening to what the other paladins had been saying. No one made a move to catch them up either. Pidge continued, unperturbed by the silence, “I found a human signature!”

The boys jumped into action. “Hunk head down the west wing, Keith the north, Lance east and I will head back through that door,” Shiro point toward the door they entered, “I am going to get to my lion and distract from the air and hopefully take out some guns for when you all need to make your exit.” Everyone nodded and headed their separate ways.

It was quiet for a while until Shiro started attacking. Sirens were going off, patrols were being called to jets and towards the center so Lance, Hunk and Keith found they were fighting off drones of Galra and sentries.

Hunk announced, “I reached the end of my hall, I’m heading to the command center now to see how I can help Shiro in the air.”

Keith and Lance looked frantically through their respective halls. “I’m seeing a lot of prisoners but not y/n.” Keith grunted as he sliced another sentry in half.

“Just keep looking man.” Lance shrunk back behind a support pole avoiding the laser shots coming from a sentry. He took a deep breath and waited for the perfect time to swing around the pole and open fire.

They had both freed about half of their hallways and Lance felt a little panicky. What if you weren’t actually here? What if the Galra had faked reports and sent the team here as a trap? He pushed those thoughts away as he opened another prisoner door. Not this one, he thought. He ushered the other alien prisoners to flee towards the direction he had come.

Keith spoke up, “They weren’t in my wing, I checked every cell.” He sounded defeated.

“Go help Hunk out in the command center, I’m sure it’s busy over there.” Lance said, the voice felt like it was coming from somewhere outside his consciousness. He was now wildly running from cell to cell in his own block, blasting them open and almost pushing the aliens out. It was quieter in this part of the building and the prisoners were more surprised to be freed than the other parts. He had even over heard one alien talking about how they couldn’t believe after 5 years they were being freed. This must be where they keep the long-term prisoners, the ones who survive this long at least, Lance thought grimly. He was quickly running out of doors to open.

An alien had grabbed Lance when he moved to a door at the end of the hall, “Save that one for last, they were all experiments of the witch, no one knows what they are capable of. Help the other prisoners escape first.”

Lance hoped with all his heart that you would be in the last normal cell in the hall. He opened it but there were only two tentacled creatures huddled together. He got them to leave the cell and run down the hallway before he reached the last door. As much as he had wanted to find you, this is not how he wanted it to be. An experiment? Would you be missing an arm like Shiro? Would you have a bionic eye like Sendak? What horrible things could they have done? Lance shook it off and aimed his blaster. He definitely wasn’t going to let you sit in that cell for another second if you were in there, that was for sure.

After the explosion to the locking mechanism, the door swung inward slightly. Lance pushed it all the way open and light flooded into the room. There were about six bodies of all different shapes and sizes sitting in groups around the floor. Lance told them that he was here to free them and while he said this he scanned through all of them. Finally, his eyes landed on a y/h/c haired one in particular. He couldn’t see their face because of how they were sitting with their knees brought up and hugged to their chest and head down on their knees but he knew.

It was y/n!


	9. Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team has gotten you back! Is it too soon to celebrate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the kudos and comments! To show said thanks, enjoy a longer chapter today!! :)

Lance had made a move towards you when another alien from inside the room stopped him. Lance shot daggers with his eyes towards the alien because how dare he be stopped so close to his goal. The alien spoke in broken English, “Don’t touch. Violent, not aware.”

Lance’s heart squeezed. He didn’t know what that meant but he had already guessed that this wasn’t going to be a vacation. Now this random alien was warning him so it was probably 500 times worse than Lance had imagined. Lance nodded and the alien let him go and the rest of the room cleared out slowly. He watched as most of the aliens in this room were scarred and had had something done to them to “enhance” them. One alien had his eyes replaced with bionic eyes. One alien had had a tentacle replaced with something that looked like a cross between a chainsaw and a tentacle. Lance avoided as much eye contact from the other prisoners as he could, all the while looking at you.

Since he couldn’t pick you up, he called out to you, “y/n…”

You didn’t respond right away from your position on the floor but you did look up slowly. You looked different. Your hair was longer and ragged from not washing it. Your cheeks had lost their lively fullness and were now hollow and pale. There were bags under your eyes and a hardness in your eyes that had never been there before. You were confused. “Lance?”

He almost jumped over to you and hugged you right then and there but heeded the alien’s advice, “Yeah, it’s me,” he added softly.

A look of pain washed over you and you shut your eyes. You grabbed bunches of hair on either side of your head as you gritted your teeth. “Ugh” was all you could mutter as a headache left as quickly as it came.

Lance walked over slowly. You looked back up at him ferociously. He froze.

You jumped to your feet, clearly ready to fight even with hand cuffs on, “Who are you!?”

It was Lance’s turn to be confused. “It’s me, Lance,” when that didn’t change your look he continued, “Blue paladin of Voltron?”

“Voltron is here?” You asked relaxing a bit.

All Lance could do was nod his head. Did…did you not remember him? You had just said his name though? But you hadn’t recognized him? But you remembered Voltron?

“Are you here to free this planet?” You asked with ferocity. He could tell that if he had had any other intentions then you were about to fight him.

“Yes, free the planet and the prisoners.” Lance wanted to keep you talking to find out what had happened and why you didn’t remember him but was too stunned to think straight.

“Good, I have been trying for weeks to get out of here but it's a bit hard when you’ve got these” you waved the cuffs, “and you're a prisoner.” Lance was sure you had been here for much longer than weeks, it had been months, what was up with your timeline? Now that you were standing he could see you more clearly. You had a scar that ran from the middle of your forehead through your eyebrow towards your right ear. You were much, much skinnier than Lance would have ever wanted to see. You were basically skin and bones with a few taut muscles here and there. Who knew what kinds of scars laid under your clothes.

“So how are we getting out of here?” You asked.

Lance was brought back to the present, “Right. We are going to exit out through the arena. From there, my lion isn’t that far of a jog and then take to the air.” Lance peaked out of the cell while telling you the plan.

You nodded and ran past him, no hesitation. He blinked his eyes and then ran after you. You hid as guards passed by and sneakily closed doors on your way out to throw them off your trail if they had managed to catch on to all of the escaped prisoners. You then made a right when Lance was certain the arena was to the left.

“Hey, y/n, we need to head to the arena.” Lance yelled to you.

“I know but there are prisoners down here too,” the path you had taken to the right turned into stairs down to the main floor of the stadium. Lance caught up to you opening one of the gated entry ways. Prisoners covered in bandages flooded out, he noticed how they all avoided you and flocked to him.

“Oh paladin of Voltron, thank you for coming to rescue us, we heard the sounds of fighting outside and quietly prayed for our savior.” Alien after alien was thanking him while they ran past and as you opened another gated door.

“That should be everyone if you guys freed everyone on my level.”

“We did.” Lance still didn’t know what to say.

All of a sudden, the comms in Lance's helmet turned back on to lots of shouting. “Lance, we need you to form Voltron!” Shiro yelled clearly taking heavy fire as he yelled.

“I’m on my way!” He yelled back as he turned and ran. He slowed a bit to look for you but you were already running by his side. Maybe you hadn’t forgotten the fight after all?

Pidge was next to speak into the comms, “Were they there, did you get them?”

“Yeah,” Lance answered.

The team felt a hesitation but celebrated nonetheless. “Alright!” Hunk yelled.

“Great job Lance!” Coran yelled happily.

You and Lance exited the building and ran up to Blue. She hesitated to let you in but after some coddling from Lance she opened up.

You got to witness first hand what it was like to be inside and a part of Voltron. You had a lot of questions but figured you would save them for later when they weren’t fighting the fleet that had been stationed on this planet. You knew the Galra treasured their violent traditions and that was why they always kept it so protected.

“If you aim for the four turrets at the same time it will cause a malfunction in command center that will deactivate the droid flyers,” you said your thoughts out loud as you leaned toward the window. It was one of the few flaws that this place had and you had obsessed over finding a way to do it yourself. Lance heard it loud and clear and told the other paladins.

Once going through with your plan, victory was sure and quick. Voltron disassembled and flew back towards the castleship. “Is this where the rest of the prisoners were taken?” You asked Lance.

“Yeah,” he answered and looked at you strangely, you thought. “Do you remember it?” He asked.

You frowned back at him, “No, should I?”

He looked extremely disappointed but you just could not understand why. He seemed to expect something from you and you just couldn’t place what it was. He was quiet while he landed his lion. He showed you to the exit and offered to help you down.

“I got it,” You said as you pushed his hand away. That upset him again and you were perplexed to say the least.

Then a bunch of people you didn’t know came running into the room all yelling or crying. This was too much, what did they want? You backed up a bit, bent your knees and brought your handcuffed hands up to ready yourself for a fight. Before you could do anything, Lance stepped in front of you with his arms spread wide. Everyone was confused, including you.

“They’re not the same,” He said. That was all it took for everyone to stop and look around him at you. You didn’t like all of the attention but they also weren’t going to attack you so you felt a bit better.

A girl with white hair stepped around Lance and walked towards you, you backed away for every step she took. She stopped and had the same hurt look that Lance had in the lion. “Y/n.”

“That’s my name but how do you know me? Did you see my fights in the Gladiator Ring? Who are you all?” You let your handcuffed hands fall in front of you, they didn’t seem like they were a malicious group but since you didn’t know who they were, you were cautious.

The tall, muscular and dark skinned fellow, bursts into tears that startled you.

“Y/n, don’t you remember us? I’m Pidge remember?” Another person spoke up, this one had glasses and light brown hair and was shorter than you.

“I’m sorry but I don’t know you.” You watched as they made a face and walked away towards the door.

Lance started talking again, “They don’t remember…”

“It’s similar to when I first came from Galra imprisonment.” This time the tall man with black and white hair was talking.

“First things first, we should get you to the healing pod and get you a nice warm meal,” a man with orange hair and orange mustache spoke up, he seemed to be unhappy too but trying to hide it.

“You’re right Coran.” The girl with white hair said. “I am Princess Allura and this is my ship,” you looked around trying to take it in but this was just the hanger for the lions it seemed. “Coran is my trusted liaison and is also right, why don’t you come with me and we will get you all fixed up and fed.”

“No offense Princess but I wasn’t injured during your rescue mission, I’m fine.” You offered a weak apologetic smile, you were trying to be as good of a guest as you could be. You could see that there were going to be protests to your refusal based on the faces of what you guessed were the paladins of Voltron.

The princess intercepted their looks and said, “It is nothing to be afraid of and is standard to be on the ship, we have looked at all of the other prisoners as well.”

“Oh, ok,” you conceded. You had thought that you had been receiving special treatment and that felt wrong. You didn’t deserve to be treated any differently than the other prisoners.

You followed after the princess as she led you through the paladins, there would be time for proper introductions later, you thought.

“Wait,” the man with black and white hair spoke and walked over, you tensed and he could see it. “I’m Takashi Shirogane, you can call me Shiro.” He smiled a sad smile than asked, “may I?” as he pointed to your handcuffs.

You hesitated, looked into his eyes and you couldn’t see any malcontent so you nodded and raised your hands. He held your hands gently with his left hand and with his right metallic hand glowing purple, he cut through the cuffs. The hardware fell to the floor and you breathed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. He released your hands after a moment and you rubbed your wrists as you followed Allura. You looked back once before leaving the room to see the paladins all hanging their heads. You were again befuddled. They had freed the planet and prisoners, what was there to be so gloomy about?

You were in the healing chamber for a while. Everyone except Pidge had gathered there to be there for when you got out. Coran had said that the pods could possibly reawaken your memories. He also said that the castle computer would print out a report of everything about your body’s health and that’s what most of the paladins were waiting for, what was the damage?

At that moment, a long receipt looking paper began coming from your pod. Everyone jumped to attention and Coran ran up to the pod. Once it was done he ripped it off and scanned it.

“Just as I figured, sleep-deprived, dehydrated, malnourished…all things we can deal with outside the pod” he read a bit more, “The scar on their face is superficial but can’t be healed, it’s been too long since the injury was sustained.”

That probably meant that it could have been one of your first injuries within the first weeks of being captured, Lance thought.

“They are missing their smallest finger on their left hand and since humans don’t have the ability to regrow that much, it cannot be healed…” Coran continued.

“I hadn’t even noticed,” Shiro said mostly to himself.

“There seems to be no mention of brain injury…” Coran read.

“That doesn’t mean that the witch couldn’t have done something with her magic,” Allura stated angrily. She knew what magic was capable of in the wrong hands.

“Th-this can’t be right…” Coran gripped the paper tightly and went back up to reread something. Then he went to the computer in the room to look something up. Everyone stilled and looked to Coran for clarification.

“Well, what is it?!” Lance asked after a very long silence.

“This.” Coran pulled up a full body x-ray and it was plain to see that your right leg from the middle of the thigh down, had been replaced with robotics.

~

It was cold, you thought. Colder than the cell floor. Wait, this wasn’t your cell, was it? Just then, the cold around you subsided as you opened your eyes and the glass in front of you whisked to the side. “Mmm c-cold,” you shivered and took a shaky step out. It was like you had been asleep for a week, you felt a bit better though. Your legs hadn’t supported you like you thought they would so you stumbled a couple steps into someone who caught you.

“Whoa, whoa,” you looked up to see Lance had been the one to catch you. He had wrapped you in a blanket as he caught you and you welcomed the warmth with a small sigh and small smile. He had a glint in his eye and winked as he continued, “I didn’t think I was a snowman but you just made my heart melt.”

You blinked up at him confused, wanting to both punch him but also laugh. You could see him waiting expectantly but when nothing came he looked away. Then you heard other people around you groan.

“Hey! What if they remembered me because of my pick-up lines?” Lance sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck as he let go of you and backed up a couple steps, “I had to try…”

“I’m sure they would have remembered something better than those shitty pick-up lines,” the guy with the longer black hair said. Even though he was talking to Lance, his eyes didn’t leave you.

“Are you complimenting me, Mullet?” Lance asked back in a mock disgusted tone.

“Absolutely not.” The man with the mullet answered back looking away in a huff with a frown.

“Y/n,” Allura asked, “Do you remember anything?”

All eyes were on you. “N-no, I mean not anything different. I have been a Galra prisoner for a long time… as long as I can remember…I don’t remember anything from before the prison if there was anything before the prison that could help you guys. I’m sorry I can’t be of any service to you all.” You looked around and you could tell that was not what these people wanted to hear. You felt like you had to add, “I’m being honest, I don’t have any intel to give you. My only piece of knowledge was the thing about the turrets and I only knew that because I overheard it while I was in a temporary cell after…” After what?

You looked down at your hands. You smiled at the hole where the pinky had been. That was your most recent time fighting back against the Galra and it was a good memory in a sea of blackness and horrors. You made a fist as you remembered after what.

“I remember it was after I punched a Galra soldier that was beating on a child prisoner. They took me to an isolated room and “interrogated” me. Every time you do something like that another piece of you gets cut off. As you can tell,” you rolled you pant up to your knee, “I’m not good at following the rules. They started with my toes, then my foot, then the knee.  They started working on my hand in the same way.” You waved your pinky-less hand.

The dark-skinned man looked like he was about to faint and so did Shiro. Lance had a blank stare that seemed to stretch for miles and the guy with black hair held a face that was a mix between anger and disbelief.

“I was one of the lucky ones, you could say, they wanted me alive to fight in the ring so they gave me a leg once it got to be a hindrance to my performance. They probably would have done the same to my arm if you guys hadn’t shown up. I wasn’t planning on stopping my actions to protect the prisoners.” Everyone in the room seemed to be lost in their own thoughts, so you continued to fill the awkward silence.

“None of it hurts any more, not like it used to at least, and it was one of the few freedoms I had.” You felt like you had to defend your actions, you didn’t even know these people but they somehow deserved your explanations. “The Galra that imprisoned me are merciless even from a Galra standpoint. Half of the prisoners were children, they don’t look it but they are and the Galra at that base made them fight each other…” you bit your lip as you continued, “I always tried to protect them but the Galra weren’t happy with that. So, they made me fight them because I’m a smaller species in comparison to the others. I found a loophole, I would have to maim them in some way. Now it’s not something that I’m proud of but if you consider that these were supposed to be fights to the death and these kids left the ring still alive, it’s truly a wonder.” You looked back down, ashamed to admit you hurt what you had just claimed you wanted to protect. “Eventually the Galra caught on that I was a strong fighter and instead of the children, I would face these… these…” you couldn’t find the right word for them.

“Monsters.” Shiro spoke up.

You looked up and his face was full of understanding and pain but soft. “Yeah…” you whispered.

“I faced them too. Not the same ones as you, and not in the same arena but I faced some of those monsters that Haggar created.”

At the mention of that name, a flashing pain shot through your head. You winced and fell to your knees with your fists on your temples.

Lance was the first one to move to you, he wrapped an arm around you so you wouldn’t fall any further. Instinctively you pushed against him, not wanting anyone to touch you when you were in such pain. He dropped his arm but stayed close. “Y/n, what’s wrong?” He asked very quietly but concerned.

“My head…” Talking made it worse and you groaned.

“This happened in the cell when I first saw them.” He ignored your protests and picked you up, blanket and all. He placed you on the small makeshift bed in the room and you curled in on yourself to ride the wave of pain out. “They had said my name, they remembered, but the next second they were in pain like this and then forgot who I was but remembered Voltron somehow.” He looked sadly down at you, the pain seemed to be ebbing already but it had exhausted your already exhausted body.

“Well we can assume it is the witch’s,” Allura looked over at you to make sure that was ok to say, “doing, Shiro had mentioned her by name so we can only guess that certain words or actions will cause some kind of punishment to y/n.”

“So, we can’t talk to them?” Keith asked.

“No, you can, you just have to be careful with what you say or do,” Allura looked back at you again, she so wanted to run her fingers through your hair in the same soothing motion you had done for her a while back but she also understood you needed space right now.

You had started to sit up on the bed and Lance was back to hovering next to you. “I’m fine, thank you,” you put up a hand that said stop but he didn’t move. You jumped down off the table and then your stomach growled. You clutched at it as if that would mask the whale sounds coming from within you.

“Haha! It’s good to see your appetite is the same!” Coran jumped forward to you and offered his arm, “Shall we go to the dining hall?”

You leaned back a little and bumped Lance, you looked up and he caught your eyes. He nodded to let you know you would be in good hands.

You looked back at Coran and held on to his offered forearm. He smiled to himself but also noted the weak grip. He wondered how you had been able to fight such monsters without any strength. Humans must be tough, he thought. You both walked at a nice pace to the dining room, he pulled out a chair for you and told you he would be right back with some food.

The dark-skinned man walked in. You hadn’t had the chance to learn his name but he seemed to be nice enough. You offered a small smile as greeting.

He took a deep breath and walked over. “Did Coran already go to the kitchen?”

You nodded.

“Oh man! I better help him make it edible for humans.” He left before you could ask his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Percy who called the missing limb in the last chapter! When I got your comment I was so excited but I couldn't say anything because I wanted it to be a surprise and I had a little more planned than just the missing limb haha. But props to you!!


	10. Getting Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After healing up a bit, you get to eat some of Hunk's cooking. Little by little, you start to remember who you were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say hi! I meant to upload sooner but I watched season six of Voltron and I haven't been the same since. I won't say anything in case some of you haven't seen it but damn, a lot happens!

The smallest paladin entered the dining hall, Pidge, you remembered. They spotted you and sat down at a seat across from yours. They placed their laptop to the side and looked at you from over their glasses. You swallowed, a little nervous about whatever was about to happen.

“I followed Hunk here because I figured he would be cooking for you. Do you still not remember?” Pidge asked.

“I-I don’t know what I’m supposed to be remembering?” Everyone seemed to expect some kind of information from you but they wouldn't say exactly what they were looking for.

Pidge looked down at the laptop, then back at you. “Can I ask you some questions?”

“Sure, it sounded like your friends knew more about me than I did though,” you shrugged. 

“Oh?” Pidge asked. They hadn’t been there when you collapsed by the pod and the rest of the crew deduced that the witch had done something to you.

You told them about it. “Yeah, they figured out that the witch’s sorcery is involved. They think that's why I am the way I am.” You unconsciously rubbed your leg where the metal meets your skin, it had a dull aching that you didn’t like.

“Well that would explain it. Can I still ask you some questions?” They looked serious.

“Yeah of course, I'll try to help if I can,” you placed your arms on the table, bracing for whatever this interrogation might have in store for you.

“Do you remember seeing this man?” They turned their laptop around to show an older human male with glasses.

“Hmm,” you studied the photo. “I don’t think so… I’m pretty sure I was the only… human… on the planet for as long as I was there,” you grimaced at your own mention of the word "human." The Galra and other prisoners had used it as an insult to alienate you and to brutalize you. You remembered the way they would kick you after your matches spitting slurs at you, human being their go-to insult. You shook it out of your head as you continued, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help, is that person important to you?” You wanted to get to know Pidge better and something inside of you wanted to protect them. They looked so small and unsullied, a lot like many of the child prisoners you had encountered.

Pidge stiffened. “Yes. That is my father Sam Holt.” That was all you got before they got up with the laptop and walked away.

“What about the rest of your questions?” You called out to them.

“Forget it, you’re not helpful like this.” They walked out without looking back.

You could sense that, yet again, you had said something wrong. You sighed sitting back and crossing your arms. What did these people want? You closed your eyes to ponder that for a moment.

“Oh,” your eyes snapped open to see Hunk addressing you from the door of the connecting room, “if you’re tired we can bring the food to you later.” He had a tray of exotic looking food and a glass full of some kind of liquid.

“No need! I was just thinking,” your eyes were glued to the tray as Hunk walked over and placed it in front of you. You had never seen anything even remotely close to these foods in the prison and they were each very different from each other. You gulped at the thought of eating anything that wasn’t the slop you ate as a prisoner. The Galra cook had said that it had all of the nutrients to keep a living organism alive but somehow it had no flavor and it confused you, it should have tasted like something right?

Hunk noticed your hesitation, “Is anything wrong with it?” He had prepared foods that he knew you had had before with him but maybe your tastes changed along with your memory.

“Did the others eat?” You tore your eyes away from your food to look at Hunk. “Did the other prisoners you freed eat? I don’t want special treatment, I don’t deserve it and if they haven’t eaten then I want them to eat first, especially the young ones.” You wanted nothing more than to tear into the meal.

Hunk smiled, even now you were worried about others, somethings must never change he figured. “Yes, they ate, we had a banquet earlier today for everyone, you were just in the healing pod for a little longer than expected and we didn’t want to make everyone wait.”

“That’s good.” Your eyes slunk back to your tray. It all looked so good. Where to start?

“I have a feeling that you’ll like this one,” Hunk pointed to the smallest bowl on the tray, “It’s very cold,” he handed you a spoon to eat it with.

You scooped about half the spoon full of the soft morsel. You placed it in your mouth and immediately you felt the cold but after the cold it was very sweet and creamy. “Mmmmmmm,” you closed your eyes to savor every bit of the taste and the sensation in your mouth.

Hunk was awestruck by you. He was watching you eat ice cream and since you didn’t remember it, it was like your first time ever having it. You were as adorable as a child trying it. This might be the only upside to your memory loss, he thought.

Your eyes flashed open and you startled Hunk when you said quite loudly, “This is so good!!” You scooped another spoonful up and placed it in your mouth, again you closed your eyes in happy delight.

Hunk thought it cute when you closed your eyes to taste food, this was one of your habits from before too. It was as if you thought your eyes would deceive you or distract you. You always tried to be unbiased, even when tasting food. “If you liked that then try this,” he pushed the plate forward.

“Ok!” You learned quickly that if Hunk recommended it then it was probably good.

This time you used the fork to stab at one of the lumps on the plate. There was a sauce on it that made a string from your fork to the plate. You took a bite and were assaulted by a new flavor. This was salty and creamy. The lump was solid but not hard or crunchy. It all melt in your mouth and was very nice and comforting to eat.

“You seem to like that,” Hunk laughed as you took four more forks of it. “This next one you might not like as much but you should definitely eat it because you need to have a balanced meal.” Hunk smiled softly as he moved the medium bowl filled with green plants in it. They didn’t garner the same response as the ice cream or mac and cheese but you seemed happy enough to be eating it. He looked you over as you diligently ate your space vegetables. You were much thinner than before, your hip bones very prominent, your clavicle standing out and your cheeks, he pouted. You used to have the cutest rounded cheeks but now they were hollow, it made Hunk so sad he had to turn away for a second.

“What’s this one?” you grabbed the last bowl on the tray and without Hunk’s prompting you took a big spoonful. You weren’t ready for the flavors of this one. It was crunchy on top and creamy everywhere else. While this cream was sweet as well it was also tart and zesty with little juicy bits of other foods mixed in. There were so many flavors going on that your eyes stayed closed for a long time trying to figure out all of the mysteries of this food.

“How do you like it?” Hunk asked nervously.

“You know, with the other ones it felt like I had had them before, like they tasted familiar. I don’t remember when or how but my body seemed to remember them and it felt really comforting to eat them.” Hunk teared up a bit, you kind of remembered, he would take it. You continued, “but with this one, it was all very new to me, I’m certain I have never had anything like it before. I like it a lot! It’s flavors are so hard to explain because it’s so complex but it works so well and it might seem weird to say but I feel like I was meant to eat this, it’s so delicious!”

Hunk started crying right there at the dining table.

It was awkward for a second since you didn’t know what to do. You wanted to try and comfort him so you reached over to rubbed his arm, “Did I say something wrong again? I seem to be doing that a lot around here.”

“No, you were right about it being meant for you,” He wiped his tears best he could, “This is my own creation of a combination between a soufflé and parfait.”

Wait, you had heard of that before. You furrowed your brows and looked back down at your plate. Where had you heard those words, not many prisoners spoke English and you highly doubted something as sweet as this was to be found anywhere near that planet. You could feel a headache coming on the longer you thought, it started out low and steady but, in a matter of seconds it had you on the verge of tears.

Hunk saw the tears starting form in the corners of your eyes and immediately shot up out of his chair, “What’s a matter? Did you actually not like it? Does your stomach hurt? Did I give you too much too soon? I knew I should have just stuck with the basics!”

“No,” you blinked away the tears, “It’s just a headache, I think I need to go lay down.” You stood up and wobbled a few steps before gaining your stride, Hunk tried to help you but you waved him off. “I’m gonna go back to the healing pod room, there was a bed there. Make sure you keep the other prisoners as well fed as me,” you smiled back at Hunk before exiting the room.

"I'll come get you as soon as I finish cleaning up!" Hunk yelled after you as he grabbed the dishes.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. This is all you could think and continued to think while you made you way back to the room. If you could just lay down and be in a quiet dark area it would go away. Once back in the room, you found that the bed had been put away and no where to be found. It still hurt to be upright so you sat down next to the main computer stand. With the feel of metal on your skin it was like being back in the prison and it somehow soothed you. You drew up your knees and hugged them close. You put you head down so that your forehead rested on your knees and you just waited for the pain to go away. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Why did it hurt?

After two minutes you were back to normal. These headaches were worrying you since you had never had them before you met the paladins of Voltron. Maybe it was being in space that hurt your head, or different air quality or maybe just the lights being too bright. Somehow that witch Haggar was involved in erasing your memory but now what role did she play in these headaches? Whatever it was, you had to find a way to counteract it.

Now that you felt better, you decided to explore a bit.

The first room you stumbled upon was large with nothing particularly special about it except for an attached room that served to look over this room. You just peeked your head in and when you didn’t see anyone you left. You wanted to talk to one of the paladins, they didn’t seem to be afraid of you like the other prisoners. At the same time, you didn’t know how to go about that because everything you had said to them had really hurt them so far. You wondered how to make it up to them as you found your way to another exciting room.

This one was full of different spacecrafts, different sizes and shapes and with many attachments that you didn’t know what they did. You saw one in the corner badly beaten and in need of repair. It had scorch marks all over it and the window was broken. You swiped your hand over one of the dents and you could swear you felt a twinge in your heart and in your head. Hoping to avoid another headache, you left the room quickly.

You didn't bump into any of the paladins while you wandered the halls of the castleship, which you thought weird because someone should be patrolling, right?

The next room that you found caught your attention and was one that quickly became your favorite the longer you stayed there. Everywhere around you were stars. It was dark in this room with the only illumination coming from those millions and billions of burning stars in the universe. You breathed a content sigh as you watched them twinkle and as comets shot across the sky all going in different directions. You laid down on your back to get the full effect of the room with minimal effort. Before you knew it, you were falling asleep.

You woke up slowly, at some point you had rolled onto your right side, you thought, "and… gotten a blanket?" You pushed the cover with your left had as you sat up confused. “Where would I have even found this?” you mumbled to yourself.

“I brought it.” A voice in the darkness next to you spoke and you jumped out of your skin. “Sorry! It’s Lance!”

You recovered a bit but you were wide awake now. Since it was almost impossible to see him, you looked up as you asked, “What is this place?”

“The overlook,” Lance answered, “but I think a better name for it is star-deck,” he added softly.

That did sound like a good name given the spectacle in front of you both, “I agree with that, I love the view.” You would never tire of looking out into the great vastness of space, there always seemed to be something new to be seen.

“You know you gave me quite a scare,” Lance said, his figure more noticeable now that your eyes had adjusted to being awake. He was sitting next to you with a comfortable amount of space between you two, also looking upwards. “One minute you were supposed to be eating and then next Hunk is crying that he lost you while he was cleaning up dishes.”

“Ah! I completely forgot he said he was going to go find me, I’m sorry I caused you and him unnecessary concern,” You looked back down at your hands, you were only good at making trouble here, you thought.

“It’s alright, we knew you couldn’t have left the ship and I knew where to find you,” he shrugged.

“You did?” You hadn’t followed any direct way to get here, it just kind of happened. “How?”

“Call it a hunch?” Lance smiled slightly to himself. He knew more than he was letting on to you and you could tell. Maybe you could ask Lance your questions.

“Hey Lance,” you said quietly while you grabbed your knees to your chest. He didn’t answer but you knew you had his full attention as you continued, “There is something wrong with me, right?”

He still didn’t answer you and every millisecond filled you with a quiet terror so you filled the silence, “That’s why I was in the healing pod for longer than the others, that’s why I get these awful headaches, and that’s why I keep saying the wrong thing to everyone and upsetting them, right? If I’m not sick or there isn’t something wrong with me because of Haggar, then I must just be a bad person, right?” You squeezed the blanket, you didn’t know where this was coming from. Not once could you remember a time in prison where you were filled with such uncertainty and questioning of your own existence. Surprisingly you also felt so relaxed here at the same time. There were finally people, other humans too, who would listen to you. You knew you didn’t deserve them but god, were you so relieved to have them even if for a short while.

Lance had moved over to be next you, his shoulder was now touching yours. You didn’t want to move away, not this time. You hadn’t felt contact that wasn’t malicious in so long and even though it scared you, it also excited you and settled you all at once. Lance looked you in your eyes as he said, “You aren’t a bad person, y/n.” He told you definitively and paused for you to process it. “You were never a bad person, so you don’t need to worry about that.”

“But how do you know?” You had to look away, “I have said a lot of things that hurt you and your friends’ feelings in my very short time being here and as a prisoner I did some inexplicably awful things.”

Lance sighed, he knew you would continue to argue this if he didn’t shut it down quickly. “Y/n,” he paused. The group had made the decision to not tell you about your past with the team yet, but that decision was made without your knowledge. Lance knew you and knew that you would want to know, even if it caused you pain. He gulped, even still, he didn’t want to be the one to have to hurt you like that.

“What is it Lance?” When he looked back at you, you were looking at him worried.

After a deep breath he spoke, “I know you’re not a bad person and I knew you would be here because I know you.” You looked confused so he continued, “I knew you before you were in that Galra prison. You had been a part of this team, you are from Earth like the rest of us. Everyone knows you but we didn't want to say anything to you about it yet because we figured it would be too much.”

You weren’t expecting that. Along with this discovery you were blindsided by the worst pain in your head you have had so far. Your tears started immediately.

Lance wrapped his arm around you.

“Hurts,” was all you could manage.

“I know and I’m sorry but you have a right to know.” He sat with you as the pain seeped away slowly.

After the pain was mostly gone you stayed quiet in Lance’s embrace. You were already starting to put things together. There were a lot of holes in your memory that needed to be filled but now you had hurtled the major mental block. The thought process was painful but things started trickling in. Lance could see you weren’t crying any more and let go. Once he did you stood up to pace in front of him.

“So, I knew everyone. Then I must be saying things that they think I should already know or that they didn’t expect me to if I was the old me. But I still don’t know what I'm supposed to remember. How can you remember what you forgot? I don’t remember everyone yet, but I was a part of this team? I helped with Voltron? Did I fly a lion?” You looked excitedly at Lance.

He laughed at how quickly you made the change from pain to curiosity, “No, no lion, but you were way more important. You held the team together, we all feel that you made living in this castleship a little more bearable. When I see you, I think of home and I’m sure the rest of the paladins think that too.”

“Oh, that does sound important. It must have been tough for you guys if I wasn’t around,” You stopped for a second, worried that even your absence was a burden.

“Are you kidding? You were the one in prison? I think things were a bit tougher for you,” Lance still couldn’t believe that you were worried about the team that you didn’t even remember.

“Oh right, but that’s fine,” you dismissed, “I have a lot of questions but I think this should stop here, my headache is coming back. Can we talk more about this later?”

Lance nodded.

“Promise?” You wanted to make sure that it really would happen. You were going to learn about who you were before Galra imprisonment, it's important to you, as it should be.

“I promise,” Lance drew a cross over his heart. “Why don’t I show you around the castleship?”

“Ok!” You smiled as he got up from the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hunk, bless his soul. He just wants to make you happy so he gives you your favorite comfort foods of mac and cheese and ice cream but boy, that's not what you give to someone who is malnourished! Also I know Coran originally went in to the kitchen to cook but he got kicked out when Hunk saw him preparing some kind of space insect. Hunk saved you there.


	11. It's a Process for Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little by little you are learning about yourself and the paladins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little bonus chapter. This fic has 1000 hits! That's a huge milestone for me considering this is my first fic!? I've gotten onto a schedule of uploading basically every 5 days but I couldn't help but give you all a little something for helping me reach this goal! Thanks for all your support! Every hit, kudos, and comment means so much to me! Thanks again!  
>  ٩̋(ˊ•͈ ꇴ •͈ˋ)و

The first stop for you and Lance was to find Hunk. When you finally found him, he was his room, the door swished opened and you both walked in. Hunk burst into tears as you both entered, he ran over and hugged you. You were surprised by the sudden affection but pat him on the back nonetheless.

“I was so worried! I should have taken you to your room or maybe I should have carried you, you didn’t look so good." He put you down so he could get a better look at you, "Are you ok? Was it the food? Was it too much? Be honest!”

Your head spun from all his quickly changing moods but you answered him as best you could, “I am fine, the food was amazing so don’t change it, and I have a room here?” You looked between Lance and Hunk.

They exchanged a glance as well, then Lance shrugged as he said, “I already told them about being a part of the team.”

“Lance! It's only been like ten minutes since they told us not to! They said it would hurt…” Hunk peaked at you.

“Oh, it hurt, that was the worst headache so far but now I kind of remember!” You looked at Hunk hopeful that he would also share some sort of memory with you. You told them both, “I think these headaches are my mind trying to remember, so if it hurts, that's good! It was triggered when I saw Lance the first time, then again at the mention of…Haggar” you whispered her name, as if the mention of it would make her appear. After looking around, you continued, “I felt it again when I ate your cooking Hunk! I remembered it, and even more specifically the words soufflé and parfait! I think the distance from that prisoner planet is weakening the spell or whatever that messed up my memory.”

Hunk looked like he wanted to continue being mad at Lance but he also wanted to hug you again.

“I don’t remember a lot of things though,” You warned, you didn’t want to hurt his feelings if you didn’t remember something important.

“It’s not your fault, y/n, we’ll get your memories back,” Hunk promised you animatedly.

“Thanks Hunk,” You pat him on the arm, “But again, what’s this about me having a room?”

The boys looked at each other, Lance answered, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back there just yet, too many memories all at once right now isn’t a good idea. Let’s continue the tour,” Lance saw the discreet way you pouted and added, “we can see your room at another time.”

You brightened up and nodded your consent. “Hunk do you want to join us? I'm learning where everything is in this huge ship.”

Hunk answered, “Nah its ok, I was just worried you were lost and hurting on your own, alone," Hunk looked terribly sad at the thought. You blanched wondering if that was what it was like for him worrying about you, you didn't want to be the cause of such sorrow. Hunk continued happily, "but now that you’re found it’s ok, go have fun with Lance.” He waved with a smile at the two of you as you left his room and you waved back.

“Hunk is so nice,” You said once you were walking down the hallway, “It makes me feel like I really was a nice person to have had him as a friend.”

“You were and still are a nice person y/n” Lance reminded you with a little nudge of his elbow.

You smiled, "yeah maybe I am," you thought. At the moment you remembered something from your time as a prisoner. Your smile dropped and your heart rate went up. Then the sound of yells, deafening screams filled the air, Lance couldn't hear it as he moved farther from you. You vision shifted and you were in a dark cell alone waiting for something. You checked, you had all of your body parts so why were you in a medical room? When the door in your memory swung open, there stood Haggar and her first words to you were, “This is Voltron’s pet? It’s cute but full of useless information.” Turning to speak to a cloaked figure next to her she said, “Empty it.” The cloaked figure entered the med cell and grabbed you. You were dragged and strapped down to a hard table. They readied a long needle and aimed it right at your temple.

You came back to reality as Lance touched your forehead with the back of his hand, “Hey, are you alright?” he was asking.

You blinked up at him for a few seconds before answering, “Yeah.” Your throat was dry and you could still feel your heart beating very fast, you took a step away from Lance trying to get your bearing.

“You just stopped walking all of a sudden and didn’t reply at first,” Lance noted the separation, “And you’re a little bit warm and sweaty, are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah,” you said again with a little more feeling while wiping the sweat away with your sleeve, “I’m sorry, I just… I remembered when I lost my memories, that’s funny right? How can you remember losing something? It's ironic that I asked something like that, didn't I?” You tried to make a joke out of it but you couldn’t bring yourself to laugh.

One more time Lance asked, “Are you ok?”

You looked down at your hands testing their grip and your own grip on reality and answered him honestly, “I don’t know.”

“It’s ok to not be ok,” Lance said, “The whole team will be here for you,” he grabbed your hands, “I will be here for you.”

You looked at the connected hands. Unlike your clammy hands, Lance's were cool and it reminded you that you weren't alone in this. You took a deep breath and found a comfortable spot to place your soul inside you, you squeezed his hand and looked back up. “I’m ok right now, but thank you, I needed that.”

You both continued down the hall holding hands before you got to a semi familiar room. You let go as you jogged up to the door, “I think I know this one,” you pointed to it, “I saw it before when I was wondering around.”

Lance caught up and said, “This is the training room where we do team building activities and where we each hone our own skills.” If Lance was going to continue he was cut off when a loud yell was heard from inside.

“What’s that?” You tapped the button by the door to open it and inside was the red paladin fighting a robot. You both entered but stayed to the edge of the room. After a few seconds, the red paladin noticed you both and called for the droid to turn off before walking over.

“Looks intense,” You whispered to Lance before the raven haired boy was within ear shot and Lance didn’t know if you meant the training or Keith, maybe both.

Keith didn’t say anything right away and you didn’t know what to say so Lance jumped in, “I’m giving y/n a tour of the castleship.”

“Oh?” Keith answered. He clearly didn’t know what to say either.

“Yeah, I learned that I used to live here so I want to get to know it better,” Keith looked over at Lance fiercely, obviously already blaming him and about to start a fight, “I remembered something from when I was eating Hunk’s cooking!” You said loudly to draw the red paladin’s attention back to you to stop the fight before it started.

“That makes sense,” he still looked back at Lance not dropping the blame just quite yet and without thinking he added, “You used to always hang out with Hunk in the kitchen.”

“I did?” You weren’t aware, you hadn’t known what you did exactly around the castleship but Lance had made it seem important.

“Uh,” the red paladin looked sheepishly away, he had gone and told you something about the past.

“Way to go Keith!” Lance provoked. Oh yeah, his name was Keith, you thought as you gave Lance a look and he just smiled. You could tell he wanted to hold this over Keith’s head for a second.

You played along, “What else did I do, Keith?”

You caught Keith’s eyes and he broke instantly, “You used to bring me water and snacks that you and Hunk made.”

“Hey now Mullet, you can’t go making them your slave just because they don’t know any better,” Lance got serious.

“I’m not!” Keith defended himself, “They really did! And I offered to teach them how to fight!”

Keith and Lance were getting closer and closer to fighting when a memory of fighting Keith resurfaced. It was uncomfortable in your head but much better than the headaches you had been previously receiving. “Wait!” You pushed both of their shoulders back as you stepped in between. “I do remember fighting you Keith.”

“See?” Keith threw at Lance.

“Yeah… and you beat me…” you thought out loud. Lance revved back up, that was the wrong choice of words, “he beat me in the fight not like abused me.”

Lance settled a bit but crossed his arms to pout for a second.

“Keith, do you want to fight for old time’s sake?” You asked trying to be friendly.

He looked you over, “I don’t know…” he thought the same thing as everyone else had, you were too skinny. He felt like he could break you.

“Don’t be fooled by my small size, a lot of competitors underestimated me,” you put your hands on your hips, and puffed out your chest to show your pride.

“Still,” Keith raised an eyebrow, you were so weird. The first thing you want to do is fight? After having fought continuously for months?

“Are you afraid y/n will win?” Lance teased.

“No!” Keith shot back.

“Oh, you’re so confident you’ll win huh? Prove it!” You skipped backwards into the middle of the room ready for a fight.

“Fine!” Keith huffed. He ran towards you. You dropped to swing a leg around and when Keith jumped you smiled. Your next move was to rock back on your feet and to hit Keith with a kick. It didn’t land where you wanted but it did push him back. You got back up to standing as he came in close for some punches. You dodged easily and sent a couple his way. Only one landed in his stomach though. He jumped back for a quick breath before he jumped in close for a flurry of attacks. One of his punches clipped your face and  then he placed one kick on your metal leg immediately after. You smiled because you knew the kick to your leg hurt him way more than it hurt you.

Keith hesitated trying to judge your reaction to being punched in the face and without thinking he tried to kick your legs out but connected with your metal limb. "Ah, fu-" Keith began to swear but you took the opportunity to swing your metallic leg around for a kick to his now weakened leg. He was quick to draw his bayard sword to stop your metal leg from making the connection. You focused on attacking and keeping him on the defensive with the weapon. He watched, waiting for his moment to attack but your eyes unsettled him, they were different. They were dark, like you weren’t there. It scared him. When the moment he was looking for came he decided on something that would put you on the floor. You were somehow expecting it so when he swung his knee you pushed it further, throwing him off balance. You jumped him and, in his shock, he released his grip on his sword and tried to grab on to you to protect you from the impact with the floor. You landed on top of his torso with his own sword pointed at his neck.

His weapon changed back into the basic bayard shape in a bright light. You stayed like that for a few moments breathing only a little harder than usual. “I guess I won,” you said softly. You swung the bayard around in your hand and got off of Keith. He hadn’t made a move to get up yet so you offered him your hand.

He took it hesitantly, you were a different person when you fought, but it seemed like you were back to your usual self now. You pulled him up easily with one hand and he wondered where the strength came from. You handed him back his bayard, “Thanks” he mumbled.

“I didn’t mean to be like that,” you said as you both walked back over to where Lance was sitting, “I didn’t mean to give you a hard time, fighting is all I really know right now, everything else I am still trying to figure out.”

Keith would never admit it but for a moment during the fight, he was genuinely afraid of you. He was now ashamed he had felt that way even for a second because he understands what it’s like, “I get it.”

You looked over at him, he was still somewhat of a stranger but you wanted to be there for him. You made a mental note to come back and find out what Keith was trying figure out in his life. Once you were back by Lance you asked, “Where to next?”

“You should probably get Pidge to go to bed, they have probably been up all night, wherever they are” Keith had suggested.

“Probably the hanger,” you said without thinking. Then surprised that you said it, you looked at Keith and Lance eagerly. “I knew that?!”

Lance laughed at your surprise, “You’re probably right too.” He turned to leave.

“Thanks for the practice Keith! We can do it again sometime, and I can show you some moves I’m sure you don’t know!” You smiled and waved to him and ran to catch up to Lance.

Keith held his hand up to wave back as the door closed. Even though you were changed, underneath, you were still the same as you always had been and Keith was relieved.

Lance showed you the way to the hanger and it was right next to the room with all the ships you had seen earlier. You both walked into the hanger to see the small mountain of things that had been piled up around Pidge. Once you were a bit closer you could clearly see the bags under their eyes and the determination on their face. You slowed your walk and Lance noticed. He fell instep with you and without warning you stopped all together.

“What’s wrong?” Lance whispered, not wanting to disturb Pidge just yet.

At a whisper you said, “I think I said something that made them upset earlier. No, I know I said something wrong and they were very clearly hurt. I don’t know what to say now.” Your eyes were glued on Pidge, hoping that they wouldn’t look up from their work.

“You could try just apologizing,” Lance offered, not really seeing the big deal.

“I didn’t recognize them at first and then later I didn’t recognize someone special to them that I definitely should have,” you grimaced, “that can’t be good, no matter who you are.”

“Yeah, that’s rough.” Lance knew what it was like to not be recognized by someone important (cough cough you) but he also knew that you had been friends with Pidge before coming to space and that you knew about their dad and brother missing since way before Voltron was involved. It had to have hurt Pidge a lot.

You swallowed your nerves, took a big gulp of air and walked over to Pidge with an uneasy determination that Lance hadn’t seen from you in a while. “Pidge,” you started, “I’m sorry about not recognizing you or your father. I know now it was important to you and I wronged you, I’m sorry.” You studied their face, waiting for a response.

“It’s whatever, don’t worry about it.” Pidge dismissed you to continue their work.

“No, it’s not whatever! It’s important to you! I shouldn’t have been so careless!” You held your fists at your sides, yelling to grab their attention away from their work.

“It’s really not a big deal!” Pidge yelled back at you, “Now go away,” they added sternly.

You were frozen in place. You didn’t want to leave but you didn’t want to be rude and stay. All you could do was look over at Lance who was where you left him close to the door. The look in your eyes was one of hurt but he didn’t know how to help you either and just shrugged back at you. You looked back at Pidge as you said, “No.”

Pidge looked up at you confused, “No, what?”

“No, I’m not going to leave.”

“I don’t need you here. You’ll only get in the way, so leave.”

“No.”

“What do you want?” Pidge demanded, “Do you want forgiveness,” They pretended to crumple up something and threw at you, “there you go, forgiveness, now leave.”

“I don’t care if you never actually forgive me. What I did was horrible, 'I'm sorry' is all I can say though.” You looked over at Lance, this was kind of an apology to both of them because you hadn’t recognized either of them, turning back to Pidge you added, “but I want to help, any way that I can, I want to help.”

“You can help me by leaving.” Pidge turned around so they wouldn’t have to look at you.

You swallowed that bad feeling inside you. You deserved this. This seemed like a good punishment for what you did. This time you weren’t frozen and decided to listen to their demands for your departure. “Ok,” and you made your way to the door.

You didn’t look Lance in the eyes because he had just witnessed that whole embarrassing exchange and you didn't want to have to relive it through him. You stopped beside him for a second to ask for a rain check on the rest of the tour. He didn’t even have the chance to respond before you were jogging out the door and down the hallway. Lance looked back to Pidge angrily.


	12. Considerations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance hears why Pidge was acting the way they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all are so great! Now I'm back on schedule unless we hit another milestone lol this might be longish but I'm sure you don't mind :)

“What was that?” Lance asked loudly and it made Pidge jump in their seat.

“What?” They asked turning slightly to see who was yelling.

“That, that you just did to y/n!” Lance walked over.

“Nothing.” Pidge brushed him off and turned back to their work.

“I don’t think so. Look, you have every right to be mad, angry, confused and hurt. I know because I am too,” Lance pointed to himself, “But y/n,” he pointed towards the door, “they don’t even remember their favorite foods, or their family or what kind of person they were. Yet they were still worried that you were angry with them.” Lance let his hand drop, “What happened isn’t their fault, don’t take it out on them.”

“But isn’t it their fault?” Pidge stood up to match Lance's stance, “This was because of their plan, right? They had done this willingly, how could they forget us?!” Pidge was shaking with emotion. “That isn’t the y/n we knew!”

“This wasn’t part of the plan Pidge, and you know that.” Lance was trying to be stern but he could tell that Pidge was thinking about something else. “That is still y/n, and it doesn’t change anything.”

“Yeah, but,” Pidge paused and took a breath before continuing, “If y/n forgot us and we were basically family, what could have happened to my dad? Will he have forgotten me too?”

“This wasn’t by choice Pidge. I don’t know the details but we know that Haggar did something terrible to y/n to make them forget everything. They even had a panic attack remembering the day their memories were forcibly taken away.” Lance thought back to you frozen in the hallway, lost in your own thoughts but your face gave away your grave feelings.

“Then my dad…” Pidge started looking distraught.

“But they are gaining their memories back!” Lance cut Pidge off. “Y/n says it’s like a headache when they are reminded of something but once the pain subsides, they remember something. Sometimes it’s a feeling or a word that triggers it but little by little they are coming back.”

Pidge looked down at the floor. They hadn’t known what you were feeling, they were too preoccupied with their own feelings and fear that yours hadn’t even been considered. “Great, now I’m the jerk.”

“Yeah you are but something tells me that they’ll forgive you. Just like old times.” Lance relaxed now that he had gotten through to Pidge. One less conflict to deal with was always a win.

“But what should I even say? I just told them to screw off,” Pidge looked to Lance for advice.

“First you have to apologize for being so rude,” Lance punched their arm lightly, “Then you can forgive them for their forgetfulness. After that,” he shrugged, “something from the heart?”

“Something from the heart?” Pidge repeated. “Like what?”

“I don’t know, maybe some feelings or a confession…” Lance teased.

“I-I don’t, l-l-l-like them! Not like that!” Pidge stammered and waved their arms around.

“Uh huh.” Lance knew he had hit dead on the nose.

It was just Lance’s guess, but everyone on the ship seemed to have had a little crush on you, at least they did before. You were so nice and calming to be around. You always had everyone’s best interests at heart and you always worried and fretted over the paladins. You made them all laugh and you were there for them when they cried. You always managed to say the right thing at the right time. What wasn’t there to love?

The paladins showed their love and appreciation in different ways. It was shown in the way their eyes lingered on you or when they would brighten up when you entered a room. Every once in a while there was a kind word thrown your way, or a tiny present for you, but as far as Lance knew, none of them had said anything about their feelings to you directly.

Now that he had confirmed Pidge’s crush, another one that Lance knew for sure was Hunk because he himself had confided in Lance some time ago that he had a best friend crush on you. Hunk had loved when you both hung out and was so proud of you when you made something work in the kitchen or when you beat some bad guys in space. He didn’t feel the need to pursue your interest romantically because he was already so happy being your friend and Lance thought that was the cutest shit. Hunk was also not one to change his emotions so easily so it was very likely he still felt this way.

Lance was no exception to this hypothesis he had going and he had accepted his feelings long ago. He had never felt this way about anyone before and instantly recognized it as true love, as cheesy as that is. Lance loved when he could make you laugh at little things like just a look or a silly pun. His favorite thing to see, but rarely happened, was when you got sassy with Shiro. Shiro never knew what to do (because he also liked you? Maybe) and you could see that he was flustered so then you would crack up. Lance missed that smile that didn’t hide any pain.

“Try to apologize sometime soon. And get some sleep, you look terrible,” Lance turned and started walking towards the door. He paused to check if Pidge would do as he said and he was surprised that they were actually packing up their things and turning off the multiple machines.

“Now to find y/n,” Lance thought as he entered the hallway.

~~

You had wondered for quite a while and were completely lost. Nothing looked familiar to what you had already seen and nothing was ringing any bells in your memory. You finally stumbled onto a room that had a pit in the middle with seats that had cushions. This looked like a good enough place to rest for a bit so you sat on the end. You yawned. This had to be the longest day you had ever faced. “Maybe even longer than that one time you faced that alien monster who had four legs and four arms,” you thought. You leaned back thinking about your time in prison. It wasn’t all bad. The beginning had been and the end was mixed but for a short time in the middle, the other prisoners really looked up to you and you had started giving up pieces of yourself to defend them. That was where you had been so proud but that was also probably what started scaring the other prisoners too. Your hand went to your metal knee. You were a just like those “monsters” now. You had been “enhanced” and became a literal killing machine.

Did you really have a life before Galra? You had hoped so and the memories seemed to corroborate that but you knew minds were easily fooled. You had wanted so badly to fit in here but were these memories your own or were they just pieces of imagination. Not only had the Galra taken whatever memories you did have by injecting you with some sort of drug at the start but they also used magic on you too but for some unknown reason. “Those Galra were particularly cruel,” you thought. You were tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the drugs/magic, tired of the Galra.

In the middle of all these thoughts you had fallen asleep. It was a quick nap, maybe 10 minutes but you were definitely sleeping because you woke up to someone entering the room. Your eyes snapped open, to see Shiro frozen mid-step.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were sleeping in here.” He turned to exit.

“No, it’s ok! I wasn’t really sleeping,” you lied.

He paused and turned back to walk towards you.

“What have you got there?” You asked as he came to sit on the round sofa seat too.

“Just some files on the Galra’s movements, I came here to read because it’s quiet,” He had clearly been expecting the room to be empty and having you here was throwing him off.

“I can leave, its ok.” You made to get up.

“No!” He said a little too loudly and you sat back down, “Sorry, no, it’s ok if you stay.”

You didn’t know what to say so you offered, “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Shiro hit a button and a table came up from the floor. He had started to spread out the papers on the small table, without looking back at you he said, “No, it’s pretty boring stuff. The princess, Allura” He added for your sake in case you forgot, “just wanted me to read through them to see if I could find anything she might have missed.”

“Oh,” you moved a little closer to him to take a better look even though he had just said you didn’t need to help. “Maybe I know something from my time with the Galra…” You trailed off already deeply studying the papers in front of you. You reached out to move one or two papers to better read them for yourself.

Shiro was distracted to say the least. The last time he had seen you, you were fresh from your cell but now, you looked more yourself. The healing pod had made a big difference and he also figured having a decent meal in you was already starting to help. You were obviously underweight and tired, judging by the bags under your eyes. The scar on your face was something Shiro might never get over though. It looked deep and ragged. It crossed from your forehead through your eyebrow and the upper eyelid towards your ear. It would have bled a lot and right into your eye too. It clearly wasn’t treated the way it was supposed to be treated or maybe not treated at all. He unconsciously brought his hand up to feel his own scar. You moved a bit closer to look at a piece of paper right in front of Shiro. Now that you were so close, he could see that there is a smaller, lighter scar that crossed the long one and sits right on the high end of your cheek bone. He moved his left hand from his nose to sweep the hair out of your face and tuck it behind your right ear. You froze; he froze. What did he just do?

“Um…” Was all Shiro could say at first. It took a few seconds to recover. “Sorry! That was uncalled for! I shouldn’t have done that!” He could have gone on with his apologies but you stopped him.

“It’s ok, it just surprised me is all.” You looked away embarrassed.

“Way to go man! Now you made it weird,” Shiro admonished himself in his thoughts. Trying to shake off the awkwardness he asked you, “Was there anything in here that you recognized?”

You turned back around, “Actually yes.” You pulled a couple of papers together, “You see this word here,” You held the papers in front of Shiro and pointed, “It comes up quite a few times.”

“Yeah, Allura caught that too, she said it was probably a name of a ship or a station,” Shiro was thankful you quickly forgot what had just happened.

“Hmmm…” you were deep in thought, you bit your lip and closed your eyes.

“Is there something else? What’s wrong?” Shiro asked.

“I remember hearing that word while in the Galra prison… but from the way they had been using it, it sounded not like transportation but more like… a weapon!” You had found the thought you were looking for and your eyes instantly flew open. The two of you were pretty close but neither of you made a move to back away.

Instead of backing out this time, Shiro grabbed your free hand, “Are you sure y/n? Because if you are, that would be a huge win for Voltron if we can destroy it.” His eye contact was intense and impossible to break.

You nodded, “I’m pretty sure, I mean I don’t remember a lot of stuff these days but I’m pretty sure about this.”

He squeezed you hand, “That’s all I needed to hear, I trust you.”

You pulled out from his grip and scooted a little bit away, “Maybe you should just double check it though, to be safe.” You didn’t want him to rush off with a half-baked idea so you told him, “I don’t know what are true memories and what was implanted in me,” you rubbed your thigh feeling metal and skin through you pants, “so just check with another source.” You looked back at the papers to see if there was anything else you could see, you replaced the papers that you had pulled out.

“I still trust you,” Shiro said.

“Thank you,” you answered quietly without looking at him.

The mood had soured again. After a few quiet minutes you grabbed three papers and laid down on the sofa to read them. A few minutes after that you sat up and grabbed another paper animatedly but then quickly realized it didn’t say what you wanted. So, you sat back down. Shiro had to smile to himself, this what you were like in class when you had a really good string of ideas but then hit a wall, you would pout. Sure enough, when Shiro looked back over at you, you were pouting while reading another paper. Then the cycle picked up again when you found something, this time, what you wanted to read was in Shiro’s hands. You moved back over a bit and asked, “Do you mind?”

“No, of course not,” Shiro held the paper so both of you could read it. You were now leaning against him.

“Hm,” he could hear you say to yourself. You held up your paper to compare. “These logs look very similar.”

He nearly jumped, he didn’t but he forgot to say anything. You continued anyways.

“But, they are supposedly from two very distant planets, what could that mean?”

“I’m not sure,” Shiro wasn’t even paying attention to the papers.

“Well that is definitely something to bring up with Allura,” You handed him your paper and he put it off to the side. You grabbed another bunch of papers but stayed in your seat right next to Shiro.

The longer that you were reading the more restless you became. Every few minutes you would shift or change positions. Currently you were using Shiro as a backrest. He didn’t mind, it was nice spending quiet time together and since you were helping him, he really couldn’t complain.

You hadn’t moved for quite a while so Shiro peaked over from his paper and he noticed you had fallen asleep. Your knees were bent with your head and shoulders resting on Shiro. Your hands held the papers loosely on top of your torso. It looked as if you were still reading but he could tell by the long slow breaths you took that you were out. Shiro didn’t want to wake you up so he continued reading for a while.

Lance trotted into the room clearly looking for something. Him and Shiro caught each other’s eyes and Shiro put a finger to his mouth to signal quiet. Shiro nodded to his left and Lance followed and saw you laying on him. Lance didn’t totally realize you were asleep until he was a bit closer and could see your eyes closed. Lance whispered, “when did this happen?”

“Not too long ago,” Shiro answered back in a whisper.

They both looked at you still asleep. “I don’t think they slept last night, maybe 20 minutes,” Lance said.

“That’s how it is in the prison, the guards usually come around every 30 minutes or so,” Shiro was back to reading his paper. He knew what it was like from first hand experience, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they wake up soon.”

As if you had heard him you jumped up, your papers flying in every direction. You were standing on the couch disoriented for a second. When you realized whatever you had dreamt had gone away you slunk back down to be seated. You saw Lance and Shiro looking at you wide-eyed. “Sorry,” you said in a raspy voice and went to cleaning up the papers.

“Was it a nightmare?” Shiro asked casually.

You only nodded while you picked up the last two pages, not wanting to talk about it. You placed the small pile on the table and rubbed your face and ran your hands through your hair. Still a little sweaty from the dream, you noted, you stretched your neck and shoulders.

“How long was I asleep?”

“About 15 minutes,” Shiro answered.

“I’m sorry, you should have woken me up,” you scratched the back of your head. “I’m awake now, let me get back into this for you,” you scanned the piles to pick a good one.

“Its ok! You looked tired, and you already helped more than enough! You can try to go get some real sleep, you earned it,” Shiro smiled at you.

“I know just the place!” Lance intercepted.

“Well, if you’re sure,” you hesitantly asked.

“Of course! I can take it from here, thanks for your help! It made all the difference.” Shiro stood up to help you up which you thought was weird but he brought you into a hug and your thoughts faded. You could feel the tingling of a headache coming but that was the only part of you that didn’t want to be in this hug. Shiro backed up a smidge to look at you, “If you ever want to talk about the nightmares, or anything else, I’m always here for you.” He brought you in for another quick hug and then Lance took your hand and almost dragged you out of the room.

Since the fog of sleep wasn’t completely gone and now a headache was rolling in, you didn’t feel too hot. You were a little dizzy and disoriented. You couldn’t keep up with Lance and you quickly lost track of where you were in the castle. Thankfully he was still pulling you along by your hand, if he hadn’t, you would have stopped and lost him a long time ago. He stopped outside a door and hit the open button.

It was a bathroom. There were lines of showers and mirrors and toilets. You tilted your head at Lance.

“I figured you would want a shower?” He said a little confused.

“Oh yeah, I do!” You took a few steps inside and saw a little pile of clothes and towels.

“I’ll be outside. I’ll make sure no one comes in. If you need anything, give me a holler.” He stepped back and closed the doors.

You found the shower amazingly pleasant. Washing wasn’t something that happened regularly in the Galra prison. You either got hosed down or nothing. This here was an experience though. The water was hot and it melted the tension in your muscles. You relished in the way the soaps bubbled up and made your skin softer and softer as the grime was washed away. Your hair was silky smooth now where before it had been dried to a crisp and stringy. You turned the water off and grabbed the plush towel. Who knew drying off could feel so luxurious? Next to the towels was a set of blue pajamas. They were a bit too big but the size difference wasn’t s big deal. In fact, you welcomed the loose fit compared to the skin tight Galra garb. The shower had done wonders for relaxing your body but your headache was still there and worsened since being surround by the hot steam and smells of the shower. You shook it off and dried your hair some more before calling out to Lance. “Hey Lance…”

The door swished open immediately and he looked ready to do something. Neither of you knew what he was ready to do but he was ready. Once Lance noticed it wasn’t anything bad, he relaxed. Once he looked you over, you could see a light blush spring to his cheeks as he looked towards the showers.

“I’m done,” you finished your thought from before. Filling the silence, you continued, “This is yours, right?” You pulled at the shirt.

His eyes flashed over to you for a second and then away again. “Yeah.”

“Thank you for letting me borrow it, I’ll make sure to wash it before giving it back,” you rubbed your face with the sleeve, you were still amazed that the fabric was so smooth and soft.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lance walked over to pick up your dirty clothes and towels, “It’s easy enough for me to wash it with my other stuff.” He started leaving when he turned halfway to you, still not making eye contact he said, “Besides, it looks better on you anyway.”

It was your turn to blush as you followed him out into the hallway. You both stopped at a door down the hall. Lance entered a code and the door opened.

It was pretty basic of a room but there was a big TV monitor and a bunch of wires connecting it to multiple other boxes and machines. There were also a bunch of pictures on the wall. Some were selfies of Lance with aliens, some were landscape photos and then there were holes that definitely looked like there had been photos but they were taken down. The bed caught your eye, it looked so comfortable. You couldn’t even remember a time using a real bed. It had always been the cell floor/wall, the infirmary cot or the experiment table.

“You can sleep here until you’re ready for your own room.” Lance began talking but stopped when he finally looked at you. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I had another headache but its going away now, I’m just a little dizzier that usual,” you confessed. Your eyes fluttered and your body gave out, Lance was quick to catch you.

“This isn’t ok,” he picked you up and placed you on the bed.

It was as heavenly as you thought it would be. You sleepily smiled at Lance. “I’ll be ok, don’t worry!” You rolled a little bit on the bed and played with the pillow. “Are you sure I can stay here,” you looked around and it was pretty obvious, “This is your room isn’t it?”

“Yes but mi casa es tu casa.” He laughed lightly when you frowned, “It’s Spanish, sorry, we’ll get to that another day. For now, you can go to sleep,” Lance pulled the blankets on top of you and swept back your hair from you face.

You leaned into his touch with your head and smiled. “You're really trying to kill me, huh?” Lance thought, as he smiled back. He went to leave and shut the lights off.

“Wait, I know it’s selfish but can you stay?” He looked back, “It feels like if you’re here maybe I won’t have nightmares,” you explained.

How could he say no to that face? “Of course, I can stay.” Lance hit the lights and sat back down on the edge of the bed. You adjusted yourself to how you think you would be most comfortable to sleep. You closed your eyes praying that you would finally get a good night’s rest. Unfortunately, your waking mind had other ideas, you started thinking about Haggar and Zarkon and the monsters.

Lance noticed how you tensed and started breathing harshly. The only thing he could think to do was to start playing with your hair. He had done it before and it put you right to sleep then. It worked once again, you relaxed, your breathing deepened and then you were asleep.


	13. Tribulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when you thought that things were going well, something from your past comes along and ruins that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back on my angsty bs. I didn't edit this too much so I apologize for anything that sounds weird, I was away this weekend and didn't have the time. Also, I love hearing from you all! It's so nice, y'all are so nice!

You opened your eyes and sat up abruptly. The room was dark and Lance was gone, so was the TV and the pictures. You got out of bed and your feet hit a cold unforgiving floor. Then it dawned on you, you were back in your cell. Was none of what just happened true? You looked around for another being, anyone who could tell you this if this was real or if this was a dream but you found yourself alone. The bed that you had gotten out of was gone now too, you leaned against the wall and sunk to the floor. “This can’t be happening,” you whispered to yourself. Suddenly the door swung open wildly and you jumped back to your feet ready to fight.

Haggar swooped in front of you so that you felt her breath on your face. “What do you think you’re doing?” She placed her hand on your throat, picked you up, slammed you against the wall and slowly tightened her grip as she continued, “You belong to the Galra, you will do as we command.”

You gasped for air, each breath shorter than the one before. The edges of your vision blackened and the last image you saw was an angry Haggar.

You jumped awake, gulping down air. Lance was there, he was laying down beside where you had just been sleeping, still in his regular clothes. You were surprised that you hadn’t woken him when you jumped so you tried to be as quiet as possible. It took a long time to feel like you had calmed and controlled your breathing. Once your breathing was back in order, everything else fell apart. You gently pushed off the covers and scooted to the end of the bed so that you could sit with your back against the wall far away as possible from Lance so as not to disturb him. Your neck hurt but you ignored it for now. Covering your face with your hands, you let out silent cries. Tears streamed down your face. Of all the feelings that were swirling inside you, you were mostly confused. What was real? What was in your head? Who even are you? What is your place in it all? You sniffled, already feeling a tad bit better having cried through some of your emotions.

That was when Lance rustled the sheets on the bed. You looked at him as he reached out for where you had been sleeping but didn’t find you. He frowned first in his sleep and then slowly opened his eyes. Once open, Lance’s eyes went wide and he sat up quickly looking around the room.

“I’m here,” you whispered shakily through the dark.

He found you and his look softened. “Why are you over there?” He moved closer and then noticed in the dim light how wet your face was. “What happened?” He wiped your tears away with his thumbs.

“Just a nightmare, I think,” you answered quietly.

“You think? Do you not remember?” He asked hoping you could just forget whatever horrible thing you had seen.

“No, the opposite.” Lance was confused. “It felt so real, like it really did happen.” Lance brushed his hands from your face, over your neck and to your shoulder, you winced.

He was going to say something reassuring about dreams but he noticed your reaction so he asked, “What happened to your neck?” He pushed your hair back before you could say anything and he was shocked.

You started crying again. Lance brought you into his arms and rubbed your back. In that moment, he swore that he was going to protect you for the rest of his life.

Once your crying died down he released you and asked what happened in the dream. You described exactly what happened with Haggar.

Even though you didn’t want to, Lance talked you into going to the med bay to use the healing pod. He didn’t tell you about the dark purple bruises that circled your neck though.

Luckily, Coran was still doing some maintenance work in the med bay. He looked over happily as you both entered. His demeanor quickly changed when he caught you with a tear-stained face and dark marks all around your neck. No questions asked, he immediately brought up a pod for you and held your hand as you stepped inside. Once the machine took over, he swung towards Lance, “What in the Quiznak happened? Did you do this to them?”

“Come on Coran! Do you really think I would do this?” Lance shot right back at the man.

“No. Of course not.” Coran collected himself from the initial shock, “I’m sorry about that, I know you wouldn’t. It’s just…” he changed his mind to focus on the matter at hand, “what happened?” Coran looked sadly over at you frozen in the pod.

Lance described the dream you had told him to Coran. Coran played with his mustache as he listened intently.

“It definitely sounds like it could be some sort of magic,” Coran deducted, “Maybe Allura will know better.” Lance couldn't say anything else, Coran was already out the door.

Before Lance knew it, everyone was in the room. Coran had gotten Allura, Allura had gotten Shiro, Keith was with Shiro at the time so he tagged along, Shiro had gotten Pidge, and Pidge had gotten Hunk. Lance had told your dream to each person as they came and by the time Hunk entered, he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. They were all discussing their theories while Lance hung back by your pod. “I’m sure you didn’t want this to turn into a huge thing,” Lance was speaking to you through the glass, but he was looking at the gathered group debating all the possibilities, “But we can’t help ourselves, you’re important to us and we all want to help you. Plus, we work better as a team,” Lance smiled to himself, “You said so yourself, we are a good team.”

He looked to see if there was any change since you entered an hour ago. Lance squinted at your neck, the bruises were the same, maybe darker? They were more uniform too, like it connected and almost looked like a tattoo band around your neck. This couldn’t be good. “Um, guys…”

No one reacted at first so Lance said louder, “Guys! I think it’s getting worse!?”

Everyone rushed over to look. Coran ran to turn it off.

It was cold again but like brisk fresh air instead of a cold cellar. The glass door opened quickly and warmth rushed in. You blinked a few times before stepping out. Your legs were a little wobbly but nothing like they had been the first time and you could stand for yourself. You looked around at everyone. Everyone looked back at you.

You found Lance in the crowed and he sheepishly put his hands up and shrugged his shoulders.

“Why is everyone here? This isn’t a big deal,” Half of the people turned away as Coran walked up to you with a mirror. “Why…” but then you looked into the mirror and you knew why. You had a deep purple band all the way around your neck. You raised a hand to touch it and there wasn’t anything there, it was your skin that was the dark purple. You rubbed it, hoping it would come off but it didn’t budge. You started scratching at it to take it off but it was still there. Hunk grabbed your hand to stop you from scratching anymore. “Wha… What is it?” You hoped with all your being that this wasn’t what you thought it was so you tried to find something else to blame. “Do I have some sort of space illness? Was it something I ate?” You pulled away from Hunk, “Or maybe the water in the shower?” You backed up towards the pod, “I just need to get back into the pod, right? That will fix me, right Coran?”

“No, my dear,” Coran shook his head, “This isn’t an illness and the pod can not fix whatever this is.”

“If it isn’t a sickness then…” you covered your mouth as you gulped hard. You knew what this was as soon as you saw it. It was a collar, a Galra collar. This was how they marked their slaves to prove ownership. Every prisoner had this ring around a part of their body, for some it was their arm or their leg. You knew one prisoner who had his mark around his eye, you had affectionately called him Bull, for bullseye. You looked back at the room of people all silently waiting for you to continue. It’s not like any of them could help you now but you decided to share what you knew.

“I know what it is, I was just really hoping it wasn’t. I’m sorry I insulted your cooking Hunk,” You walked towards him. “And I’m sorry I implied the showers were dirty, they were actually really nice and clean,” You looked over at Lance hoping he understood. He nodded but looked serious.

“Well what is it?” Keith asked impatiently.

You took a deep breath, “It’s a collar, the Galra, specifically Haggar and the druids, use it to mark ownership. All of the prisoners in my prison had a collar somewhere on their body. Haggar can control the collar and whatever the body part is that has the collar. It can be under her command whenever she wants. Since my collar is attached to my neck… well, she basically has full access to my body or my brain through my spinal cord.” You unconsciously rubbed the back of your neck.

“But I don’t have one,” Shiro said.

“I didn’t either until today, at least not one that was visible. It was also rumored that at other stations the collar was the first area to be… removed if you caused any trouble since it is extra painful to cut the collar. It’s extra painful because besides cutting flesh, you’re also cutting a sort of psychic connection. The prisoner who told me about it had guessed that the Galra hoped that _if_ you survived, the pain of it would make you submit to their demands. That could have been your arm, Shiro. Some people, like yourself, are so strong that you survive _and_ maintain your own free will.” You smiled at him, happy he was free at least. “Our station worked in the reverse, they would abuse and torture you everywhere else before the collar so they still had a way of controlling you at the end of the day.” It was like someone else was telling all of this information. You felt numb, this was totally out of your hands, there was nothing you could do, it made you feel so helpless.

“How does it work?” Pidge spoke up concerned and clearly not still upset at you.

You didn’t want to disappoint them so you continued, “A combination of drugs and magic, I’m guessing. I can’t really tell you much of the procedure since I wasn’t privy to seeing them done but from my own experience, they inject you with something that knocks you mostly out and wipes your memories. You have to be conscious enough to create the psychic link and a clear mind is an easily controlled mind. Then Haggar does something… ‘mystic’ I guess and you’re linked. Usually prisoners don’t know where their collar is until they’ve upset her and she activates it. Prisoners have described the sensation of activation differently, one said it was burning, one said it was like electricity, one said it straight up felt like they were poked with needles all the way around their leg all at once.”

“And for you?” Allura asked, wanting you to keep talking.

“Like immense pressure,” No one seemed too surprised by that information so Lance must have told them about your dream. “Now that the collar is activated, there is no way I can stay here.”

Everyone snapped their heads your way.

“Like I said, Hagger can control my mind and/or my body, I can’t stay here if you guys want any chance at victory against the Galra.” Your words were harsh, you knew that, but they were also the truth. You didn’t want to leave this group, not again. Everyone had been so understanding and considerate towards you, you were getting some memories back, and you finally felt loved but you also didn't want to compromise the universe's one hope by being selfish.

“No, no, no, no, no.” Lance came pushing through the other paladins, “We only just got you back, it’s been like 2 days! You’re not going anywhere!”

The others nodded along until Allura realized, “Wait, Lance we promised not to say anything!” She looked over at you, “Not that it was anything against you but we didn’t want to hurt you with a lot of information so quickly.”

“It’s alright Allura, I started getting memories back just being around the castle and talking with the paladins, it’s not anyone’s fault.” You had just wished you could get some more of your memories back before you had to leave again.

“You’re still not leaving!” This time Shiro spoke up. “I gave you up once, I will **not** do it again.”

The closure in Shiro’s voice made you feel guiltily hopeful, maybe you wouldn’t have to go back to the Galra.

“I don’t remember the details exactly but what I do know is that I would have volunteered or I coerced you into it. That couldn’t possibly be on you Shiro, you’re too kind for that” Since you had been standing near the pod, you were a couple steps higher than Shiro so you placed a hand on his shoulder and looked down at him as you continued, “I would do it again. I don’t regret that decision because I’m still alive and I made it back to you all to see that you guys are alive and doing quite well for yourselves. Those documents that you had, Shiro, really shed a light on the big blows Voltron has been dealing to the Galra. Import/export documents really paint a picture.”

“I won’t let you go, not again.” Lance pulled you back to the issue at hand.

“Well what are the other options?” You really wanted to hear one yourself. You threw out the one no one wanted to hear, not even you, “Worse-case scenario, one of you will have to kill me.”

Everyone was shocked into silence except for Hunk who immediately responded, “Nope! Not gonna happen, next!”

“Wait, think about it Hunk,” You locked eyes with him, “If I’m completely controlled by Haggar she might make me try to kill you guys, in that scenario it is kill or be killed. I would want you to live so that means I would need to be killed.” You talked in such a calm manner even you were surprised.

“Well we want you to live too, so where does that leave us?” Pidge answered for Hunk who was about to cry.

“Dropping me on a random planet?” You shrugged, “That way even if the Galra wanted to use me, they wouldn’t be able to find me. They only know as much as I know, so if we take the right precautions, I wouldn’t know which planet in which solar system.” That didn’t seem like the worst idea now that you said it.

“Nope, what else?” Lance asked.

“Come on Lance, be reasonable. That was a pretty good plan even for me,” You tried to laugh off the serious look on his face but he didn’t give in.

“We aren’t just going to abandon you on some backwoods planet in the middle of space. There’s gotta be a better way,” Lance scratched his chin as he closed his eyes to rack his brain.

“Well I can’t be on the ship. The only way for me to stay on the ship is to lock me in a room and don’t interact with me. I can’t know where the castleship is going, I can’t know what planets you all have visited, you guys can’t tell me about your days or your homes and families. I can’t continue to remember my time here because anything that I know, Haggar will know.” That last sentence probably hurt the most out of the whole thing. Solitary confinement wasn’t a big deal but choosing to deny your memories with the team and of home was something you didn’t want to have to do.

“Is there anyway to just take the collar off?” Keith asked.

“None that I know of, besides,” You drug your thumb across your neck.

“Maybe there is a way to take it off with magic!” Allura rushed from the room followed by Coran.

“I hope there is,” You said quietly to yourself. “In the meantime, where are you going to lock me up?” You looked back at the paladins.

“We’re not.” Lance said.

“Oh yes you are!” You wagged a finger at him, “I’m a danger! A literal puppet for your enemy, you have no choice, sorry.”

“Why are you fighting about this? You clearly aren’t under Haggar’s control right now!” Lance argued.

“We don’t know when I will be though! It’s for everyone’s safety,” You tried to make that the end of the argument. Lance wasn’t having it, none of the paladins were.

“You’re like three pounds, I think we will be fine,” Lance threw at you.

“Oh? Do you not remember when I beat Keith during our practice spar? He even had a weapon and I didn’t! Who has memory problems now?” You argued back.

Shiro, Pidge and Hunk looked mildly impressed given that you were so underweight and Keith trains every day.

“It was just practice,” Keith defended himself, “besides you surprised me with some of those moves and you did have a weapon! Did _you_ forget that you have a metal leg?”

“Oh right.” You had been defeated in that argument. “I’m just so used to it now.” You lied, you would never be used to it but in a fight, you have to use everything you got.

“The paladins can work in shifts protecting you from yourself and others, there isn’t a need for you to be locked up alone,” Shiro offered.

“What happens when you have to form Voltron?” You asked. “It would just be easier on everyone to lock me up!” You said it a little louder than intended, you were just frustrated that they wouldn’t take the easy way.

“It wouldn’t be easy on you,” Shiro returned. “I was locked up by the Galra before, this group of people has really helped me through the hard times after. Those memories of the gladiator ring and the abuses you suffered aren’t things that you can healthily work through yourself, trust me.”

“But like I said,” You started to argue but Keith cut you off.

“Being locked up by yourself isn’t going to help anyone, end of story.” His eyes were fiercely asking you to continue the fight but you knew you weren’t going to get through to any of the paladins.

“Fine!” You threw up your hands, “Are there any other plans?” You hoped there would be something.

Allura and Coran rushed back into the room at that time, “There is something here!” Allura yelled holding a couple books and Coran trailing with a whole other stack of thick books. “I think I might be able to find a way to get the collar off with magic! Give me a night to read these,” She gestured to all the books, “Everyone meet in the dining hall in the morning and I will tell you what I found.” With that, the two Alteans ran out of the room again, Allura’s nose already deep in the first book.

“So, there we have it, all figured out!” Hunk clapped his hands.

“It’s just a maybe right now, you all should think about other solutions in case this doesn’t pan out.” You reminded them, “I’m a liability and should be treated as such.”

“No. You’re our friend and should be treated as such.” Lance spoke up but the rest of the team agreed.

“Thank you, but it’s a wonder you have made it this far. You all are too trusting,” Your ideas of trust had changed based on what you had seen in the arena, you had almost entirely given up on working with others. There wasn’t any point in comradery when you would have to fight the very being you had just battled alongside in the match before.

“It’s only because it’s you,” Pidge was the one to talk now. “Look, I’m sorry that I was such a jerk before, it’s not every day that your friend forgets who you are,” You cut them off.

“I know and I’m sorr-” They cut you off.

“You already apologized, now it’s my turn. I was afraid that what happened to you also happened to my dad. I couldn’t stand the thought of two of the most important people in my life forgetting me so I lashed out at you like a child. I’m sorry.”

You took a step toward them, “No, no, I’m sorry! I should have remembered or at least kept my mouth shut until I did remember. I hurt you in a terrible way I am coming to understand that for myself. Your feelings are valid and you shouldn’t apologize for them! I could never be angry with you for that.” You wanted to hug them but you weren’t sure if that was something that you would have done in the past.

Pidge saw your hesitation and ran into your arms. You quickly embraced them back. You let out a contented sigh, one less thing to worry about.

After a few seconds you released each other and you scratched the back of your head. “So, for tonight, what are we going to do?”

Lance sprung forward but you shut him down quick, “I know you offered your bed but come on, you need real sleep, you shouldn't have to babysit me forever. I already got all of you up for this,” you point at your neck, “Tomorrow is going to be a big day.” You gulped at the thought of what might happen tomorrow. Another thought stopped that thinking short, “Maybe my old room?”

The paladins looked at each other uneasily. “Isn’t that too much too soon?” Hunk worried.

“Maybe so, but I’m willing to do it for you all to get at least one good night’s sleep while I'm around!” You looked around at their faces hopeful.

“Ok.” Shiro said and continued, “But if it is too much or if anything happens you have to promise to come find one of us. Just knock on any of the doors in the hallway and we will answer,” Shiro was telling you as much as he was telling the crew to be ready to answer.

“I will!” You promised cheerfully not sure if you would need to take up that offer or not.

“Alright. Keith why don’t you show them to their room since yours is next door.” Shiro yawned before continuing, “Don’t forget team, meeting in the dining hall in the morning.” He turned and started walking out one of the doors.

“I’m making breakfast so look forward to it!” Hunk winked back at you as he passed to follow Shiro.

“Don’t worry y/n, we are going to figure this out for you!” Pidge yelled as they ran out. Something told you that they would be doing their own research tonight.

Very quickly it was just Lance, Keith and you. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back to my room?” Lance snaked a tired arm around you. You would have laughed it off if Keith wasn’t five feet away staring angry daggers at you two. You felt guilty having already woken the team up, you didn’t want to keep Keith waiting too.

You wiggled your way out of his reach and he pouted a bit. “Lance you need to sleep. Thank you, for everything, really, but I can’t ask you to be sleep-deprived, not for me, I'm not worth that.” He didn’t seem like he was going to leave any time soon so you took a step toward him, leaned in and said, “I’ll be fine, I’ll see you in the morning.” You gave him a quick peck on the cheek and bounced over to Keith. “Goodnight!” You waved back to the frozen Lance as you left.


	14. Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get to spend the night in your old room before the team makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly just a transitional chapter so not much happens, sorry! Also 100 Kudos!? You all are the best! I have an idea that I'm working on for my next milestone goal. I think I would add it to this work as a series so you all would have the choice to go read it or not, let me know what you all think! I'm shooting for the goal of 2000 hits and 200 kudos (I think that would give me some time to flesh out the mini story to a good level).

The way back to the dorms seemed to go quickly, or maybe Keith just knew some good shortcuts or maybe you were more awake and alert now. Either way you were standing in front of a foreign door before you knew it. Keith entered the pin for the door and it slid open. As you walked through the lights flickered on.

Keith commented on the passcode, “It’s really simple, it’s just 55555, I think that’s from when you were here last. You should probably change that because it might be too easy to guess and anyone could,” He stopped himself when he saw you taking everything in.

“Is this really my room?” You asked somewhat in awe but also shocked you had so much stuff? With the Galra you had nothing, less than nothing because they took even your memories away. Here there were trinkets and pictures and clothes and so many things you didn’t think you would ever possess.

“Yes,” Keith answered from just inside the doorway taking it in for himself. “This is how I remember you keeping your room plus a few things Lance, Pidge and Hunk added. Pidge put up those string lights and the pictures hanging off of it are Lance’s and…” he scanned the room before be found what he was looking for, “those stuffed alien animals on the bed are Hunk’s that he made.”

“Wow.” It was all you could say as you picked up one of the animals and began to look at the pictures. “Oh…”

“What’s wrong, did Lance put up inappropriate pictures?” Keith stormed over to have a look for himself and take down anything unsightly.

“No, it’s just… these are pictures of me?” You didn’t know why you were asking because they were clearly pictures of you but of events you still didn’t remember.

“Is it too much?” Keith asked softly.

“No, I just wish I remembered, I look so happy here,” You touched one picture in particular that had everyone in it smiling and celebrating.

“Heh,” Keith laughed, “That was a crazy day, in order to strengthen bonds with some of the planets that we had previously saved, we were invited to an intergalactic eating competition.”

You shivered and made a face as if you could taste something rancid sliding down your throat at that moment.

Keith laughed again, “It looks like your body remembers what happened.”

“I guess but tell me anyway,” you wanted to know why you had that reaction.

Keith stood up straight and scratched his chin before he began, “Well, the paladins were supposed to be the participants in this contest. Every round was a new food and a new paladin. We were counting on Hunk to be our pinch hitter if we made it to the finals. Everything was going somewhat smoothly until Hunk’s round. Whatever they made him eat was absolutely horrible and he couldn’t stomach it so he threw up and was disqualified. Even with that disqualification we had made it to the finals but everyone was too full to continue.” Keith looked fondly over at you trying to see the story in the picture, “That’s where you stepped in. You took Hunk’s place in the final and I’m sure you regretted it. When they placed the food in front of you, all the contestants and the first couple rows of spectators all dry heaved. Not a pretty scene. The food was called something like Leckido and it smelled horrible.” Yours and Keith’s mouths both went into a frown as he continued, “But when they said go, you were going to town. There were very clearly tears in your eyes from the terrible smell.”

“Yeah and the terrible taste,” you added with another scowl.

“I’m sure it was bad but you didn’t give up. One by one the other competitors started being disqualified or straight up refusing to take another bite until you were the only one left. You won, y/n! You won the eating competition for Voltron, for us!” Keith seemed as happy as if it had happened yesterday. Lost in the memory, he grabbed your shoulders and swung you around a bit as he whisper-cheered for you.

You were shocked but you started giggling along with his cheers.

Keith opened his eyes to see you laughing and stared for a second. Then he realized what he was doing and released you, “Sorry I got caught up in the moment.” He backed up a step toward the door.

“It’s alright, I’m glad that it made everyone happy and that I have that memory too now.” You yawned and your face fell into a sleepy smile as you looked back at the picture.

“You should get some sleep,” Keith took a tentative step towards you again.

“Yeah, so should you,” You replied.

Keith took a step backwards, “Yeah.”

You climbed into the bed and under the covers. “Um, Keith?”

He was already on his way out but stopped to answer you, “What’s up?”

“I know it’s a hassle but do you mind staying until I fall asleep?” Keith didn’t say anything or move so you explained, “It’s just, these nightmares and it seems to help me if I know someone else is in the room.” Still just a blank stare was returned, “It’s probably something that I got used to because there were always others in my cell…” still no movement from Keith, “but if you don’t want to then it is totally fine! Don’t worry about it! Sorry I brought it up, forget about it!” You rolled over to face the wall. You were embarrassed you even thought about asking, note to self, don’t ask ever again.

Then you felt some movement at the foot of your bed. You peeked over your shoulder and Keith was sitting there. He caught your eye and blushed before he looked away.

You rolled onto your back and softly said “Thanks,” before whisking off to sleep. You had to have been tired because you slept for what felt like ages. It wasn’t perfect sleep and you had gotten up quite a few times in the night but you definitely started feeling more rested as the night went on. Keith stayed until you fell asleep but he was gone when you woke up the first time. It was somewhat of an adjustment being on your own in what was your room but somehow also a stranger’s room as well.

There was only one nightmare that you could remember and it was more of the classic fighting in the arena dream that always ended in your death. The moment when you died in the dream is when you woke up with a start. It took a lot of pacing and deep breaths to calm down after that nightmare.

~

You awoke in the morning from the soft taps of someone knocking on the door. “Mm coming!” You responded sleepily. You rolled out of bed and rubbed your eyes as you were trying to find the switch to open the door.

Before you could find it, the door swished open. On the other side was Lance, very much awake.

“Good morning!” He tousled your hair as he stepped in. You yawned in response. “How’d you sleep?” He asked a little more serious.

“Pretty good actually, only one bad nightmare, which is probably a record for how long I actually slept,” You tried straightening your clothes and hair so you didn’t look like an entire bum.

“Oh yeah?” Lance wasn’t really listening as he was picking out your clothes and getting your toiletries together.

You felt a little mischievous so you continued, “Yeah, I dreamt that you and I got married, it was officiated by a stuffed alien.”

“Sounds terrible,” Lance responded from deep inside a drawer, something was clearly stuck back there. He got whatever it was and came back to face you, “Wait, sorry, I wasn’t listening, what did you say?”

“Don’t worry about it, I have to get ready for this meeting, right?” You grabbed the clothes and the small bag of toiletries and turned to walk towards the door.

“No, you have to get ready for breakfast, most important meal of the day!” Lance smiled and pointed down the hall, “The bathroom is on the right, I’ll be here when you’re ready and I’ll walk you down to the dining hall. Be quick though, it’s best to get there early to have Hunk’s food while its nice and warm!” Lance pushed you towards the bathroom a little.

He seemed lively, you thought. Maybe he’s a morning person or maybe he’s excited to hear what Allura has found. Having seen him so high in spirits was contagious and as you were getting ready you too were getting excited, maybe you wouldn’t have to be a Galra slave forever. Things were looking up, right?

Wait a second, Lance even picked out underwear for you? That’s a little much. He did it so nonchalantly so would it be weird for you to bring it up? It’s not like you would have known where to find them but why does he know where to find them? You decided one weird thing can slide for the day, you were too excited to eat Hunk’s breakfast and find out your fate. That’s a big word, fate. This is kind of life or death isn’t it? At the very least this is the news and decision for what will happen to your life. Maybe you weren’t as hungry as you thought. You grabbed your stuff and jogged back to the room realizing you maybe spent too long thinking about this and Lance was waiting.

“You look great!” Lance smiled up at you from his seat on your made bed.

“Thanks,” you respond quickly, “you didn’t have to clean and make my bed.”

“It’s no problem, I always clean when I get bored.” Lance shrugged.

“Alrighty then, shall we head down to the dining hall?” You asked already partly out the door.

Lance jumped up and followed, “Of course. Hey wait up, it’s not that big of a rush! I’m sure Hunk hasn’t even made the panc…” He stopped what he was saying when he caught up to you and saw your face, “Are you ok?”

You suddenly stopped and Lance took two steps past you before he stopped. “Yeah. Yeah! Sorry, just a lot to think about, you know?” You jogged back up to him.

“What breakfast?” Lance joked.

“No, the meeting!” You said too loud, “Sorry.”

“Let’s just focus on having a good breakfast with everyone. You won’t be able to do much on an empty stomach anyway,” Lance started walking toward the dining hall. He was acting confident that Allura found a way to help with magic, maybe he knew something you didn’t, you followed his lead.

Lance was panicking on the inside. Was this going to be his last meal with you? If this was going to be the last then he wanted it to be the best. What if Allura didn’t find anything to help and they really had to drop you at some unknown planet? Lance had gotten little to no sleep last night. There was so much to think about. First, he had you back, maybe not all of you but you nonetheless! Second, you kissed him, on the cheek but still you kissed him. Third and finally, your collar situation was proving to be a difficult moral dilemma.

The two of you entered into the kitchen to see Hunk in a whirlwind preparing what looked like everything he knew how to make for breakfast. “Good morning Hunk,” You said not wanting to interrupt his process but wanting to make your presence known so you didn’t frighten him.

Hunk turned himself around, “Good morning!” He was whipping something in the bowl in his hands.

“What’s all this?” You gestured to everything, the whole room was covered in various dishes.

“Just breakfast,” Hunk shrugged. “I couldn’t really sleep last night,” he caught your apologetic look before you could say anything, “totally not your fault, so I stayed up thinking about breakfast then I got up early to make it all.”

“Wow Hunk, you really out did yourself this time!” Lance was pretty amazed at just how many breakfast foods Hunk had been able to recreate.

“Yeah well, I figured we could all use a good hot meal to start the day.” Hunk turned back around to pour out the contents of the bowl onto the pot on the stove.

“It smells amazing Hunk, I can’t wait to eat it all!” You joked, there was no way you could eat even a portion of this but if Hunk was excited then you were excited too.

Hunk warmly smiled back at you and you had to stop yourself from crying tears of pure happiness. Hunk’s face was just made to be smiling, you thought as you smiled to yourself. Maybe things would be alright.

“I’m just going to finish up a couple things in here, why don’t you two go out and get a seat, I think most of the others are in there already. I’ll be out in a few minutes!” Hunk called to you as a ding was heard and he rushed to turn it off.

You looked over at Lance and he lead the way into the next room which was the dining hall. You stopped in the doorway, the air in here was tense. At the end of the table was Allura surrounded by loads of books and tomes. Either she had been here all night or she moved here very early this morning because she still had her pajamas on and she was still reading. Everyone was here except for Hunk but no one was saying anything and everyone looked really grim. It reminded you that this meeting would decide what the team would do with you. Your nerves kicked up again.

“Morning Lance. Good morning y/n!” Coran greeted you too excitedly, maybe to warn the paladins you were here. It did just the trick though, the tension broke as everyone looked your way and greeted you with smiles.

“Good morning everyone,” You replied as Lance took a seat near Allura, there was another seat down there but you left it for Hunk. You took the empty seat in between Keith and Pidge, as far from Allura and her possible bad news as you could physically get.

“How did you sleep?” Pidge asked.

“Pretty good actually, all things considered.”

“How do you feel this morning?” Shiro questioned.

“Not too bad, a little sore,” you rubbed you neck, “but getting real sleep helped a lot.”

“Are you hungry?” Hunk yelled from behind you, arms full of different dishes and you knew this wasn’t even all of what he made. He started placing them on the table.

You giggled a little before answering, “For your cooking Hunk? Always.”

Hunk sniffled and you immediately went to apologize but it died on your tongue when you saw Hunk smile, “That is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me!” He ran over to you and wrapped you in a tight hug.

“Ok buddy, I know you’re sentimental but let them breathe, will you?” Keith held Hunk’s shoulder and he released his grip.

“Sorry,” Hunk looked down.

“It’s alright!” You said with no hesitation, you knew Hunk didn’t mean any harm. “No harm, no foul.”

“What does that mean?” Coran looked intrigued as he twirled his mustache.

“No harm, no foul?” you asked, “He didn’t hurt me so I’m not going to hold it against him.”

“Hold it against him?” Coran repeated, “Isn’t that what he was doing? Holding you against him?”

“It’s a human figure of speech,” Pidge stepped in, seeing this could go around in circles if they didn’t put an end to it. “It means that if there is no harm then there is no blame.”

“Ah, human speech, how mysterious.” Coran replied.

Everyone settled and started helping themselves to the food on the table. Allura kept her nose in the book which worried you but she did take a few morsels for herself.  You finished first so you took your plate and utensils out to the kitchen along with Pidge’s who finished right after you. Hunk was clearing some off the other plates away so you picked up a few to help.

“No, no, no, I got it y/n. You just relax!” Hunk grabbed the plates out of your hands.

“It’s not a problem Hunk,” You took the plates back, “You made the food, I couldn’t possibly make you clean up by yourself!” You grabbed the last two plates off the table before he could respond and ran to the kitchen.

“You really don’t have to, there is a dishwasher.” Hunk said as he entered the room seeing you already scrubbing the plates in the sink.

“Just trying to be useful…” you said to yourself. You turned to Hunk, “where’s that dishwasher?” The two of you loaded it up in no time and you helped yourself to another cup of space coffee-equivalent. This was something your body remembered before you did but damn did it feel like it belonged inside of you, it warmed your soul like nothing else.

Once you were both back in the Dining Hall, Allura finally looked up. Everyone silenced, waiting for her to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol @ Keith's happy feet shuffle in the bedroom


	15. Almost There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has Allura found? What will happen to you? Time to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies! The long awaited chapter after a terrible cliffhanger is here! Thanks again for reading :)

“It seems I found out what this might be.” Allura took three books from the pile on her left and opened to specific pages. “In this book, it outlines an ancient Altean spell that was originally used on Stefnaria to keep them subdued and together without the need for fences or direct oversight.”

“Stefnaria? What’s that?” Lance asked.

“That was a common animal, quite large too, on our planet it was mainly cultivated for its meat and feathers.” Coran answered.

“Oh, so livestock?” Pidge deduced.

“Exactly,” Coran confirmed.

“Oh yeah? Well I feel a lot like cattle…” you whispered as your hand made its way to your neck.

Keith glanced sideways at you having heard your whisper. You caught him looking and he quickly looked back towards Allura.

Allura continued, “There aren’t many instances where the spell was used on anything with a higher intelligence, except…” She pulled the second book closer, “This one doctor in an unknown village thought there might be benefits to using it on citizens so he conducted a few… experiments." Allura flipped a page to find the passage, "he thought that the calming affect would be helpful for those who suffered from muscular degeneration or mental degeneration. The problem that he faced was the psychic link that was formed. Stefnaria and simple creatures like them were easy to control but the level of intelligence of an adult Altean proved to be too much for the doctor and it drove him mad to the point he killed his patient to be free of the bond.”

It was silent, you could here a pin drop. Allura continued, “Another doctor also thought that this spell could be used to help people gain control of limbs that suffered paralysis or tremors. This proved to be more successful but only because the doctor found a way to alter the spell so that the patient was creating a psychic link with themselves and there was no other participant. Here they described testimonials from a few patients who went through the procedure. What caught my attention was how they described the feeling of the spell being activated," she read, "‘It felt like it was burning my flesh, like someone was stabbing me and an immeasurable amount of pressure.”

Everyone looked over at you, those had been almost the exact feelings you had told the team prisoners experienced. “I guess it goes without saying that this is what Haggar based her spell off of?” You asked.

“Yes, I believe so.” Allura sat studying you as she continued once more, “The first book gives me the basis of the spell, the second proves that it can be altered and some of the basic properties of those alterations but this third book,” she pushed it down the table for everyone to see, “tells me how to remove it.” She seemed to almost be challenging you with this gesture.

It seemed too good to be true. This had the key to your freedom. No one moved as fast as you. You stood up and grabbed the book looking at the page Allura had flipped to for yourself. You paled and sat down while studying it. What was depicted looked gruesome and painful. Since you couldn’t read the Altean, you guessed that the first step was to make an incision of some sort, next was apply some sort of potion/drug/poison/antidote that would be painful enough to make you hallucinate and this had to be repeated a bunch of times until the body was in so much pain that the psychic link would be forcibly cut, which was also super painful in and of itself. You closed the book so no one else could see and it took a few seconds for you to regain any type of composure to talk.

“If you can do this Allura, I’ll do it.” The other paladins looked eager to know, with an edge of concern. “My one stipulation is that it be just you and me during this,” you held up the book not wanting to give away what would be happening to you.

“I might need Coran’s help for something like that,” Allura was already thinking of all the things she would need to assemble to start right away.

“That’s fine.” When you looked over the paladins there was definite confusion and maybe offense that you didn’t want them to know. You let out a breath that felt like it took the weight of the world off your chest, your voice was low but everyone could hear you since it was silent, “I’m gonna be free.” You held the book to your chest smiling and relieved.

Pidge stood up first and hugged you, “that’s right you are!”

Then Hunk bounced over to join, “Yeah!” he shouted.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” Keith tousled your hair and joined the hug.

Lance didn’t say anything but he looked so happy and proud that tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he joined the hug.

Coran and Allura had gotten up from their spots and joined in. Allura took the book and placed it on the table, then took your hands while telling you, “I will make it work, no matter what.”

Coran scooped her and you into the hug’s center.

“Welcome back, y/n,” Shiro added as he completed the Voltron hug.

~

You and Allura had spent many hours together coming up with the best plan you could. She wanted to maximize the results without causing you too much unnecessary pain. You both had decided that you would do the procedure as soon as possible to give Haggar less opportunity to take you over but it would still take time to prepare the solution.

Times were busy and only getting busier. The alliance was growing, there were still thousands of systems to save and your collar problem started to seem like an insignificant nuisance in comparison. You felt selfish asking Allura to shirk her duties to help you but she wouldn’t hear a word against it. With all of Allura’s attention on studying the procedure and the magical details, you stepped in to a role of leadership alongside Shiro and Coran to fill the hole left by Allura. So, you threw yourself into her work. You weren’t even close to matching the Princess’s grace and eloquence when dealing with others but you were smart and understood how things needed to progress even with Allura working on this side project.

This was only going to be for a couple of days longer, the procedure was scheduled for later that week. You stuck by Shiro’s side because you figured he would have the easiest time restraining you if need be. He had the size and the skills to do it without getting hurt himself. There had been no incidents of Haggar taking control of your body so far but you were worried that she was reading your mind. There were times you had Shiro meet with officials or you gave Coran documents to review because you were worried the information would make its way to Haggar.

Three days before you were to do the procedure, one particular king finally allowed Voltron to make contact and land on his planet. He had resources and gaining his support as an ally would greatly help others in the Voltron Alliance. His first request was that he speak only to leadership and the paladins. You tried to beg Coran to go with the paladins but since he was helping Allura prep for your procedure he couldn’t go, so you went to represent the “leadership.”

Shiro assured you that it would be fine, he had done this before and you were fit to be a leader. There was nothing to worry about.

You rode in the yellow lion with Hunk. As you touched down on the planet, you noticed this alien race looked like a bunch of large slugs of fantastic color combinations.

The king, you assumed by the crown on his head, was waiting at the entrance to the grand castle. The king was mainly bright orange with undertones of pink and yellow with a matching patch of yellow hair on his head in between his eye stalks. “Oh, the paladins of Voltron, Defenders of the Universe,” he boomed for all to hear, “what gives you the pleasure of landing on my planet?”

“We are here on calling from the Voltron Alliance.” Shiro bowed his head and you and the paladins followed after.

The king rubbed his chin in thought. “And what would you need from me?”

Everyone stood back up, Shiro answered, “Your promise to join and aid an alliance of like-minded planets who want to be free from Zarkon’s reign and to fight alongside Voltron when the time comes.”

“Zarkon huh? But what do you have to offer me? **If you look at** Zarkon **, he killed terrorists. I'm not saying he is an angel, but this guy killed terrorists,** " the king countered.

“We are here to offer our services of protection for your planet in return for your acceptance to join our alliance.”

“Oh? Would that make me a hero then?” The king rubbed his clammy hands together.

“That depends if we win,” you mumbled to Pidge, they had looked as annoyed by this king as you were.

“What did you say?” The orange king looked pointedly at you now.

"Shit, he heard you?" You thought, "He didn’t even have ears." You stepped forward and spoke loudly, “Uh, I said with you we would win?” That sounded convincing right?

“But would it make me a hero of war?”

“Yes, I guess, there are already quite a few war heroes in our alliance and as a part of Voltron.” You looked back and smiled as you admired the group of people behind you. You got serious and turned back around to face the slimy king, “But, personally, during my time in Galran prison, I had to experience the cruelty of Zarkon’s rule first hand. It is not something you want your people to be subjected to, that should be a good enough reason to fight.”

“ **But you’re not a war hero, not really. You’re only a war hero because you got captured, I have more faith in people who weren’t captured.** ”

You took a step forward filled with irritation that this king wouldn’t fight to protect his people but he would fight for his own personal fame? Shiro grabbed your arm stopping you and stepping forward himself to stand with you. “With all due respect your highness, you have no idea what you are talking about. I’m leader of Voltron but I’ve also been imprisoned by the Galra. If you think that we,” Shiro wrapped an arm around your shoulders, “are inferior then you don’t need to join the alliance.”

You looked up at Shiro, surprised. “Shiro!” You whispered urgently while nudging lightly with your elbow to stop him.

“Well then you’re a bunch of failures. Get out of my sight you losers.” The king turned around to go back into the castle but thought of something and quickly turned back, “Oh yeah, black paladin, next time you recruit a planet, you shouldn’t tell them that you already lost to the enemy. It’s just bad business and dumb.”

That’s it, you stepped out of Shiro’s grip and yelled as you pointed your finger, “You do not get to talk to him like that!”

“I’m the king, I know best. **Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest - and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault.** ”

“But you’re not the least bit intelligent! You won’t fight for your people but you would for fame?” You couldn’t contain yourself so you added, “You know on the planet I come from, there is a species much like yours, just much smaller,” you held up two fingers to show the average size of an Earth slug, “but they probably have bigger brains than you!”

"You don’t know what you’re talking about! **I'm intelligent. Some people would say I'm very, very, very intelligent**." The king didn’t care about his people but he clearly cared about his image. “You’re just a pest.”

“Ha! That’s funny because that’s what you would be called on my planet!” Negotiations had devolved into a screaming match between you and the king.

“You don’t know anything, _human_.” He said it with such disgust that it had you seeing red. “You aren’t even a paladin. You don’t know how to defend yourself or your friends and least of all the universe.”

That hit a nerve, “I will not stand here and listen to an egotistical, ignorant, incompetent, orange-!” you took a step forward for every adjective you added getting ready to make a dash at the king.

In fact, you pushed off your heels to jump forward but Shiro caught you by both your shoulders midair. You fiercely looked back at him and he had an almost identical expression. You gulped, knowing you were going to get the scolding of a lifetime when you got back.

“We will be taking our leave now.” Shiro looked up at the king, “Sorry for wasting your time.”

“You’re right, it was a waste of time,” the king turned around without saying anything else.

You growled to yourself, that jerk!

Shiro heard you and shot you a look that said, control yourself now. “You’re riding back with me in Black.” He lead the way towards the other paladins and without turning towards you he added, “Apologize to them for this going south.”

You swallowed your pride as you angrily walked through them to follow Shiro. “Sorry,” You said sharp and bitter.

“It’s ok!” Hunk yelled as you approached the black lion. His kindness made you wince. You brought your shoulders up and head down as you entered after a very angry Shiro.

“Damn, they are going to have a Talk™,” Keith was the first to speak in the group because he knew exactly what you were about to hear, he had been there before.

“Yep. They’re in for a doozy of a conversation,” Pidge spoke up next, having had many Shiro Talks™. “Bets on how it ends?”

Hunk punched Pidge in the arm to shut them up.

Lance just looked up quietly at the black lion taking off.


	16. Shiro's Lecture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You face the consequences of lashing out. Shiro and you have a Talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited Shiro Talk lol Sorry, I lost track of the days so this is a little later than I usually update.

It was quiet in Black for a while. Shiro was piloting and you were leaning against one of the walls, sulking.

“Well…” Shiro started, still angry, “What the fuck was that?”

You were taken back for a second because you had never heard Shiro curse so clearly. You recovered and defended yourself, “he started it.” Not your best argument, “I was just finishing it.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“He was insulting you!” You said too loudly for such a small place.

“So?” Shiro looked at you, “That gave you no reason to argue with him.”

“He was insulting me! I defended myself!” It wasn't a total lie.

“Is that what you want to call that?” Shiro looked back at his display. “Calling him names and charging him? What were you going to do if I hadn’t stopped you?”

“I don’t know… stab him maybe?” You shrugged, to be honest you hadn't thought that far.

Shiro cracked his neck looking back at you so quickly. It took him a few moments to gather himself. “So, we went there hoping for a new alliance member and you thought you should stab him?”

“By that point he wouldn’t have joined the alliance anyway and I’m sure he would have been fine, aren’t slugs mostly made out of water anyway?”

“That’s not the point y/n, and you know that.” Shiro took a deep breath before he continued softer, “What really happened to you out there? Why were you so angry?”

"I'm just stressed I guess. Filling Allura's shoes has been a lot of work and this collar doesn't make anything easier," you tried to reason out your flare of anger.

"That makes sense," Shiro could see the logic in your answer, "but it felt like something more or something else."

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just an angry person now.” You couldn’t look at Shiro so you stared out the front window at the stars and planets zooming by.

It got quiet for another moment. “I don’t believe that at all.” It was a simple statement but it meant a lot coming from Shiro.

“Yeah? Well if you’re so smart then how do you explain what happened?” You contested.

Shiro pondered it for a minute. “Were you angry that the king was possibly right about you?” Got it one, Shiro thought as he watched you shrink into yourself, clearly disgusted.

“Yeah? Well he’s got me sorted, what can I say?” You tried acting tough, like you didn’t care but you were failing.

“He doesn’t even know you,” Shiro was still confused as to why you let it get to you.

“But he’s _right_!" You argued, "I wasn’t strong enough or smart enough to defend myself from the Galra and Haggar. For heaven's sake, you broke out of that very prison. The most _I_ did was let myself be chopped apart for some prisoners I won’t ever see again. I’m _not_ a paladin so what can I _really_ do for the universe? I’m just one insignificant human amidst the ever-expanding throws of space and…” You took a ragged breath, everything was coming out now and you couldn’t stop it, “ and I couldn’t _bear_ to lose any one of the members of this team. I don't remember a lot of things and that's on me but I am _certain_ that you're all impossibly important to me. At the same time though, I can’t possibly hope to protect everyone! I’m not strong enough! I’m not good enough! I’m not enough!” You were shaken to your core. You hadn’t told anyone this and you started to panic. “Forget it! Just forget I said anything!” You moved back a couple steps so Shiro couldn’t see you.

Shiro pulled Black into a stop, stood up and came around his chair. His face was in a shadow so it was hard to read. You got more and more anxious as he got closer, what was he going to do? Your mind was running exit strategies and disarming techniques before you could control it, due to your time in the Galra's prison.

He brought you into a hug which was the last thing you thought would happen. You reached your hands up tentatively to hug him back, shocked into silence.

“I didn’t know you felt like that,” Shiro whispered, his breath tickled your ear.

It took you a moment to recover your voice, “But it’s true,” you sniffled. “How can I ever compare to you and the other paladins? How can _I_ make a difference the way that I am? If I was broken before, and now I’m a literal fraction of the person I used to be, what have I become? What am I?”

“You felt like this before your time in prison?” Shiro pulled back a little to see your face.

You looked away, “Yeah well it wasn’t as big as a problem as it is now, I could manage it before but after…” Tears started rolling down your cheeks and you tried your damnedest to swallow the sobs that were bubbling up.

Shiro pulled you back close to him, “Listen to me. You don’t have to compare to anyone because you are you and that’s all that matters. You make a difference just being in our lives. You are strong, you are good and you are enough.”

“Thanks Shiro, you always know what to say,” you pulled away not wanting for him to worry about you anymore. You’d only end up causing more stress for him, right?

“You don’t believe me?” Shiro asked.

“No, er, I didn’t say-” You were stunned.

“You didn’t have to say it, it’s written all over your face.” You could see Shiro’s face a bit better now and he was clearly struggling with something himself.

“It’s alright Shiro." You placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "You aren’t going to make these thoughts go away with a couple of words, its no fault of yours." You removed your hand to scratch the back of your neck, "Though, those were the very right words.” 

“The thing is,” Shiro looked for his confidence in your eyes and placed his hands on your shoulders for stability before continuing, “I’ve felt those things before too. There are some days that are particularly draining as a leader and defender of the universe that leave me wondering if someone else would be better suited for the position. Someone who was whole in body,” you felt his metal hand tighten on your shoulder before releasing you altogether, “and in mind…”

You knew exactly what he was talking about. You reached up to caress his cheek and wipe away his one tear with your thumb. Then you brought him into a hug. You both stayed in comfortable silence, each accepting that they weren’t alone in their feelings, both feeling just a bit more optimistic for the future.

“Shiro,” you whispered.

“Yeah?”

“You are an amazing friend and leader. You bring out the best in people and your passion and dedication are so inspiring. I want you to know that you are worth so much more than you think, and I would want no one else to lead us because I believe in you. You should be thanked more often, so thank you!” You were getting a little choked up as Shiro let out a few whimpers but continued, hoping to fill his head with only positive things, “You have a beautiful heart and your hugs always make me feel so happy and safe.”

“Stop, stop,” Shiro whispered urgently.

“I can keep going,” you offered.

“It’s too much,” Shiro started pulling away, “How did this turn into you comforting me?”

“I would do it any time, you deserve to be happy.”

“But? I was supposed to be comforting you!”

“Well I think we did a pretty good job comforting each other.”

“I guess,” Shiro ran a hand through his hair as he took your hand and lead you back to the front of the cockpit. He sat down in the chair and looked back up at you, “Do you really believe the things you said about me?”

“Of course, with all my heart.” You looked at him confidently.

“Well I meant the things I said about you too, don’t forget that,” He was just as confident, Shiro added, “If you ever forget, I will happily remind you.”

“Same for you too, come to me if you need to be reminded how proud of you I am and how proud of yourself you should be.”

Shiro smiled towards the stars, “and they say I always know the right thing to say. I appreciate you listening and knowing what I needed to hear.”

“Well you’ve been a great example to me and the others,” somehow this had turned into a compliment and gratitude contest that lasted until you were back in the castle of lions.

The two of you exited still continuing. It was your turn, “You always go the extra mile even if it would be easier to not get involved. Your endless kindness never ceases to amaze me!”

“Well you are one of a kind and nothing less than special!” Shiro retaliated.

“Are they… arguing?” Lance asked. He was pretty sure those were compliments but you two were almost yelling them?

“I… I can’t tell,” Keith was just as confused.

“Is everything alright?” Hunk asked once you both were a bit closer.

“Yes.”

“Yep.”

You both smiled at Hunk and he shivered feeling deeply unsettled for some reason.

“Did you talk about what happened on that planet?” Pidge asked trying to get some details of your chat on the way back.

“Oh yeah,” Shiro turned to you and requested, “Don’t do that again.”

“Ok.” You responded calmly.

And that was it. It drove everyone insane for the rest of the day. Had you not talked about it? If not that then what?

Lance noticed Shiro was more patient and quick to offer positive comments and criticisms in the days after that trip. Usually Lance could tell when you were on edge or suffering through one of your memory headaches but you seemed more at peace now. There was just an air of calm that surrounded you both. None of this helped him deduce what you guys talked about though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter I am current which means this is everything that I had pre-written and going forward I will be actively writing the story. So updates might be a little more sporadic depending on when and how much I write. I apologize in advance!


	17. Beginning of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to begin the treatment to release you from Haggar's possession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Pain and Needles, both mentioned a lot so do with that information what you must. I'm sorry for the delay! I started a new full-time job and I've been trying to get as much content together as I can but I just didn't have time to edit and post but I'm glad i could find some time today!

“Y/n.” Allura entered the common room. She walked in to see you playing with the mice. The paladins were out on an important mission and you had excused yourself so there would be no way for Haggar to use the connection.

“It’s time, right?” You assumed.

“Are you ready?” She asked

“As ready as I can be.” You pat the mice goodbye as you got up to follow Allura.

She lead you to a room in the castle that you hadn’t been before. You knew that it was near her bedroom but besides that, it was totally unfamiliar to you. Coran joined you two only moments after entering the room. The room itself was small; it looked as if it had been used as some sort of storage space at one point but there was a bed now in the center and a tray table next to the bed.

“Y/n…” Coran looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words.

“I trust you both, it’ll be okay,” it’s all you could say to possibly soothe the man’s worries.

Coran smiled solemnly, “I’ll make sure you will be okay too.” He rubbed your arm reassuringly then walked over to where Allura was organizing some bottles and tools.

“Ok, just to review the process once more,” Allura finished up and turned to you, “I am not sure how long this will take but it cannot be stopped once we start, I don’t know what will happen if we stop in the middle.” Allura started slowly pacing as she recalled everything she learned in the last few days. “The procedure is simple enough, it’s a series of injections just underneath the skin and then activated with my quintessence and that,” she peeked at you, “that will be the painful part.”

“I know.” You nodded, reconfirming that you accepted the pitfall of this plan. It was what needed to be done.

“And you’re sure you don’t want anyone else here?” Coran had made it clear that he would be here for you but thought that you might want the company of another.

“No, absolutely not. No matter what I say during this, do not let anyone else in. Those poor souls have been through so much, too much. I know that this is going to be painful for me but it doesn’t have to be for them. If there was any way for me to do this on my own, I wouldn’t have even asked you two to do this. I never wanted to cause anyone grief, but…” you look down at your hands. They felt heavy, heavier then you had ever known them to be. Your hands had once been a way to reach out to others and to comfort but now had turned to weapons for the Galra’s entertainment. With your pinky finger missing and your hands rough and calloused, you can’t imagine that your touch would be comforting anymore. “They should just stay away so they don’t get hurt anymore.”

“Come now, they don’t think that way,” Coran took a step in your direction.

“I’m supposed to be some sort of strong leader to them now, I don’t want them to see me in pain,” You gave him a lopsided smile hoping he wouldn’t press the subject any more. Of course, you wanted someone to hold your hand through what will probably be the most painful thing you will have to endure but you also knew what it was like to feel helpless to someone else’s suffering. In your mind, nothing was worse than watching someone you cared about in pain and being powerless to change a thing.

“Alright then let’s begin,” Allura offered her hand to help you onto the bed.

“Let’s.” You take her hand and sit on the edge before laying all the way down.

“We’ll start with a smaller amount so you and I can get used to it.” Allura grabbed the syringe from Coran and with an apologetic look, injected the strange blue liquid (that you swear was glowing) to the right side of you neck. The needle was short and Allura had steady hands so it really didn’t hurt. Allura handed the syringe back to Coran for him to prepare the next one. She placed her hand over the injection site. You thought you could feel the warmth of her hands but you quickly realized it wasn’t her hands but your own neck warming up quickly.

“This must be what quintessence feels like,” you thought. The moment didn’t last before the fluid was activated and started stinging. Before you could process the change in sensation it started burning uncomfortably, like if an open flame was licking at your skin.

“How is it?” Allura asked after pulling her hand away.

You cleared your throat, “Not too bad.”

“That’s good, because it worked! The purple has faded in that spot!” She looked delighted and relieved.

“Then let’s press on,” you exhaled as Allura grabbed the next syringe. She stayed quiet and resolute as she injected the next shot, clearly more liquid in the vial.

You tried to watch her eyes to stay as strong as she was but as soon as she stimulated the solution the pain jumped from burning to stabbing. You shut your eyes and took in a sharp breath. Allura’s hand left your neck and the pain started ebbing but was replaced by a low ache.

“That’s seventy five percent of what’s needed in each injection.” Allura looked concerned when you opened your eyes again.

“It’s ok, keep going,” you recognized your heart rate was calming, you hadn’t even noticed that it had spiked.

Allura complied and took the third syringe from Coran, it looked almost full. She continued to work in the same area on your neck. You and Allura took a deep breath before she pushed the needle.

You focused your everything on not moving your neck so as to not ruin anything but you couldn’t hold in the moan that escaped, “Nnnnnnnngh.” Your right hand shot up to hold Allura’s wrist, not to move it away, just looking for comfort while you left hand gripped at the sheets with white knuckles. The pain was intense and excruciating. Again, it didn’t last long but the aching after turned to a throbbing pain as blood rushed through your jugular vein. After a few deep breaths you asked, “Can we do the back of my neck next? I want to get that done while I’m still, uh, together, I think after that you’re going to have to hold me down.” Before Allura said anything, you rolled over, moved your hair from the nape of your neck and placed your forearms under your forehead. A thin layer of sweat had collected on your skin.

There was no objection as you heard Coran walk over with the next syringe. The pinch of the needle was almost a tickle at this point. You braced yourself as Allura placed her hands back on you, they seemed cool and you reveled in that before anything could change.

“This one will hurt,” Allura hesitated. Even if she didn’t know human anatomy it was obvious this was over a muscle, still on your right side, that connected the head to the torso and spine.

“I trust you,” you declared to soothe her worries. You couldn’t say it will be fine, you just didn’t know.

Allura took a breath and began to imbue quintessence.

The muscle tightened and cramped, you right arm went numb and it felt like your neck was aflame. Again, careful to keep your head down and neck steady, you let out a harsh groan that was only broken by your panting. Your body ached to get up and run but you kept control until it felt like the metaphorical fire was put out. After your body collapsed with exhaustion, it took a while to regain your surroundings. You felt a cool towel on your neck and reached up to pull it off.

“I’m good, keep going,” your voice scratched.

“I’m sorry,” Allura submitted before pricking at the base of your neck, directly over your spine. This time the needle did hurt, there wasn’t much flesh between your skin and your spine here.

You placed the towel between your teeth, determined not to yell out. You were tense before Allura started and as soon as she did your eyes slammed shut and you let out a muffled scream. The heat in your neck seeped into your spine and soon it was everywhere in your body. From your fingers to your toes it felt like you were being burned alive. Your eyes were shut so hard you started seeing stars and then everything when black.

You found yourself in a black space. There wasn’t anything immediately around you but at the same time it was so dark that you couldn’t be entirely sure of that either. You took a few tentative steps forward and when you weren’t met with anything in the way you continued on. Your slow pace turned to a stroll, then to a jog and then you were sprinting. “What is this place? What am I doing here? How do I leave?” Questions swarmed your mind as you ran forward. Then something to your right caught your eye. It was glowing in the distance and from here it was hard to see but it was there. You changed course and head straight for it. Maybe it would tell you what this place is or maybe it was the exit.

The closer you got, the brighter it got. By the time you were in front of it, it was twice your size and you squinted to adjust your eyes to it’s dazzling brightness. Then a muffled noise came out of it, “was that… laughter?” You thought.

Now with eyes wide, you could see it was a screen of sorts playing out the same moment over and over. You were watching your friends form Voltron for the first time, the process was inexplicably awesome. The view shifted over to Coran and Allura, you heard your own giggle and realized it was from your point of view.  “They actually did it!” The memory laughed full of pride and awe. Then it restarted with Voltron forming again.

You smiled at the memory that you had forgotten and reached out to touch it. At the moment of contact you were enveloped in a white light and gasped to find you were back in the small room in the castle. You pushed yourself up, startling Allura and Coran.

“Are you ok?” Coran asked still a little startled.

“I think so, how long was I out?” You wiped your eyes, readjusting to the room's light.

“Out? Did you faint?” Allura asked.

“I thought?” Surely that black space wasn’t real.

“I think you just experienced a hallucination,” Coran offered.

“Hm,” You reached back to rub your neck and winced, forgetting yourself. You relaxed back down resting your body for a second. There would probably be two more on the back of your neck. You were already dreading the front portion because it was more sensitive and thus you figured would be more painful.

“Are you ready to continue?” Allura wanted to confirm.

“Yes,” you nodded.

There was a small pinch as Allura inserted the needle. You couldn’t help the tension rising in you as you knew what was coming next. As she activated the serum, your jaw tensed and your left arm started shaking under the stimulation. Your body was already exhausted and you couldn’t help being pulled into the blackness again.

Immediately you started running in the dark place, searching for another memory. There! In the distance, another light. This time you heard the sound before you could see the image.

You were crying, you could tell. The scene wasn’t as bright as the last, the you in the memory was in a poorly lit room with only a small window illuminating your surroundings. A hand in your memory reached up out of sight and came back covered in blood. Your own hand reached up to touch the scar that marred your face. How could you have forgotten this?

It was following your second appearance in the gladiator ring, you had won but the other competitor had gotten in a slash with their axe as you charged in. Your speed made it impossible to completely dodge and the rusty battle axe made contact. It wasn’t until after the match and dragged back to your cell, before you could feel the burning of the open wound and the stinging in your eye. You wiped away the blood best you could with the back of your hand but it wouldn’t stop bleeding. You kept wiping, frustration mounting and your tears forming.

You remember the feeling now. There was no one that was going to stitch you up and no one that would care, you were so utterly alone. You reached out to the memory hoping that somehow your feelings now would reach your past self. “It’s going to be okay,” you whispered as you were transported back to the present.

The first sensation you could discern was a hand rubbing your back, then a voice, “…s okay, y/n. We’re here, you’re not alone.” Allura had been speaking but the hand was gloved leading you to know it was Coran’s. You thought it weird she would say that until you realized you were whispering just a single word to yourself, “alone,” over and over again. You stopped once you were conscious of it. After a few moments you realized you had been crying as well.

“Sorry,” you rasped. You didn’t want to look up just yet. You wiped your face to clear the sweat and tears as you counted your inhale for four seconds, held it for seven seconds and slowly exhaled for eight. Repeating the process once again, you felt more grounded.

“It’s quite alright, this has to be taxing you beyond belief.” Coran comforted as he continued rubbing your back, “The hallucinations are a completely normal response to the duress you are under.”

“They’re more like memories,” you commented, looking up but laying your head to the side, right cheek on your forearms.

“That’s entirely possible,” Allura started, “as we break down the hold Haggar has on you, you should gain your memories back.”

“Then let’s keep going,” you urged while rolling on to your side so Allura would have access to your neck under your left ear.

“Let’s,” Allura nodded.

As soon as you were in the thick of it again, you lost the confidence you had just moments ago. You screamed. The pain was intense as usual but somehow it was reigniting the other sections that had already been treated.

Just then the Castle alerted you all to the arrival of the lions. You bit down on your knuckle to stop the screaming while you looked up at Coran with panicked eyes. They were back early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there are going to many more chapters after this, maybe 2ish. Just wanted to give you all an update for what my outline looks like it will provide lol.


	18. Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long struggle, you finally see the results. Even when things didn't go as planned, you made it through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are in for a treat today! A chapter and a special addition since we reached 200 kudos!! You all are so amazing! Thank you so much for all the support you have given me thus far! I really couldn't have done it without you! I was going to split this into two chapters but the pacing would have been off so just have it all!

****

Coran quickly picked up the tablet on the tray table and hailed the lions, “Ah! Welcome back paladins! I assume everything went well?” He was facing you so you wouldn’t be found in the background of his message.

“Of course!” Pidge answered. “The natives were much more technologically advanced than we predicted!”

“It was a huge help,” Hunk continued.

“How is everything on your end?” Shiro asked, noting Coran’s eyes shooting off screen every once in a while.

You let out the smallest whimper because now your knuckle was hurting and Coran quickly shouted to cover the noise, “Good! Everything is all good! Can’t wait to hear all about your trip!” Then he cut the video.

“That was weird, well weirder than usual,” Keith acknowledged to the rest of the team.

Back in the room, Allura was petting your shoulder.

You panted finally releasing the tension and breath you had been holding, “Someone should… go greet them."

“You’re right, it will look suspicious if all of us are missing,” Allura agreed. The two Alteans had taken your promise of keeping this secret very seriously. They hadn’t told anyone of the procedure or when they planned on conducting it.

“I’ll go,” Coran turned and filled the remaining syringes so they were ready for Allura. “I’ll keep them occupied with other things until you two can finish,” Coran walked over to you both and placed a hand on each of you, “but they are bound to notice your absence and as hard as I may try, I can’t keep them busy forever so time is of the essence.”

Allura and you nodded together and Coran made a quick exit.

“Llura, if we do smaller sections then I won’t need as much of a break in between, we can go faster and even if I black out you can and should keep going.” You sat up and started tying your ankles to the bed, “Let’s just tie me down so I don’t hurt you or myself.”

“If that’s what you want,” She seemed hesitant to restrain you but helped nonetheless.

With your limbs tied down and you laying on your back you were ready to continue. “Wait, my head too.”

Allura carefully swept your hair from your moist forehead as she placed the cloth there. “I’ll start with the left side, we’ll take a short break then on to the right, ok?”

“Sounds fun,” you bitterly smiled up at her.

One last deep breath from both of you and then Allura set to work. Your tolerance for the pain was at an all time low and even the smaller injection had you pulling at the restraints.

~

Coran was waiting in the bridge for the crew. One by one they came in through the elevator. They were worn out but in a good mood. “How is everyone?”

They looked at each other, assessing damages. “Not too bad,” Lance answered for everyone. “Where’s y/n?”

“They’re with Allura doing coalition work.”

Lance raised a skeptical eyebrow. You turned down going on the mission but you were working on coalition stuff? Suspicious, he thought.

“Anyway, I hate to ask you all to do this since you just got back from a tough assignment but the backup temporal particle isotope field compensator has imploded, resulting in system failure in the upper ionic warp field modulator. The whole thing has to be overhauled.” Coran pulled up some schematics of the machine in question and the paladins took a few steps forward to look. “I’ll need Hunk and Pidge inside here to work on the wiring and power flow and Keith, Lance and Shiro outside the ship to do the heavy lifting of changing out parts.”

“Can’t we take a break?” Lance asked. He wasn’t against helping and it sounded important (like all things that one doesn’t understand usually do). Even though the mission was relatively easy, it didn’t mean that he wasn’t tired and he knew the others must be too. He just didn’t have the shame to ask for a break.

Hunk chimed in, “Yeah, my brain could use a break before diving into the next thing.”

“It’s really important,” Coran urged.

“What about half a varga?” Pidge bargained.

“That sounds fair,” Shiro reinforced.

Faced with all of the paladins in agreement, Coran couldn’t say no, “okay, half a varga, meet back here.”

~

You lost count of the injections and how many times you faded in and out of awareness.

Presently, you were gasping for air. Your scream was silent as your throat burned. Activation over the windpipe made breathing an impossible task. You didn’t know if you fainted this last time from the pain or the lack of oxygen. This was the last injection before a break. Tears fell from the corner of your eyes as Allura finished diffusing her quintessence on the front of the collar. Even she was feeling the draining effects of using her quintessence in such a controlled way for so long. She stepped to the side and put her hands on her knees to catch her breath.

“You... okay?” you croaked, your eyes were on her but your chest was heaving.

“I should be asking you that,” Allura stepped back over to wipe away your tears. “So, how are you doing?”

You closed your eyes under her gentle touch. “Mm… okay,” you were still fighting for your breath to come back to you.

Allura started undoing your restraints, you gave her a questioning look. “We both need a break.” She offered you a cup from the table, “Have some water.”

You hastily sat up to take the cup. You drank it all in three big gulps, coughing at the end but relishing in the coolness sliding down towards your center.

“Whoa, slow down, you should have said you were thirsty,” Allura pat your back to help get the last of the water out of your airways.

You waved your hand dismissively as you beat your chest with the other, trying to end the coughing fit. “Whew, I’m good. Ready to keep going?”

“It’s alright if you want to take a few more ticks of rest” Allura answered.

“They’re already here, aren’t they?” You asked.

“The paladins? Yes.”

“Then we should hurry,” you brought your legs back up and started tying them down. The sooner you could finish this the sooner you could get back to normalcy. By now, you had gained back almost all of your memories but you weren't going to stop until you were free of this collar.

“Okay,” Allura helped with the remaining ties and you both set to work again.

~

Lance took advantage of his break to find you. He had to be quick so he jogged to your room first. Not there. Next, he checked the common room, nope. The observation deck, nope. The training deck, the great hall and the dining hall, nothing. Lance had been almost everywhere in the castleship before he remembered that Coran said you were with Allura so he started towards her room.

Lance was about to knock on the door when he heard something down the hall. He jumped behind one of the supporting beams in the hallway. Peeking out, Lance watched Coran walking from down the other end of the hallway, stopping at a door and peeking in. Lance was too far to hear anything. Coran waved and closed the door and head towards Lance’s direction. He pushed himself all the way back towards the wall hoping the shadows would cover him. He held his breath as Coran’s footsteps were coming closer. Coran passed with a serious look on his face. Lance didn’t wait long until he peeked out. He started towards the door Coran opened.

Lance hadn’t even made it two steps before someone grabbed his shoulder. As he turned in surprise, he was about to let out a scream but his mouth was covered too. It was Coran!

“What are you doing here Lance?” Coran asked, uncovering Lance’s mouth after the paladin recovered from the shock.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Lance nodded over at the door, “What’s inside?”

Coran’s vision followed Lance’s nod but didn’t answer. He didn’t have time to come up with anything before a muffled cry rang through the hallway.

“Coran,” Lance became more serious, “What is inside that room?” Lance took a step backwards towards the room and away from Coran.

Coran took a step with him and tightened his grip on Lance’s shoulder.

“Coran?” Lance asked already jumping to his own conclusions, fighting against Coran’s hold.

There was no way Coran could avoid telling the boy at this point. “Allura and y/n are in there.”

Another yell sounded and Lance whipped his head towards the sound. “What…”

“They’re taking the collar off of y/n,” Coran answered Lance’s incomplete question.

“I have to be there.” Coran held Lance with both hands as he struggled, “Let me go!”

“That’s not what y/n wants! They’re almost done,” Coran tried to calm Lance.

“But,” Lance looked at Coran and Coran understood.

“I know, I know,” Coran relaxed his hold, “but we have to respect their choice to do this themselves.”

Lance found himself nodding in agreement even though every atom of his existence wanted to bust down the door and stop whatever was happening on the other side. “I can’t just leave though.”

Coran thought for a second. “You can stay if you promise not to interrupt them. If you can stay quiet, then you can stay outside and wait for them to finish.”

“Ok,” Lance submitted and Coran finally fully released Lance but he didn’t move as another wail echoed through the hallway.

“It’s going to be okay,” Coran affirmed.

Lance nodded as he took a few shaky steps towards the noise. He hoped that he wouldn’t have to wait long. As he approached, you cried out and it broke him. He had never been a deeply religious person but he prayed that somehow you knew he was there for you. Lance placed a hand on the door.

“Lance,” Coran admonished from down the hall.

He rested his forehead on the door before turning around to sit against the wall opposite.

Coran left to distract the other paladins, he’d make up something to explain Lance’s absence.

Lance waited patiently and listened to your last yells. You were clearly hurting, there was no question. Every pained noise shot through his core. It made him sick to his stomach and he clung to the hopeful words Coran had offered. “It’s going to be okay,” became his mantra.

Soon there was silence for too long. Lance stood up. He heard Allura talking, it was soft so he only caught some words, “y/n…I’m here…okay…over…”

After a few more minutes the door’s lock clicked and the door swished opened. Allura had your arm around the back of her neck and her hand on your waist supporting you. She was looking down as you were dragging your feet slowly.  Allura looked tired, actually a better word for it would be drained. She didn’t have her usual pep and she looked more ashen and dull compared to her normal glow. You were an even worse sight. Sweaty yet pallid, weak to the point you couldn’t stand on your own and the bandage around your neck was speckled with dots of red seeping through. Allura noticed the paladin’s presence first, “Lance?” Why was he here? She wondered to herself.

At the mention of his name you looked up and immediately made eye contact. He was standing frozen and grief-stricken.

You reached out to him and he jumped over to help Allura support you. As he wrapped his arm around you, you released your hold on Allura to hold Lance’s face in your hands. He was a bit surprised but supported your weight on his own. “Lance,” you croaked and tried to clear your throat but it was raw. “I remember. I remember everything.” Your eyes burned as you teared up, you released his face to try to support yourself and wipe your tears before continuing, “I’m sorry. I remember and I’m so sorry for what I put you and this crew through but thank you,” You wrapped your arms around him and brought him into the tightest hug you could manage. “Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for remembering me when I couldn’t even remember myself.” You whispered, “Thank you for keeping your promise.” Then your grip loosened and you started slipping towards the floor.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Lance gripped your clothes roughly catching you before you fell entirely. Allura helped him readjust so that he was now carrying you on his back.

Once you were settled there, Lance looked over at Allura dumbfounded.

The altean didn’t know what to say, so she shrugged, “They’re exhausted, we’ve been at it for,” she counted on her fingers, “maybe four vargas? It’s hard to say exactly. We were on our way to their room so they could sleep.”

“Why not the healing pods?” Lance asked remembering the bandages.

“They won’t be able to do anything,” Allura started walking, “those wounds have quintessence in them.” She looked over at Lance who was clearly following her steps but not her logic. “The healing pods use quintessence at low even levels to heal, if an injury was sustained with quintessence then exposure to more quintessence might have adverse effects and actually cause more pain,” Allura explained. “Besides it’s all superficial and will heal on its own in no time.”

Allura lead Lance all the way back to your room, and even though he knew the way, he didn’t say anything. She probably wanted to make sure you got there safely after having spent hours with you in pain. Lance, with Allura’s help, laid you on your bed. You had fallen asleep long ago but looked happy to be on the soft mattress.

The first to leave was Allura. “I need to get some rest too,” she said heading to the door.

“Of course,” Lance responded. “Thank you for everything, without you I don’t know what we would have done.” Lance crossed the room to give her a hug.

She smiled as she replied, “I would do anything for you all, we’re a family, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we are,” Lance answered softly and waved as Allura left for her own room.

Lance stayed with you until you woke up the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the soft end, the major problem of you losing your memories has been solved! But! This isn't the end of the fic, I have more content but like I said in a previous chapter my uploads are going to be very sporadic so I didn't want you all to be left hanging with all the story strings untied! (If you wanted to stop reading because of the sporadic uploads, I wanted this to serve as a possible stopping point) 
> 
> I might just be rambling now but yeah, thank you for sticking with me and look forward to a little extra thing uploaded sometime today!


	19. Well-Being

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up the day after the procedure. It's like a new beginning, you're free and nothing will be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't forgotten this fic! I am so sorry for such a huge gap in updating. I wanted to try out a few other stories and my personal life has been in flux but above all, I wanted to be able to write a good story for you all. Thank you for sticking with me this far!

You awoke with a gasp, started coughing and then moaned at how much it hurt. In reaction to the pain, your hand shot up to hold your neck.

“Up, up, up,” Lance caught your hand and put a water pouch in it instead. You blinked but gratefully took a drink of the water as Lance turned around to get something else. He turned back around with some food goo on a plate. “Hunk dropped this off for you, it’s probably the easiest thing to eat with a sore throat.”

You sipped the water pouch and just watched on in fascination of Lance doting on you. He took it a little too far when he attempted to feed you. “Thank you, Lance, but I think I can feed myself,” you took the spoon from him and put it back on the plate, “Besides, I’m not hungry anyway but I could use some more water.” You already missed the cool sensation on your hurting esophagus.

Before you could lament for another second, Lance handed you another pouch with a smug smile.

“Thanks,” you smiled back. Lance sat in a chair next to your bed and watched you intensely. It wasn’t completely uncomfortable but you felt the need to say something, “Um Lance?”

“Yeah?” He perked up ready to do whatever you asked.

“I’m ok, really, you don’t have to be here,” you reassured him.

“I know I don’t have to be here but I want to be.”

“Okay, but don’t you have important paladin stuff to be doing?” you poked at his right cheek so that he would stop looking at you directly.

He closed his right eye as he answered, “Not right now, no.”

“Are you sure? The universe is a pretty big place, I’m sure somewhere someone might need some help from the brave blue paladin of Voltron.” From your place on the bed, you mocked the brave expression that he commonly wore.

“Well I _can_ think of one person who might need my help,” he poked you back on your shoulder.

“I’m alright, probably the best I’ve been in a long time,” you smiled down at the water pouch in your hand. You had your memories, you were back with the team and were no longer under the influence of anyone else. You are your own person like you were born to be. You peeked at Lance, he was still watching you so you asked, “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Are you really ok?” Lance questioned.

“I think so,” that didn’t seem to reassure him, “do you want me to prove it?”

“Um yeah, kinda?” Lance admitted.

You tapped your chin trying to figure out a way to do just that. How exactly can you prove such a thing? Nothing was coming to mind.

“How about you tell me something only the two of us would know?” Lance offered.

“Ok!” That was actually a good idea and you thought for a second. “Hmm, well I know that you promised to play me a song on a guitar once we find one but your singing skills have yet to be confirmed,” you teased.

Lance smiled widely as he shook his head, “I did promise that but I can’t believe you still doubt my singing talent after all this time.” He laughed, relieved more than anything else.

You started to get up from bed.

“Hey, whoa, where are you going?” Lance asked concerned.

“I have to go see the others, right? Let them know I’m okay?” It seemed like the reasonable thing to do, you didn’t know why Lance was asking.

“Aren’t you tired? Shouldn’t you rest?”

“I mean yeah but the rest of the team,” You started but Lance cut you off.

“They can wait until you’re more rested.”

“I guess, I just wanted to see them.” You relaxed back a bit on your bed, but you admitted Lance was right.

Lance abruptly stood up. You shot him a questioning look and he answered it with a raised finger that signaled for you to wait. He walked over to the door and hit the button on the wall to open it. It swished open and on the other side, the paladins. They walked into the room one by one. Keith, Shiro, Pidge and Hunk entered in that order. They stood around the room looking uneasy.

“Guys it’s ok, I’m ok.”

“Really?” Pidge asked first.

“Yes, really,” you answered.

“Really, really?” Hunk asked as he inched towards you.

“Really, really.” You giggled back.

Hunk practically jumped into the bed with you as he sprang to give you a hug. You both laughed as you tried to catch him. “You got all your memories back? You remember us?”

“Yes, everything,” you responded in his embrace.

After a moment, Pidge was pulling at Hunk’s shirt, “Huunnnk,” they whined, “You’re gonna crush them!”

“Oh, sorry!” Hunk pushed himself up and sat on the edge of the bed. You moved to sit next to him.

Pidge came to sit on the bed too. They took your hand in theirs as they said, “I’m glad you’re back,” they seemed to realize that wasn’t exactly right as they corrected themselves, “I mean your memories! But that’s not to say that I wasn’t happy when we rescued you, your body I mean.”

“I’m glad to be back,” you said, then corrected, “fully back.”

“Coran and Allura wouldn’t tell us the details. how’d you do it?” Keith asked.

Everyone focused in, just as curious as Keith. You didn’t leave them waiting for long before answering, “It doesn’t really matter,” as you were looking around at the paladins you noticed Lance wasn’t meeting your eyes.

“Does it hurt?” Shiro pointed at his own neck.

“Not gonna lie, it’s sore,” your fingers tenderly rubbed the bandages, “but not unbearable,” you reassured.

“Too bad you can’t use the healing pods,” Lance mentioned.

“Why not?” Hunk asked, looking at the Cuban.

“Oh,” Lance didn’t want to let on exactly what he knew, “I asked Allura and she said no, she knows best, right?” He shrugged.

“Yeah, she knows the tech better than any one of us,” Pidge agreed.

“If you’re ok then that’s all that really matters,” Hunk offered.

You looked down at your hands, one still holding Pidge’s. “I just want to say I’m sorry for what I put you all through.”

“Are you serious, y/n?” Pidge released you and looked at you angrily.

“Uh yeah?”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Keith interjected.

“But I put you all through a lot. You must have been worried when I was missing and then I came back and I forgot you…” you listed your messes.

“It’s in the past now,” Shiro waved off your apology like it was nothing.

“Then I have something else I want to say,” you took a breath trying to bring your emotions back into check. You couldn’t help but start tearing up as you continued, “thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for saving me,” your voice was shaky as you wiped your tears and tried to smile, “thank you for tolerating the mess I made of everything when I couldn’t think straight and thank you for remembering me.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room and everyone came together to hug you and sit with you on the bed.

Lance was the one that broke apart the group, “Ok, ok, y/n needs to rest!” He started pushing people up and out the door.

“I’ll be at dinner!” you called from the bed as the group was exiting.

Lance stayed behind.

“You don’t have to stay,” you rolled your eyes with mock annoyance.

Lance laughed, “I think I do.”

“Why’s that?”

“I want to.”

“What if I don’t want you to?” You tried.

“Is that what you want?” Lance asked.

You paused for a moment and let yourself be honest, “No.”

Lance laughed again. His laugh was your favorite sound. It relaxed you like nothing else.

“How did I get back to my room anyway?” you asked trying to remember for yourself.

A flash of worry crossed over Lance’s face before he remembered you fell asleep almost immediately after you were in his arms, “You mean that memory didn’t stick?”

“I guess not?” you looked up at the ceiling.

“I carried you back after you collapsed in my arms,” Lance offered.

“Oh god,” you rubbed your face, “Sorry.”

“You have to stop apologizing,” Lance poked your arm.

“It must have been rough,” you peeked out from your hands.

“Why?” Lance genuinely wondered.

“Cause my metal leg is heavy,” you knocked the metal and it dinged in response.

“Oh yeah, that was pretty heavy, but I’m pretty strong,” Lance joked, he hadn’t had a problem carrying you back. With a quick strongman pose he had you giggling.

“Thanks Lance,” you laid down and with a sigh you added, “you’re too good.”

Lance laid down on his back next to you, “I know.”

You punched him in the arm and he snickered.

“So what now?” Lance asked.

“I’m not sure,” you answered honestly.

“We can figure it out together,” Lance offered.

You took his hand in yours, “that sounds nice. But I come with a lot of baggage,” you reminded.

“That’s ok,” Lance accepted.

“And I have a lot of work I want to do,” You warned, “I want to keep on working for the Alliance and supporting Voltron.”

“That’s more than ok,” Lance welcomed.

“And…” it seemed inconsequential compared to everything else going on in the universe but you wanted everything on the table before going forward, “I have a lot of scars, both mentally and physically.”

You tried to let go of Lance’s hand to move it to touch your facial scar. Lance clamped down and refused to let go.

“I don’t care. I’ll be here, no matter what,” Lance continued, “I crossed the universe to get you back, I’m not letting you go now. Besides, the scars make you look cool,” Lance teased.

“Shut up,” you laughed. Once you settled, your face got serious.

Lance guessed you were remembering some time when you got one of your scars. “And when it gets to be too much, or when it aches, I’ll be here too.” Lance brought your hand up to his face to soothe whatever thoughts were hurting you.

You swallowed hard, pushing the memory down, you whispered, “Thanks.” You brought your connected hands to you and kissed the back of Lance’s hand, “Please be patient with me.”

“Of course,” Lance promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write some fluff after the last chapter being so pain-filled. This chapter was a little shorter but I hoped you enjoyed it nonetheless. Thanks again for all your support throughout me writing this. Your kudos and comments have helped me find courage and inspiration to continue to write. I wouldn't be here without you all. Thank you.


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